What is a developmental disability? Is it just my imagination?

Hello, my name is herugemu. I learned about developmental disabilities in 2019 when a friend told me about them.

I then decided to see a psychiatrist in earnest after being stumped in my job search.

I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD in December 2021.

I honestly wondered if I should write this NOTE again. Because I had to write it while remembering my bad memories and the memories of suffering. However, considering that I have been suffering from developmental problems, I decided to write it because I wanted non-developmental people to know what kind of problems I have.

Childhood problems

In my childhood, I was just restless and choppy. I later found out that this was a symptom of ADHD.

Because of this, my mother told me I was very restless and a handful. He actually drew on the ceiling and ran around.

Because of this, I was often bullied at daycare.

School-age problems

He was restless and extremely afraid to speak up in front of the whole school, so he had to speak up in front of the whole school.

In the third grade of elementary school, I was physically punished by my homeroom teacher as a child who did not know what to say because of my restlessness and clumsiness. In elementary school, I did not fit in with group life and was especially afraid of practicing the recorder and speaking up in front of many students.

After being ridiculed and laughed at by my classmates, I always tried to keep a blank expression on my face so as not to show my emotions as much as possible.

Adolescent problems

In the second year of junior high school, I stopped going to school because of pranks from my classmates. I lost all the friends I had become close with due to a change of classes, and I was so blinded by darkness that I seriously considered whether to go to school or die.

At home, I played video games all the time to escape from reality and stayed indoors. Why did I not fit in so well when my classmates were in their adolescence?

My parents told me that I was spoiled, and I thought it was best for me to be patient and not show my emotions, so I tried my best not to assert myself or express my feelings.

Later, I entered a correspondence high school and found the joy of studying thanks to friends I became close with. Studying and getting good grades made my parents, brother, grandparents, and school teachers happy, and I realized that I was a good person to live with.

Worries as a college student

During my four years of college, I spent all my time shutting myself away, studying and watching anime in order to prepare for the civil service exam. I was especially careless about fashion, probably because I wore the same clothes for days. I was teased by people who said, "uncool," "Are you a homeless person? It was painful to be teased by people like "uncool," "Homeless?

Why do they throw such offensive words at me? It was just a sad and frustrating college experience.

Later, this seemed to be a symptom of a developmental disorder called identity preservation, which causes people to act the same way.

Worries during and after job hunting

After graduating from college, I spent three years as a job seeker to prepare for the civil service exam. However, I was not able to pass the exam because I was not good at following directions and was obsessive. I decided to give up and tried a job as a reserve self-defense officer. I passed the exam without any problems.

However, I was not good at disassembling and assembling guns and learning by seeing and hearing, so I could not do it as well as others, even if I saw it many times, and it took me longer than others to learn.

After that, I worked as a legal guard. This was the hardest job I have ever had in my life. I had to learn by imitation, watch, and multitask, and I learned firsthand that I was slower than the people around me.

Naturally, my boss yelled at me every day, and I cried with frustration and pity. My mother pointed out to me that I was frustrated because I was living like this for so long. I was already at my mental limit and was always afraid. I felt I was going crazy and submitted my resignation.

I moved to Tokyo with the sole intention of changing the environment in which I was born and raised and to be reborn. At first, I worked at a PC factory.

Because the job was to repair PCs, I was able to concentrate on my work without interpersonal negotiations, which I did not like. However, I became so absorbed in my work that I neglected to take care of my physical condition.

As a result, my herniated disc returned and I had to resign. After that, I worked in an Amazon warehouse. This job was also easy because there was no multitasking or interpersonal negotiation. Eventually, my herniated disc worsened and I had to retire. I was desperate and wondered why my life was so unlucky. After that, I returned to my parents' house and set my sights on the IT industry with the intention of starting all over again. However, the trauma of panicking over the phone came back to me, and I gave up trying to find a job.

After that, my self-esteem dropped considerably, and I lost the meaning of my existence, which I had sacrificed my health to work for good grades, and thought that nothing mattered.

However, in December of 2021, I was diagnosed with ASD and ADHD, which gave me the opportunity to face my disabilities and here I am today.

I hope that the number of people who suffer from developmental disorders will decrease, and I will continue to write about my experiences so that the world will become a place where people can live strongly even with such developmental characteristics. Thank you for reading to the end.

What I would like to write in the future

As a person with developmental disabilities, I will try to think about how I can lead a better life. I will try to find realistic solutions by trial and error, not by mentalism or gut feelings.