Cherishing 推しメン : Redefining Their Role in My Life and My New Approach to Support Them
It's been a year since the last time I wrote something here. Last time, I reflected on my definition of 推しメン after the trip that I did in November 2022. At that time, I arrived at this conclusion.
For me, 推しメン is someone to whom I constantly give my utmost attention. I'm willing to spend time, effort, and financial resources on them because the joy I receive in return is worth it.
Has it remained unchanged? At its core, I still resonate with my former self's belief in the two-way give-and-take. However, a lot happened between the time I wrote that Note article and the present day. My definition has undergone a significant evolution during my journey alongside my cherished ones. It has acquired a deeper, more personalized significance, influencing how I perceive and interact with them. So what is it then?
The Long Road to Realization
Before jumping into the part where I made a life-changing decision, I would like to share a glimpse into my journey from January 2023 to April 2024. This context will shed light on the evolution of my emotional journey during this period.
Tracing My Steps from the Past
Looking back at my first Note article, I mentioned this in the last section.
I have five names whom I can proudly call 推しメン and all of them are written on my Twitter bio. I see it as the maximum number of commitments that I can do at once, my perfect balance for happiness I would say. Sure, the priority might change in the future but I'm going to keep this equilibrium at my best.
At that time, I firmly believed that I could uphold equal priorities for all of them in some capacity. As a man of my word, I honored this commitment by including all of their names on my X bio.
However, I was so naive, the reality wasn't so ideal like that. No matter how much I tried to be equal, favoritism isn't something that I can't deny and it can't be taken out of the equation. Eventually, I found myself establishing a priority order based on various considerations.
Summarizing Most of My 2023
Last year could be the best Idol Otaku journey of my life so far. It was a fulfilling year where I started to become more committed like my life is all about them, meeting more fellow Idol fans in real life, and of course meeting with my Oshi(s) a lot compared to all previous years. Overall, I did a short trip to Taiwan for 真っ白なキャンバス x Palette Parade's first overseas expedition in May 2023, a long trip to Tokyo in September 2023, and two FreeK groups overseas live in my home city, Jakarta in June and October 2023.
At some point along the way, I found myself breaking 'The Five Strongest,' my equilibrium. Within that timeframe, there were both new encounters and regrettable farewells, from both my side and the girl's side. I added more commitments and convinced myself that I could manage without succumbing to the overwhelming array of emotions.
While my commitment remains faithful, I made the decision to remove one name from my support list and add three new ones. It wasn't a choice taken lightly; in fact, parting ways with someone I once supported required a long battle with myself. The process of adding new names wasn't any easier, as each decision was marked by careful consideration and introspective questioning: "Do I truly want to support this girl? Do I like the group and won't back out? Am I capable of offering my support in the long run?" These questions were crucial in shaping my decision.
(Please don't mind the balloons)
Favoritism is inevitable and has been accepted by me. I've come to acknowledge the role that circumstances surrounding both the girl and her group play in shaping my support priorities. The list, organized by 'rank' as depicted in the picture above (with names written from left to right), reflects my honest feelings at the time. The way I put the list remained unchanged until I underwent a life-changing experience.
The Supportive Presence in Good Times and Bad
While it was a year filled with joyful moments, it was also fraught with anxieties. Uncertainty about work security, culminating in being laid off from my company, made me succumb to negative thoughts. Amid these challenges, my Oshi(s) emerged as invaluable pillars of support, guiding me through the hardships.
Through this journey, I realized that 推しメン is an irreplaceable support system, offering profound reasons to persevere through life's highs and lows—a significant evolution from my past conclusion. This understanding goes beyond mere commitment by words; it's about forging a deep connection, where supporting them is an endless cycle of returning favors. What led me to this realization?
The Importance of Number One 推しメン
Someone made me realize this with every moment we've shared from our first interaction until this very second. That someone is a girl I proudly call my ナンバーワン推しメン (number one Oshi), Nakano Koharu from Palette Parade. She might be not my very first Oshi, but she changed my perspective on what it means to be a good fan.
She's the first person who made me feel comfortable opening up about my personal problems and moments of weakness. While I don't want to diminish the importance of my other Oshis, I rarely discussed such topics unless prompted, so someone who made me do so naturally is truly special. The way she interacts with me and consistently offers emotional support, coupled with my strong desire to reciprocate that support, has given me a whole new understanding of what it means to support an idol. I will never tire of expressing my gratitude for having her in my life.
