⑩鬱病の人を助けたいあなたへ(1)否定せず、言いたいことを言わせる

※あくまで「私のケース」であること「私の個人的な考え」である事を念頭にお読みいただければと思います。

スマホが壊れるほどかけつづけた電話

私は先述したように、最終的には本当にたくさんの方に救いを求めました。
特に、誰かと話さないと落ち着かない状況に陥っていた間は色んな人に相手をしてもらいました。

一番最初は自営業をしている上の兄に電話の相手をしてもらっていましたが、電話をかける回数が徐々にエスカレートし、兄のスマホの電池の減りが早くなり、最終的にはスマホが壊れました。大事な子供の写真が消えた、と怒られました。

そこまでいくと兄も電話にあまり出なくなってしまい、それで、誰かほかに相手にしてくれないかと色んな人に電話するようになったのです。

電話の内容はほぼ「死にたい」「どの方法が一番ラクに死ねると思う？」「殺してくれない？」そんな内容です。これを何度も何度もエンドレスに言うのだから相手はたまったものじゃないですよね。。

そんな酷い言葉を連呼する相手に、みんなそれぞれの対応をしてくれました。
そんな多くのパターンの対応を経験した中で、私が言われて辛かった言葉、逆に救われた言葉やスタンスを伝えたいと思います。

言われて辛かった言葉や態度

これから辛かった対応として紹介する人たちは、今でも、そしてこれからもつきあっていくような大好きな人達です。みんな私のために何度も涙を流してくれた大切な人です。

これを記事にするにあたり、相手に思い切って伝え、話し合い、ここに載せることを理解してもらいました。ありがとう。

①言いたい言葉を禁止される

私が飛びぬけて一番つらかったことがこれでした。
具体的にいうと、私が死にたいとずっと言うのに対して「死にたいと言うな。言ったら電話を切る。（もしくは、言ったら帰る）」と、否定されることでした。

これは本当につらかった。
最初の記事に書いた通り、私は息をするかのように死にたいと言っていました。でも、聞いている相手にとっては、私を大事に思っているからこそ聞きたくない言葉で、つらくて「言うんじゃない」と反論していました。私は電話は切りたくないし、でも出てくる言葉は「死にたい」だけなんです。もともと頭がおかしい状態なのに、それがピークになるほど辛かったです。

その方をフォローすると、相手の気持ちに同調しすぎてしまうタイプなのだと思います。自分と切り離せない。同調しすぎて自分も辛くなりすぎて、、だから、私はその方のしたことを責める気持ちは全くないです。でも、辛かった…

そういう同調しすぎて辛い人にはぜひ、後半の方で書く「鬱病の人と自分のこととは切り離して接していい」くだりを読んでいただきたいです。

②自殺願望を茶化す

これは具体的には「死にたいと言いたくなったら『Sしたい』と言うようにしない？」といった言葉でした。

友人たちがわざわざ家の近所まで来てくれて、公園で話していたときのことです。
やはり私が死にたい、と言い続けているのを見た友人が、周りの関係ない人たちに聞こえたら驚くし、死ぬという言葉は良くないから、違う言葉にしよう、と提案してきたのです。

これは、その場を明るくしようとする配慮だったり、昔からいつも冗談ばかり言っている私の状況を受け止められなかった、などの色々な考えだと思います。でも、気持ちは分かるけれど、私はそのとき「本気で苦しんで死にたいと思っているのに、それがまったく伝わっていない」というように、まるで茶化されたように感じ、憤りを感じてしまいました。

ただ、昔からの大親友なので、憤りの一方ではやっぱり彼女を理解しているところもありましたが。

③話の途中で電話を切る

そりゃあ「死にたい」をとにかく連呼しているのだから当然かもしれないけど、途中でプツっと電話が切られてしまったことがありました。これはシンプルにショックでした。

いずれにしても、私が相手によほどのストレスを与えた結果だろうと思うので、責められないし本当に申し訳なかったと思っています。

言いたいことを言わせてあげる

①～③に共通することは、「言いたいことを言わせてくれないのがつらかった」ということでしょうか。
なので私は、もし精神的に参っている人がいたら、とにかく否定せず、言いたいことを言ってもらおうと思っています。

次の記事に続きます。
次は、救われた言葉やスタンスについてです。

《If you want to help someone suffering from depression（1）Never deny. Let them say what they want to say.》

I kept calling and calling until the person I was talking to broke his phone.

