思い込みの落とし穴

この文章は、呼吸法・ヨーガの師である高橋玄朴先生が筑波大学で取り組まれている『みんなのヨーガ』という活動のメールマガジンニュース10月号に掲載していただいたものです。

∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞∞

　平日は特別支援学校と週3日間の放課後デイサービスに通っている10歳脳性麻痺の息子、週末は自宅にこもりyou-tubeを観る時間が多くなりがちです。

暑すぎる夏の間は、熱がこもりやすい息子を外に連れ出すのも気がひけましたが、近ごろやっと秋風が気持ちよい陽気となり、この風を体感してほしく、息子を車椅子に乗せ、近所の公園へ。息子も気持ちの良さそうな顔をしていました。

帰り道、秋風というよりも台風のような強風に変り、足早に自宅に向かっていたのですが、少しの段差が乗り越えられず、車椅子が前に傾きました。初めてのことに私はびっくり！

必死にひっぱりましたが、息子の体重分も含めた車椅子は重すぎて、そのまま前に倒れてしまったのです。その後の数秒は気が動転しすぎて覚えていないくらい。ただ、息子を助けなくてはと横にまわり車椅子を起こそうとしていたと思います。周りにいた方数人が『大丈夫ですか？』と声をかけ、起こすのを手伝ってくださいましたが、『ありがとうございます！』と言いつつ、その方々の顔をまともに見ることすらできませんでした。

息子も何が起こったのかとびっくりした様子で、車椅子を起こすと『わぁ～！！』と大きな声で泣き始めました。

私は身が震える状態のまま、手伝ってくださった方々にお礼を言い、自宅に向かいました。自宅にいた夫に息子を車椅子から下ろしてもらい、布団に寝かせてケガをしていないか全身を確かめましたが、幸い車椅子に守られ無事だったようです。少しホッとしたところで、自分が膝にケガをし、血が出ていることに気がつきました。

息子には改めて『どうもすみませんでした！』と頭を下げて謝ると、私の様が面白かったのか泣き笑いで応えてくれ、パパと一緒にyou-tubeを観ながらいつもの様子に戻ってくれました。

私は、しばらく放心状態が続き、頭の中で転ぶ状況を何度も繰り返し思い出し、息子が本当にどこか打っていないか、ケガをしていないかをシミュレーションしました。数日間は息子の体調に変化がないか様子をみた方がいいとは思いましたが、恐らく、大丈夫だろうとやっと思えてきました。

とは言え、自分の不注意で息子を危険な目に遭わせてしまったことが申し訳なく、自分を責める想いと重なってその晩は食欲もなく、寝る前に軽くヨーガをし、心落ち着かせてから床に入りました。一方息子は、夕食もしっかり食べ、翌日も元気いっぱい学校に行ってくれ、大事に至らず本当にありがたかったです。

これほどまで、呼吸が乱れた出来事はもう何年経験していなかったでしょう。なぜそうなったかもわからない膝の傷からも自分自身の動転ぶりがわかりました。

　この話を車椅子に乗るお子さんのママ2人にすると、やりそれぞれ同じような経験をしていました。気持ちを共有できたことで心が救われましたが、それと同時にこの『ちょっとの段差』の恐さを痛感しました。

いつも通っている道
いつも乗り越えている段差・・・

だから大丈夫！という思い込みが、

強風が吹き“少し”あわてていた、
散歩帰りで“少し”疲れていた…

といった“ほんの少しの誤差”で今回のような事故につながったこと。これこそ日常にある“思い込みの落とし穴”であり、頭の片隅にいつも置いておかなくてはいけない心得だと身をもって知る出来事でした。そして、この“誤差”を感じる時こそ、呼吸を整えることを意識すべきなのだと教えてもらったように思います。

"The Pitfalls of Assumption"

My 10-year-old son with cerebral palsy, who attends a special needs school and an after-school day service three days a week on weekdays, tends to spend a lot of time at home watching You-Tube on weekends.

During the summer, when it was too hot, I was reluctant to take my son outside, who tends to get hot, but recently the autumn breeze has finally become pleasant and cheerful, and I want him to experience this wind, so I put him in a wheelchair and went to a nearby park. My son also looked comfortable.

On the way home, the wind turned into a strong wind that was more like a typhoon than an autumn wind, and I was heading home quickly.

I couldn't get over the slightest bump and son’s wheelchair leaned forward. For the first time, I was surprised! I tried desperately to pull it, but the wheelchair, including my son's weight, was too heavy, and I fell forward. I was so upset for the next few seconds that I don't even remember. However, I think I was trying to get my son to the side and get him up in a wheelchair because I had to help him. A few people around me called out to me, 'Are you okay?' and helped the wheelchair wake up, but I said, 'Thank you!' But I couldn't even look at their faces.

My son was also surprised by what had happened, and when he got up his wheelchair, he started crying loudly, "Wow~!!"

With a shudder, I thanked the people who had helped me and headed home. I asked my husband, who was at home, to take my son out of the wheelchair and lay him on the futon to check his whole body to see if he was injured, but fortunately he was protected by the wheelchair and seemed to be safe. I was a little relieved when I realized that I had injured my knee and it was bleeding.

When I bowed my head and apologized to my son, he replied with a crying laugh because I thought it was funny, and returned to his usual state while watching You-Tube with his dad.

I was in a daze for a while, recalling the situation over and over again of falling in my head, simulating whether my son really hit somewhere or if he was injured. I thought it would be better to wait and see if there was any change in my son's physical condition for a few days, but I finally thought that he would probably be fine. However, I was sorry that I had put my son in danger due to my carelessness, and I had no appetite that night, so I did some short yoga before going to bed to calm my mind before going to bed. On the other hand, my son ate a good dinner and went to school the next day full of energy, and I was really grateful that he did not have a serious matter.

I don't think I've experienced an event in years that has caused me to breathe so badly. I didn't know why it happened, but I could see how upset I was from the wound on my knee.

When I told this story to two moms of children in wheelchairs, they all had similar experiences. Being able to share my feelings saved my heart, but at the same time, I was keenly aware of the horror of this "slight bump".

The road I always take, the steps I always overcome, so I thought it would be okay, but the strong wind blew and I was "a little" in a hurry, I was "a little" tired on the way home from a walk... The fact that such a "slight error" led to an accident like this one. It was an event that made me realize that this is the "pitfall of assumptions" in everyday life, and that it is a knowledge that must always be kept in the back of my mind. And I think I was taught that when I feel this "error", I should be conscious of adjusting your breathing.