悔しさが怒りに勝った日　The day frustration beat anger

とタイトルに書いてみたものの
悔しさもまた何通りもの英訳があって
どれがしっくりくるのだろうと考えてしまう

I'm not really sure if "frustration" actually reflects
what I mean…
Here, I am referring to the feeling of being frustrated 
with or disappointed at yourself, or regretting.

とにかく、今日の息子との会話の話です
「ママ今日ね、悔しさが怒りに勝ったの！」
とすごい笑顔で報告してきた息子

Anyway, this post is about the conversation
I had with my son today.
"Mom, my frustration beat anger today!"
He told me with a big smile on his face.

小さい頃からできなくて悔しいときや恥ずかしいとき、
嬉しさや楽しみが大きすぎてがっかりな結果になったき、
焦っているとき、プレッシャーを感じたとき、
悪いことして罪悪感に苛まれるとき
責められてると思ったとき、思いが伝わらなかったとき
気持ちの幅が大きくて自分で抑えられなくなって
それが怒りとしてしか表現できなかった息子です

He has always been overwhelmed by his own big emotions.
When he felt disappointed or embarrassed,
when the outcome disappointed the expectation and he was sad,
when he had to hurry or was under pressure,
when he was guilty,
when he felt like he was being blamed, 
when he could not communicate his feelings.
All these big emotions came out as anger.

だから周りももちろん、私も本人も
「おこりんぼう」だと思っていた

Naturally, he was labelled as "the angry kid" by everyone
including me and himself

怒ると破壊的になる
泣きながら叫ぶ、物を手当たり次第投げる
部屋をぐちゃぐちゃにする、教科書をビリビリに破るなど
完全に制御不可能
学校行くのもお出かけするのも常にヒヤヒヤ

When he gets "angry", he becomes destructive.
He would shout and yell with tears, throw things,
turn his room upside down, tear up books.
His outbursts are totally out of control.
I was always walking on eggshells around him.

私もその感情に引っ張られてしまいながら
このままじゃこの子は社会に出れないと思い
怒鳴ったり叩いてしまったこともある

His emotions affected me so much and at the same time,
the thought of "what kind of adult would he turn out to be?"
led me to yell at him or even hit him in the past.

それでも一向に良くならなくて途方に暮れた

But nothing worked and I was at a complete loss.

セラピーも受けたし発達障害のテストも受けたけど
はっきりとした原因がわからない

We tried therapy and he even took a test for developmental disorder,
but couldn't get any answer.

そこから私がどんな風にして彼と向き合って
今心の余裕が持てるようになったのかは書ききれないので
また別の機会に書こうと思うけど
今日、教科書を破ってしまったら訪れる悔しさが
怒りに勝ったと言うのはすごく大きなこと

I couldn't possibly write about what I did and 
how I can feel at peace now in one post so I'll save it for later,
but it is a huge step forward that the frustration he would have felt
if he tore up the textbook beat anger today.

「僕の悔しさの感情は小っちゃいの。そして怒りはすごく大きいの。
でも、悔しさが負けたくなくて、負けるな、頑張れって僕に言うから
怒り以外の感情を結束させて勝ったんだよ！」
まるで映画のインサイド・ヘッドの世界

This is his explanation about what was going on inside his mind.
"Mom, my frustration is very small and anger is very big and strong.
But today, frustration did want to lose and told me to stand strong.
So I summoned all other feelings and together, we beat anger!"
Sounds like the movie, "Inside Out".

怒りには勝てないと思ってずっと生きてきたから
今日は本当に彼にとって大勝利の日。
この一度の成功はすごく意味のあること。
また負けちゃうこともあるかも知れないけど
怒りが無敵ではないことを知れたのはとても嬉しい

This is the day of a big win for him.
He has spent all his life thinking that he could not beat anger.
So this one success is significant.
There may be times when the anger wins again, but
I am so happy that he now knows that it is not invincible.