As I have written in the past, I have asked so many people to help me.
In particular, I asked a lot of people to talk to me during a time when I would get anxious if I didn't talk to someone.

At first I called my older brother who was self-employed. As the frequency of my calls to him increased, his cell phone battery drained and eventually broke. I was angry with him, saying that the pictures of his precious children had disappeared.

My brother gradually stopped answering my calls and I started calling different people, looking for someone who would listen to me.

Most of what they say on the phone is "I want to die. How can I die easily?" "Please kill me," and so on. I think the person I was talking to didn't want to listen to me talk like this all the time.

Each person I talked to on the phone reacted differently to me talking about these terrible things all the time.

I have called many people. I would like to write down the words that were painful to be said and the words that helped me.

Words that were painful for me to hear from someone and attitudes that were painful for someone to do to me.

The people I am going to introduce are people I have loved and want to maintain a relationship with. They are all important people who have shed many tears for me.

In writing this article, I have been honest with someone, discussed it with them, and they understood that I would write about it. Thank you.

(1) I am forbidden to say the words I want to say.

The hardest thing for me in particular was that I was forbidden to say what I wanted to say.

For example, sometimes I would call someone and say, "I want to die," and they would say, "Don't say it. If you say it, I will hang up the phone" and they denied it.

This was really hard for me.

As I have mentioned before, I used to say "I want to die" as often as I breathed. People who care about me do not want to hear such words. So they strongly told me, "Don't say that again".

I do not want to hang up the phone. But the only word I could say was "I want to die". My head was in turmoil and that was the peak of my vexation.

When I looked into that person, I found that he was the type of person who empathizes too much with the other person's feelings. I assimilate myself into the other person. So when the other person has a hard time, that person also has a hard time. I don't mean to blame that person, but it was hard for me too.

When I examine the person, I find that he/she is the type of person who is overly sympathetic to the other person's feelings. He easily assimilates with the other person. So when the other person is having a hard time, it makes it hard for him too. I don't mean to blame him, but it was hard for me too.

If you have a hard time assimilating the other person's feelings, I would like you to read "Separating yourself from the depressed person" that I will write later.

(2) Laughing at people's desire to kill themselves.

What I was specifically told is that if you feel like saying "I want to die," why don't you change the words and say "Let's s..."? This is a suggestion.

One of my friends came all the way to my house and we were talking in the park. When I repeatedly said, "I want to die," my friend suggested that I use a different word because it would not be good if people around me heard it.

This may have been a consideration to avoid damaging the atmosphere around me. I used to joke around a lot. Maybe my friend could not accept my current situation like that.

I understand how he/she felt, but I was seriously in pain and wanted to die at that time. I felt indignant because he did not understand my feelings and I felt as if he was laughing at me.

I could understand their feelings, though, because we were old friends, even though I felt resentful.

(3)Hanging up the phone in the middle of a conversation.

If you hear someone repeatedly say, "I want to die," you might hang up on them. But this was simply shocking to me.

I think it was a result of the strong stress I put on the person I was talking to. It was not their fault and I now feel that I am truly sorry.

If someone is suffering, let them say what they want to say.

I think the common thing from (1) to (3) is that it was hard for me not to be allowed to say what I wanted to say.

If there are people around you who are suffering mentally, I hope you will listen to what he or she has to say without denying it.

In the next article, I will write about words that helped me.

（Translator : Masanori Ando）