Short story: "We who create creation"

Heartbeat is fast. Breathing is irregular. I am aware of it. The wall is equipped with material to absorb sound, yet the sound of my heartbeat is loud. Why? Can others hear it? Is it annoying? Even though it's not, I feel anxious. I check my phone with sweaty hands. It's on silent. Phew, that was close.
I calm down and take deep breaths. I put strength in my legs and look at my knees, slowly exhaling. "Okay, let's do this! 3...2..." The director's finger points and a red light turns on.
I look up and see myself in the square window glass, the person "I wanted to be," but it's not me sitting there. When I was young, I loved the heroines that appeared in anime. On Sunday mornings, there was a sparkling girl with fluffy hair. As I got older, I learned about voice actors and became intensely fascinated. I wanted to be like them.
I pursued my dream, auditioned while in high school, and passed. I think I had some kind of talent. I thought so at the time and went to a training school right after graduation. It was embarrassing to be treated like a special student, but it felt comfortable. I worked hard, did anything that was required of me, not just voice acting. I even went to the beach, to the pool, wearing a swimsuit without any experience.
I met Mizunami back then. She trained her voice more than anyone else and of course, I worked hard too, but we mostly got jobs for radio, events, and gravure. The closer we got to the "self I wanted to be," the closer we got to things we didn't want to do. Every day, we smiled and said, "Thank you for your hard work!" and didn't question anything. One day, I happened to stop by a bookstore on the way home and looked through a magazine with small clippings of myself smiling.
Wait, who is this?
Then suddenly, I couldn't stop crying, my legs lost their strength, and food didn't taste good anymore. I couldn't take being consumed anymore. I couldn't do it. I said it was unreasonable and quit.
When I last met Mizunami, what did she say? When I went to greet her at the office, we should have crossed paths but I can't remember.
I had a regular narration job. A program that introduced the charm of various cities. I liked the production because it was small but carefully made. I explained my situation and handed over the program to my junior. It was the usual director. The tall and sleepy-looking Sakaguchi-san, who looked like a champion big eater, apparently had a weak stomach and always drank warm tea from a plastic bottle. At that time, we chatted while drinking tea in the waiting booth, and he invited me to join his newly established company by saying, "I'm starting my own company. Want to come?"
"I really can't do anything, though..." "It's okay, it's okay. I'd be willing to borrow a cat's paw."
It was a coincidence. I rolled thankfully into a company that did PR and planning, and it really was like borrowing a cat's paw. I wanted a cat about as much as I wanted to fight a war. But it still wasn't enough. I thought I was used to irregular schedules, sudden changes, and busyness, but every day was a struggle where the more I did, the less time I had. However, busyness made me forget everything. From zero experience, I desperately clung to any task. My suit, which I had bought at the time, turned into a dress, a blouse, a T-shirt. My nails became short, and my hair was put up. My contacts changed to glasses, and heels became sneakers. I think I was mostly running at that time. I have no memory of walking.
For a while after launching, the company wanted to build a track record, so they took on any requests they received. Mr. Sakaguchi had a good personality, and there were many requests that said, "If it's with Sakaguchi-san..." At first, there were people who noticed me by name or voice and it made me nervous, but the consumption in the world is fast. I was forgotten quickly, and I became too busy to care. I used everything I had as my strength, whether it was my experience of being close to entertainment customers, smiling no matter what, or persisting with apologies when I didn't understand something. I learned almost every job from the entrance to delivery because I did everything, including odd jobs. If there was no budget, I would provide narration by myself.
"Honestly, I'm saved. Thank you. But let's make this the last narration," I said.
One day, when I finished recording narration at a familiar studio, Mr. Sakaguchi looked at me and suddenly said while drinking tea, "Did it not work out?""No, it's not that. Hmm, I can't put it into words, but it's not Northa-san's job," he replied.
It's not my job. That's true, but when someone says it to my face, it stings. How selfish of me to want to quit when I made the decision myself. But if I'm recognized here, it means I'm still attached to it. Expression can be like a curse.
"If there is no budget, that becomes your job. It's already common sense. The current method will eventually become impossible, and I think you won't be able to reconcile with it, Northa-san."It might be possible. I think I was hesitant. Voice is a muscle. The more you quit, the longer it takes to go back. I knew that. From that day on, I secretly stopped all my training.
A few days later, Mr. Sakaguchi gathered everyone and, holding a large mug as usual, announced that the company was going to shrink. The tea may have already gone cold.
"I want to do work that everyone can be satisfied with. I created the company because I wanted to create something, but it's not working in its current form. Making money and creating something are really different, aren't they?"Everyone knew their work style was at its limit, so there was no opposition. But some people confirmed their resignation on the spot.
"I want to focus on what we're creating now. We'll try various things, but if it doesn't work out, I'm sorry."If it doesn't work out, I'm sorry. It didn't sound mysterious or irresponsible when Mr. Sakaguchi said it. It was a more powerful phrase that made me stand up straight.
After everyone finished their current work together, the company moved its base a little outside Tokyo. From then on, the company was really on the verge of collapse, even for me, a regular employee. We barely scraped by each month. Actually, some people left. However, the number of jobs that we could agree on, or those that were rooted in the local community, gradually increased.
