We are the best right now

Author：Mimi

It is the most comfortable place here. 

One night, my daughter was dimly watching TV in the living room and said: 

"It is the most comfortable place here.”

The moment I heard this came from my daughter who had repeatedly run away from home, for two years between her sixth grade and eighth grade, I felt nostalgic and relieved. I felt that I was able to find a comfortable feeling for the first time in a long while.

Until a few years ago, we used to spend every day peacefully like this with each other, I thought to myself

What I decided when I got divorced

I became a single mother when my daughter was in the second grade of elementary school. After a long discussion with my ex-partner, we got divorced. For me, the words and deeds of his family at the time of divorce were extremely hard and painful.

I couldn't tell my little daughter what had happened, but half a year after the divorce, I confessed to my daughter. When I saw her sobbing and shedding big drops of tears, I told myself;

“I'm really sorry, what a cruel thing I did.I won’t make this child sad anymore, I want us both to live happily with a smile.”

I tried to keep the environment where we lived; going to the same school and living in the same town was all to make her feel comfortable. As my daughter grew up, I reviewed my work-life balance each time. The lives of the two of us were very enjoyable. I was happy to see my daughter's smile.

Long tunnel

It was right before my daughter's graduation from her elementary school when major changes in her behavior began to stand out.  Making up lies, breaking promises and rules, skipping her lessons. I received reports from the school about her repulsive attitude towards the teachers. Once in a while she impulsively jumped out of the home, never coming back, running away from home.

The place my daughter ran away to was my ex-partner's parents' home. In other words, my daughter's grandparents' home, where I had never been involved after divorce. On a weekend in early spring, my daughter disappeared again. She was in a bad mood while shopping and went straight to her grandparents' home. My ex-partner, his family, and I all persuaded my daughter, but she was neither home on the last days of elementary school, on the day of her graduation, nor during spring break. 

All my mixed emotions of regret, anger, and emptiness remained there.

Despite my daughter's uncertainty, I remember that I somehow managed to get through my everyday work and life while I was preparing for her admission to junior high school. I couldn’t even remember the last time when I saw my daughter carrying her school bag on her back. I couldn't believe such a reality. 

After entering junior high school, my daughter was constantly absent from school and lost her physical and mental balance. Her life rhythm was disturbed with day and night turned around. She had begun to rebel towards me even worse with a tone of violence. 

I said to myself

She is the one who is in pain, so I have to watch over her, instead of blaming or rushing her.

Although I tried that all the time, it was stressful every day, and I was getting more and more into clashes with my daughter. Her impulsive behavior occurred suddenly and frequently, and when I got home, she was gone much more often. It had now gotten to the point where I had to make requests for the police search a few times.

Increasing complaints were coming from her grandparents. I was charged a large amount of living expenses because of my daughter's stay at their home periodically. Child support money was also reduced by my ex-partner for the same reason.

The negative spiral had just accelerated. My daughter would suddenly jump out and came back a few days later ...

Over time, I could no longer welcome her or treat her kindly.

I was blamed whenever something happened, and my negative emotions just grew toward her. 

What the hell is going on? There are so many things that I don't understand; school, life rhythm, and work, all are important, of course, but I don't think I can get out of the situation by myself.

Until then, I didn't announce that I was a single mother to anyone unless I needed to. Only close friends, business associates, and family members knew. My young daughter was concerned that she was different from other families, and it didn't change her point of view whether I announced it or not.
I may have unknowingly wanted to hide it at that time.

But the situation at home and our daily lives had all changed. I had to change, too.

Even though I'm in a long dark tunnel without any light ahead, I still have to move forward even if I can't see the future at all.

The most important things that I finally realized

・ Connecting with people

First, I asked my distant parents whom I didn't want to bother for help. They’d come to help us many times. I tried to share my painful feelings and worries with my friends, more than before.

I began to get involved in the administrative services of my daughter's developmental support that I had been concerned about for a long time.
I continued to be actively involved with school teachers and medical staff.
Connecting with a lot of people as I moved and talked to people for help, we always got what we needed.

We received warm and hopeful words and advice, information and activities that we did not know, about how society worked, etc. Everything we learned supported our growth, our hearts, and our relationships. Although it took time and so much energy, using services and support we needed, my daughter gradually could start to get up in the morning and go to school more consistently. Also, her impulsive behaviors such as jumping out of home gradually disappeared.

・ Connecting with people online

I also participated in a single mother's self-care course that I learned about through a non-profit organization. I was fascinated by this course because my current changes and experiences had opened my mind to these concepts of self-affirmation and self-care, to things I had not even considered before. And I wanted to connect with other single mothers.

Single mothers of all ages and backgrounds work online to learn to take care of their bodies and minds. During the course, we have a separate organized time when we can talk to the other participants. The body and the mind relax, and it is like newfound energy is applied to the whole body. Single mothers are powerful, and I feel that everything is alright. I have found this course incomparable and wonderful where we can experience the source and power of lives for single mothers.

Being a single mother I am worthy

Of course, not everything has been solved and something heartbreaking still might happen in the future.

But I now sincerely believe that what we have experienced so far is a treasure.

What happened with my daughter taught me what I should be aware of as a single mother. It was the message that I had better change there.

Now, I can feel confident, fun, proud, and satisfied as a single mother. I feel like I am fulfilled. In the 7th year with my daughter, I started to think that it all was worth it.

I love myself being a single mother.

I love my daughter who continued to appeal to me while struggling in the face of big walls and anguish.

We are the best and the strongest ever.

This essay was written by Mimi for Mother's Day campaign by Single Mothers Sisterhood. Single Mothers' Sisterhood is a non-profit organization based in Japan to support single mothers' self-care of their mental and physical wellness through online self-care classes where single mothers can feel a warm and supportive connection with each other.

This campaign celebrates the irreplaceable charm of single mothers and calls for "self affirmation" and "importance of self-care. We want to shed light on positive aspects of our lives!! We welcome donations to support the empowerment of single mothers. See also the Mother's Day campaign 2021 support page.