“渦中“から一歩出て思うこと

この記事は私の呼吸法&ヨーガの師である高橋玄朴先生が講師を務められる筑波大学『みんなのヨーガ』という活動のメールマガジンに掲載していただいたものです。

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先日ひさしぶりに舞台を観に行きました。

『チョコレートドーナツ』という2020年日本で公演されたものの再公演で、ダウン症をもつ男の子の役を実際にダウン症をもつ子が演じるということでも話題となっている舞台です。障がいをもつ子の母として、障がいをもつ子が、約１ケ月という長い期間商業演劇の舞台に立つということだけでも舞台裏のご苦労を感じ、また関心もわきます。2020年の公演はコロナ禍真っただ中、公演直前に関係者がコロナ感染し一部中止となりました。私もやはり行きたいという思い以上に劇場に行くということ自体に不安がありました。

それから約3年…

渋谷にあるパルコ劇場は、平日にも関わらず満席状態、マスクをされている方が目立つものの、もちろんしていない方も。休憩時間にはホワイエのカフェでカクテルやコーヒーを楽しむ人の姿や長いトイレ待ちの列、コロナ禍前の劇場と変わりないような雰囲気でした。

舞台は、本当に感動の連続。内容もさることながら役者の方々のおかれる背景やマルコ(ダウン症児役)の純粋で無垢な姿に涙があふれました。

カーテンコールは4回、スタンディングオベーションでキャストに拍手を送る客席の温かい想いもその中の一人として体感できました。

たまたま、公演の2週間ほど前に障がいをもつ子を育てるママたちとランチをする機会があり観劇の予定を話すと、ひとりのママは『観たいけど、劇場に行くのはムリ』とポツリ。

精神的な不安からの言葉のようで、その気持ち私もわかる気がしました。以前私はパニック発作を起こしたことがあり、自分の心身が疲れている時は特に、想いが高まりすぎることや閉ざされた空間に対して『過呼吸になるのでは』という恐怖感があります。今年5月に友人が出演する舞台を観に行った時も、ひさしぶりの劇場、そしてまだコロナ禍の不安も残る状況ということもあり、会場に入った瞬間2時間耐えられるだろうかという不安に襲われ、しばらく落ち着きませんでした。その頃は、まだコロナや私生活の不安や心配の“渦中”にいたのだと思います。

しかし、今回はただ純粋に舞台に想いを馳せ、観劇に集中することができました。

観劇後、友人の『劇場はムリ』という言葉がよみがえり、自分もそうだった時のことを重ねて思い出し、この半年間でずいぶん心身の元気を取り戻したのだということに気づきました。そこには“みんなのヨーガ”での学びや、生活を整えることなど日常に取り入れていた小さな実践の積み重ねがあったように思います。

それと同時に、いつまた“渦の中”に身を投じることになるかわからないという不安もぬぐえません。今までもそうだったように、何が起こるかどんな“ゆらぎ”に遭うのかわからないのが人生。だからこそ、“今”自分が『気分よく』過ごすために何ができるのか、日常の中に小さな平安を見つけていきたいと思うのです。

What to think after stepping out of the "in the middle"

The other day I went to see a play for the first time.

It is a re-performance of "Chocolate Donut", which was performed in year 2020 Japan, and it is a stage that has become a hot topic because the role of a boy with Down syndrome is actually played by a child with Down syndrome. As a mother of a child with a disability, I feel the hardships and interest behind the scenes just to have a child with a disability perform on the stage of a commercial theater for a long period of about one month.

The 2020 performance was partially canceled in the midst of the COVID-19 disaster, and a person involved was infected with COVID-19 just before the performance. I was more worried about going to the theater than I wanted to go.

About three years has passed since then...

The Parco Theater in Shibuya is full even though it is a weekday, and although there are many people wearing masks, of course there are those who do not. During the intermission, there were people enjoying cocktails and coffee at the foyer café, long lines waiting for the toilet, and the atmosphere was no different from the theater before the COVID-19 disaster.

The stage is truly impressive. In addition to the contents, I was moved to tears by the background of the actors and the pure and innocent appearance of Marco (who plays the child with Down syndrome).

As one of them, I was able to experience the warm feelings of the audience who applauded the cast members with standing ovations during the curtain call four times.

By chance, about two weeks before the theatergoing, I had the opportunity to have lunch with mothers raising children with disabilities, and when I told them about my plans to see the play, one of the mothers said, "I want to see it, but I don't want to go to the theater."

It seemed to be a phrase from mental anxiety, and I felt that I understood the feeling. I have had panic attacks before, and especially when I am physically and mentally tired, I have a fear that I will hyperventilate because my thoughts are too high or that I will hyperventilate in a closed space. When I went to see a play performed by a friend in May this year, I was worried about whether I would be able to withstand the two hours the moment I entered the venue, and I couldn't calm down for a while, partly because it was the first time in the theater and the anxiety of the COVID-19 disaster still remained. At that time, I think I was still in the "midst of anxiety" and worries about COVID-19 and my personal life.

However, this time, I was able to just think purely about the stage and concentrate on watching the theater.

After watching the play, my friend's words came back to me, and I remembered the time when I was like that, and realized that I had recovered my mental and physical vitality a lot in the past six months. I think there was the accumulation of small practices that I had incorporated into my daily life, such as learning at "Yoga for All" and arranging my life.

At the same time, I can't get rid of the anxiety of not knowing when I will be thrown into the "in the middle" again. As in the past, life is about not knowing what will happen or what kind of "fluctuations" I will encounter. That's why I want to find a little peace in my daily life about what I can do to feel good now.(Yuka　Orii)