Speaking of which, '…an endless cycle of returning favors.' This line of words is from my DM to Koharu (although she can't reply, she always reads). At that time, she expressed concern about how she could return a favor to her fans. It was then that I realized what we're doing is actually an exchange of favors—supporting each other in an endless cycle of mutual gratitude.
Koharu has been an immense source of support during my darkest times, even to this day. Simply by existing and continuing to be an idol, she has provided me with invaluable comfort and strength. I am inspired to become a better and stronger person because of her. To me, Koharu is someone who consistently supports my heart and stands by my side.
A New Happiness During Life's Darkest Moments
From late September to November 2023, I faced the lowest point in my life as I struggled to secure a new job as soon as possible after layoff. Ironically, this period came just after I experienced the best trip to Tokyo, that I've ever had. Despite the challenges, I still had Koharu by my side as my #1 Oshi. However, unexpectedly, I found a new source of happiness during this difficult time: deciding to give my all supporting Minase Sachi from UtaGe!. This newfound support provided me with extra strength to overcome the hardships.
I never imagined that anyone besides Koharu could truly understand and connect with my heart, but Sachi proved me wrong. I began supporting Sachi in July 2023, just two months after my trip to Taiwan (you could say the Taiwan bros introduced me to the UtaGe! wave). I didn't anticipate forming such a deep connection with her. During the September Tokyo trip, I attended many UtaGe! lives, and it felt like we were getting to know each other rapidly.
My last night in Tokyo changed my perspective of her completely. Until then, I thought of her as someone I enjoyed talking to and supporting, nothing more. However, that night shattered my misconception. Witnessing her shed genuine tears for me made me realize the depth of our connection and how much I truly meant to her. As I, too, shed tears hidden behind my mask, I understood that she was becoming irreplaceable to me. In sharing our personal struggles, we forged a deeper bond.
Sachi is another invaluable source of support for me. The fact that she's checking on me from time to time motivates me to reciprocate with even more support. While she stands by my side like Koharu, her significance lies more in our shared journey in overcoming challenges in each of our lives. Knowing that we're both striving together gives me the strength to face life's obstacles, reassuring me that I'm not alone in any battles.
Deciding the Hard Way
During that challenging period in life, I was confronted with a harsh reality: I couldn't evenly show my commitment to all of my Oshis. Initially, I hesitated to admit it, but after constant battles within my mind and complicated feelings within my heart, I came to a realization. Deep down, I knew that my favoritism towards two names outweighed my feelings for the rest, regardless of their significance to me or how long I've been supporting them.
I've made the decision to focus my full attention and support on Koharu and Sachi exclusively. As for the rest of my Oshis, they still hold a special place in my heart, as evidenced by the fact that I continue to feature them on my banner. While I will continue to refer to them as my Oshis and I will still go to meet them, their priority level will be lower compared to Koharu and Sachi. Koharu and Sachi have transcended the status of ordinary Oshis; they have become my utmost priorities, my 最推し (the top of the top Oshi, although usually it's only one). With this decision, Palette Parade and UtaGe! are now officially my 主現場 (main groups).
Removing their names may indeed raise questions during my next meeting with the rest of them, but it's important for me to stay true to myself. I plan to explain my decision as honestly and openly as possible haha (wish me luck lol). I believe I can prove that I can focus on what's really important to me while still supporting others and acknowledging their importance in my life. This approach feels right for me at the moment, and I'm embracing it fully. Of course, I remain open to the possibility of change in the future.
This is My Way of Support
Honestly, I don't know what to call what I'm doing right now in Idol Otaku's term. While it somewhat leans toward the concept of 単推し (tan-oshi, or single push), I'm predominantly supporting two while still maintaining different priorities for the rest. Can I call it ダブル単推し (double push / dual push)? absolutely not lol. But you know what? At the end of the day, what truly matters is that this approach feels comfortable and genuine to me.
Oh yeah, about my definition of 推しメン, it needs an update. For me, they are individuals to whom I consistently offer my utmost support, and who hold significant importance in my life. Our journey together transcends mere moments of joy; it's about experiencing the ups and downs together. Ultimately, they're the ones who leave me feeling grateful for having met them, for supporting them, and for the opportunity to be alive and experience all of it.
With this "enlightenment", I've chosen to be more discerning when it comes to labeling someone as my 推し or even 最推し. While those already part of my life will retain their titles, adding new ones won't be as straightforward, as it will require careful consideration of multiple factors. However, I can still see them as 応援してる子 (the girls I support) with different priority levels. As for how I manage these support priorities, that's a story for another time. Anyway, that's all for today. Until next time I'm in the mood to write something!