"We got it!"It was a large project that even major advertising agencies were targeting. It was definitely the biggest job so far, and it was a miracle to get the order. I think our activities related to that area were highly evaluated. We worked on it with all our might (properly sleeping and eating) with everyone in the company. We clashed a lot in order to iron out the details until the plan was approved. Especially with Mr. Miyata, who came in halfway after the move, since it was a direct area of discussion, we fought a lot. Although Mr. Miyata had the appearance of a good-natured old man, he was a strange person who changed jobs from a major company because "his house was close." He was incredibly capable and always smiling, but he was stubborn at his core. That's why it was such a great clash of opinions.
"Who would be good for the narration in the promo video?" "Hmm... Oh, how about Mizumi? What do you think of Mizuhara Mizu?" "Oh, yeah. Her transparent voice would be perfect. Even though she didn't stand out as an idol, I've really liked her for the past few years." "You're a big fan of her, aren't you, Miyasan?" "Yes. My daughter got hooked on her first, and then my wife and I became big fans too."
Mizunami.
I tried not to react to the name I hadn't heard in a while, but I did for a moment. That moment was obviously noticed, and Sakaguchi sneaked a look over at me. I exhaled slowly and shook my head slightly.
It's not my job to cast the project.
That's Miyata's area, and his sense is right. Objectively speaking, I think Mizunami is perfect for this plan right now. No doubt about it.
"The scale of the project seems good, and it seems to fit the context of the plan. The only thing left is the schedule." "Should we give it a shot even if it's a long shot?"
The schedule, huh. It might be a bit rough, alright. The scale of the project makes it less flexible. Despite those concerns, we got an immediate and positive response after making the offer. It was decided that Mizunami would be perfect. Sakaguchi hasn't said anything since.
"Please take care of us."
Mizunami, whom I met for the first time in a while (although I was just at the corner for the greetings), was as dignified as ever, but her standing posture was somewhat adult-like. I think she glanced over here, but it was probably my imagination. She probably doesn't remember me or doesn't want to remember me.
After the greetings were over, she entered the booth. Various checks were carried out. Checking, testing. She's over there, and I'm here. As a client, I check the completed narration and show my face in its original form. The check is mainly done by Miyata, and Sakaguchi came as the president for the face-in-show, while I was just an extra. I was sitting in the corner, just watching. But.
Thump... thump... thump...
My heart was beating fast. It was so loud that I thought it was going to jump out. Is it adoration, jealousy, or sadness? I don't really know. Maybe it would have been better if she hadn't come. The image of "who I wanted to be" on the other side pierces the soft part of my memory.
But it's okay. That's not my job right now.
My job is almost done before I came here. I just need to watch.
The red light comes on. The manuscript is being read in sync with the video and cues.
It was amazing.
"Was Mizumi always like this? She's amazing."
Involuntarily, Miyata stands up. Even through the glass, you can see his concentration. Immersed. The density of the voice, the intonation, the sound. Even the timing of inhaling was beyond the world written in the script, and more than the words we wanted to convey went on. It was amazing.
"...Okay."
Everyone, including me, forgets to breathe and then remembers to breathe as if they remember it. It really takes your breath away. After that, we recorded a slight variation in nuance and a wording correction that only Miyata noticed just in case, and it ended. But the first take will probably be used.
"Thank you for your hard work."
Afterwards, it wasn't exactly a big celebration, but we had some light snacks and it turned into a small get-together. Mr. Sakaguchi got caught up in greeting clients and old friends who worked in the studio. It seemed that Mizunami had another job to get to, so she apologized to the manager politely and left right away. I had already finished my greetings, so I had nothing else to do and decided to take a walk to the vending machine to get some fresh air.
"Yuri, you look cool now!"My phone vibrated. It was Mizunami. A new message appeared under the read message from a few years ago, where she had last said "sorry." It was strange that it seemed to have jumped forward in time. I recalled her back then and just a moment ago, wondering what to reply, but another message came as if she knew.
"Did you make this, Yuri? I saw your name in the proposal and thought it must be you! So, I thought I had to step up my game... Did it work? Was it good?""Yeah. It was good. It was amazing, actually. Thanks.""No, thank you."Holding the phone tightly, unable to contain my emotions, I nodded my head vigorously and squatted down, shedding a few tears.
"Here you go."I handed a warm hojicha to Mr. Sakaguchi, who had taken refuge, and he said "thank you" while waving his hand as he collapsed onto the sofa. Being popular is tough. I sat down next to him and sipped the coffee. It was still warm enough.
"Mr. Sakaguchi, do you think I'm creating something now?""Yeah. Because that's our job, isn't it?"He spoke softly while twisting the cap off his bottle. I took another sip of my coffee and swallowed my previous words. I felt like crying again. I couldn't become the "me" I wanted to be, but right now with this person, we were definitely creating something. This might be the best job yet, but it could be forgotten in a few years, consumed and not remembered by anyone. Even so..."So, what should we do next?"We, who create things, continue to create and make something new. Surely.
What are you creating right now? Repeating the question over and over.

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