非プラトン的想起 anti-platonic Anamnesis (philosophy notes)

If the faint memories of my birth,
When I stared at the creamy black muddy mire.
And watch a giant seed that does not sprout--instead
collapse, into infinite dark--- a castle made of white white sand.
did thus neigh and heave civil like an educated horse.
And looking upwards, eyes upon me.
Who is the thing that is growing in this…not womb, soup?
Who am I that is staring down at the infernal purgatory? into the abyss?
Upon the void sky---inside the void sky? behind the void sky? void sky itself?
Or am I above myself a focal point of the lens of the embryonal 
The seedlings? Ocean bubbles? Sea-water paddle in the sand-dent?
Am I being seen and thought I am seeing, from above? I am in fact below?
Or am I nowhere…or am I the comprehension of the rainbow-foam below
The one seeing in the void with its fogs and clouds upon the highest crest
Am I too the aether; and the ocean water. Am I too the flow of nutrients through the body lying below that has raised it, cured it, killed it, and eaten it?
Am I nothing but Seeing itself? Am I an afterthought---dead corpse left by Unseeing?
I dont have limbs, I dont have organs. that Persian floating man experiment*1
Grey, all too grey; yet pulsating with faint whiteness, leaping, hopping jumping up, beating heart that is the entire perspective itself--all things that is seen, to be seen, not yet seen, never seen are inside it….this is profound..comprehension (of Pan).
Am I become Pan? Am I Pan? Is Pan my destiny? Or is he too a focal point.
Whose focal point? What labyrinth?
Did I see Pan?*2
Did-I-see -> Pan?
Did-I-See <- Pan?
Did-I-see=Pan?
Did-I-see != Pan?
Did I see! Pan?
Did I see Pan?

Monadology seems to work well here.. but it feels too artificial and complex..guts tell me that it is simpler and more fluid than supposing infinite numbers of self-contained realities. It should be a very small reality that is floating around.
This must not be something consigned to God and a complex kingdom of angelic language. it must be able to be understood by everyone, especially me.
This I must learn, and know, through science, philosophy or art;
Yet perhaps not in this turn of the wheel; I wait for the wheel to turn.

*1
Floating man - Wikipedia
*2 the great God Pan by arthur Machen.
胎内記憶?受胎前の記憶?未来からの死った後の記憶？別人の記憶？世界の記憶？力の記憶？力に動作された物の記憶？力に動作された物への記憶？

力に動作された物からの記憶？記憶から見る力？記憶から見る動作された物？記憶が記憶を見る記憶？記憶が失明する事によって見える記憶？失明そのものが記憶を見る時の記憶？失明そのものが記憶を見えない時の記憶？
失明が失明を見つめる事により生まれた記憶？記憶は誰のものだ？
なんだかー見ている者はだれだ？
見えない事を見ているのはだれだ？
見えない事を見えてないから、見えるのは誰だ？