2023/11/12 English

BGM: Steely Dan: Deacon Blues

This morning, I enjoyed the morning ZOOM meeting with other three members as usual. We talked about how we spend this autumnal season. For example, we talked about where we go to enjoy the red leaves (I sometimes go to the mountain near my group home to watch and enjoy them). It was a good meeting.

TBH... if I get free and find nothing to do, I start thinking that someone has been whispering to me as "You'd better off dead". But today, when I started reading Sou Kurokawa (黒川創) "Shunsuke Tsurumi's life (鶴見俊輔伝)", that voice faded away. The person in me sometimes (or often) talks to me as "Don't be anymore". But I try to keep on staying alive and doing my routine work. I shouldn't be controlled by my trauma.

Today I went to the library, and borrowed Masayasu Hosaka (保阪正康) "The Corridor of N (Nの廻廊)". It seems the memoir of the author and N (maybe he is Susumu Nishibe (西部邁)). This book attracts me well, so I also borrowed Nishibe's two books of collection of essays. I started reading Nishibe's book, and found that Nisibe's sensitive and keen eyes which let him reflect on his life and also his personality are like Souseki Natsume's ones. In other words, I thought Nisibe is like a character of Souseki's works. A really diligent, stoic attitude.

I want you (dear readers!) to ask this. Maybe you feel I am making a lie, but I have been trying to hide how I am horny in this journal because it could hurt you mentally. Do you feel I should act more honestly like some authors' "private" works? But, I also worry how this journal would cause mental pollution.

This evening, I attended another ZOOM meeting by the invitation a Russian friend had sent to me. We talked about AI. If the technology allowed us to meet the dead people we have loved, it could mean it will ease us? This is a great question, and even though difficult for me to answer in Japanese. But I believe that it would be a pleasure, even though it could be instant.