My asexual relationship; Share cake instead of having sex
*This is the English version of the essay below. If you would like to read it in Japanese, visit the following article.
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“An asexual relationship? Then, you can just call him friend lol.”
The words kept repeating in my head.
“Ah, again. “
As an asexual person, I often get these comments, and they make me realize again I’m different from the majority of people. So, in this article, I’m going to talk about my views on love and my relationship with an aromatic asexual partner.
About me
I identify myself as abroromantic asexual. I've never been sexually attracted to anyone at any time, but I can have romantic feelings for someone and have changes in my romantic orientation over time. For example, I might be romantically attracted to men at one point, then not romantically attracted to men and find women attractive weeks later. To sum up, I romantically like the person I fall into. That's it.
I can’t have a sexual relationship because I love them
People often say the difference between friendships and romantic love is whether you are sexually attracted to the person. Some people wonder if their partners might not love them because they refuse to have a sexual relationship. But I can't get it at all, for I'm lack of sexual feelings toward others.
You have to make love with your partner, for it shows your affection to your love.
The majority of people might not feel overwhelmed thinking about having a sexual relationship. Some people state that that distinguish friends from Significant Others. However, that doesn't make sense to me at all. I don't want to have a sexual relationship with the person I crush on. For me, making love isn't a way of expressing love.
―How come they make their partners help release their sexual desire even though they aren't outlets and they love them as to be in a relationship?―
I don't look down on people who have sexual relationships, nor do I say making love is something dirty and immoral―unless you do not have consent; however, imagining that I engage in sexual activity, I feel overwhelmed and reckon sex is superfluous in my life, for to me, like appetite, sexual desire is something you can deal with on your own. So, I can't have a sexual relationship with my partner because I love them.
Share cake instead of having sex
On AVEN, a platform for asexual people and all allies, cake often bring up as a symbol of asexuality and they even have a catchword like "Cake is better than sex" or "Sharing and eating cake" (Decker, 83), since asexual people find cake is better than sex. It started as a kind of joke on AVEN and now cake became an icon of aces like the Aces playing cards and black rings.
"Sharing and eating cake"
For me, this perfectly expresses what relationships and partners are like to me. I'd like to have an intimate relationship such as eating cake together rather than having sex. I still feel satisfied and complete without making love as long as they are happy and smiling, and nothing could replace that happiness.
What are partners like?
"I see your point, but isn't it the same as friends?"
"You have to do this if you are in a relationship."
"Do you guys need to be in a relationship even though you are just like friends?"
The "concerned" comments start to roll when I talk about my relationship with my partner. Maybe, they have points. We don’t have sex, and in addition to that, my partner doesn’t have romantic feelings toward me. We are far from what people imagine a loving couple to be. However, take some time to think about it―Is there the "right" answer for a relationship like tests at school?
The answer is probably "No". There is no standard or right or wrong for our relationships; we can be partners even if we are not in a sexual relationship or not romantically attracted to the person as long as we respect our partners and both people in a relationship feel happy and safe. We shouldn't be trapped in a box.
Conclusion
Some people engage in sexual activity because they dearly love them. Others, including me, contend they can't have a sex in a relationship because they adore them —technically saying, it never even occur to me to make love as a way of showing my affection. It seems that each side's opinion contradicts the other, but it should never ever happen people judge the other side's opinion, for there is no "correct" answer for our relationships.
An Epilogue
I made candies for my partner for Valentine’s Day. We hadn't met for one year and due to the current situation with coronavirus, we couldn't share and eat them together, it's all right if they like them and feel at ease in the current tense atmosphere.
Running to a post office, I handed over a box of candies.
"I hope we can eat and share them next year."
Wishing so, I kicked the kickstand up and started to ride home. The wind was still cold, but that didn’t bother me at all.
Works cited
Decker, Julie Sonder. The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality. New York, Carrel Books, 2014.
The biggest online community for people on the ace spectrum: AVEN
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