My journey to return to my true self
I had a strange dream last night.
In my dream, a beautiful friend of mine was keep on asking me:
" Which one you choose? Which way do you want to go?
It is your choice. Just make up your mind!!"
Normally, I dream in Japanese as it is my mother tongue. But it was in English last night, and I continued asking myself her question (in English) when I woke up.
I used to dream in English when I was living abroad for 12 years, but it has been quickly switched to Japanese since I came back to Japan about 2 years ago.
It is a kind of refreshing feeling when I realized that I am still thinking and dreaming in English. It makes me feel more "free" and " be honest to myself".
Have you ever wondered who you truly are?
Me? I'v been ignored "who I am" for quite some time, just being busy taking care of my 3 sons, moving and settling in new places.
Now, my boys are slowly becoming independent, and I am feeling that something inside me / around me is changing quietly yet drastically.
I would like to write down my journey to be back to my "true self" before I just let it go. I wrote this in Japanese already, but I also want to write it in English to organize my mind.
Japanese language is an indirect language.
English is very direct language and it helps me to think more straightforward, in a simple way. I just don't know how to sugarcoat it, I should say.
My eldest son is suffering so much to adjust Japanese life/culture.
Just now, he came to complain me about his "fxxking bullsxxt" life in Japan.
It's not so difficult for me to live as a Japanese and understand Japanese common sense, but it's not applicable for him.
We have moved to Singapore when my eldest son was only seven month old, due to international relocation of my husband. We sent him to an international primary school for the first 4 years, and transferred him to a local primary school to let him immerse local life and culture.
As a result, he enjoyed his school life and become a "Singaporean" in many ways. He loves Singaporean YouTubers, he can speak Singlish with his friends, he criticize Japanese education as it doesn't teach the dark side of WWⅡ, etc... I found that his identity is 80% Singaporean already and it's really hard for him to live in Tokyo as a Japanese, using second language (Japanese) at middle school.
I am also suffering to seek my true identity.
I was just a dutiful housewife and a dedicated mother for about 15 years since I became a mother.
I gave up many things without any doubt to be a "good wife" and a "good mother".
Now, I feel that this is not my true self.
I was free to decide what to do, where to go, how to spend my weekends and my money... when I was single.
Subconsciously, I believed that it's a natural thing for women to dedicate our lives to our family when we got married, especially when we became a mother. Even more, I had believed that it's "selfish" and "useless" to try to handle our lives as we want once we gave birth.
Maybe it's because I saw my mother and other women, not living their lives as they want. They were often complaining their lives and their partners, but they had never tried to change the way they were.
I realized that this is not the life I want.
I want to handle my life like I used to.
I want to live the life I love!!
OK, now, I am facing a wall.