夜更けの虫と、癌の父

　ゴキブリが出た。リビングの天井に、４センチくらいのが出た。２２時ごろで、両親はもう２階の寝室に行ってしまった後だ。

　「キンチョールがあったはず……」。そう思い、洗面台の下の戸を開けると、あった。ニワトリのマークの古めかしいキンチョールがあった。効能を見ると、ハエ、蚊、ゴキブリとちゃんと記されていて、頼もしい。

　ゴキブリは、まだ同じ場所にとどまっていた。懸念されるのは、天井なのでキンチョールを噴霧したとしても驚いたゴキブリが飛ぶことである。考えるのも嫌だ。だが、このまま生かしておいて寝るわけにもいかない。どこかに潜んでいることが確実になるのは想像するだけで寒気がする。

　もはや立ち向かうしかないのだが、度胸のない僕は、一応もしかして母がスマホをいじってまだ起きていないかと２階まで確認しに行った。そっと開けた戸の隙間から漏れる廊下の明かりに照らされた父と母は、いびきをかいて寝ていた。不眠症の僕からすれば睡眠中に起こされるなんてたまったものではないので、少しがっかりした後にそっと戸を閉じた。

　再び１階のリビングに戻ると、まだいた。かなりでかい。足も太い気がする。触覚はひくひくと動き、気持ち悪い以外の表現が見当たらない。だが、このキンチョールには細長いノズルは付いておらず、ある程度の接近戦は避けられない。僕はキンチョールを右手に、人差し指を上部のボタンに置き、５ｍほどからじりじりと距離を詰めた。

　ここからなら届くか。３ｍほどの距離に近づくと、視力２・０の僕はゴキブリがかなり鮮明に見える。いつも以上に見える。とても気持ち悪い。「これ以上は無理だ―」。そう悟った僕は、そのあたりからの噴霧を決意する。殺虫成分は虫のお尻あたりにある呼吸器官から作用するともなんかで見たことがあった気がするので、それに期待して、まずは無理目な距離から煙幕のように殺虫剤を撒く作戦をとった。

　緊張感を持ち、しかし淡々とボタンを押した。天井向きに３０度程度の角度を付けて発射した白い霧は、ゴキブリ近くをかすめ、下降していく。ゴキブリの様子に変化はなく、相変わらず同じ場所にとどまっている。

　この距離ではだめだった。もっと距離を詰めなければならないが、これ以上近づけばもし飛翔したときに危険が及ぶ。だが、詰めざるを得ない。少し近づいた僕は、覚悟して噴霧する。

　今回もゴキブリには届かなかった、が、様子に変化はあった。やや動きが速くなり、焦るようにチョコマカと動いた。やったかもしれない期待は、そのまま飛ぶかもしれない恐怖の裏返しだ。再び５ｍほどの距離をとりたいところだが、後ろはもう壁。これ以上の距離はとれない。

　次の瞬間、天井のゴキブリは落ちた。４センチくらいのゴキブリは落ちた。リビングのテーブルの上に。それは、いつも天井や床にいるよりも人間の目線に、僕の身長は１６８．６センチだが、その目線に最も近く、視力のいい僕は、じたばたするその姿が本当にもう鮮明に見えた。４センチくらいのサイズ感の見立ては正しかったが、近くで見るとその厚みに気付いた。カブトムシとか、セミとかそういった気持ち悪さがあった。

　無理だ。「ウワーーーーーー」、僕は声を上げて、２階へと階段を駆け上がり、眠っている両親などお構いなしに戸を開けた。

　「どうしたんだ！！」。僕の叫び声を聞いていた父は、すでにベッドから起き上がって片足は床につけ身を乗り出していた。肺癌と戦い、抗癌剤で髪や眉が無くなってしまったその顔だが、眉間にしわがぐにゃりと寄り、目つきは鋭く、家族を守るために何者かと戦う決意が表れていた。

　いびきをかいて寝ていたにもかかわらず、家族を守るためにすぐに立ち上がれるその覚悟は、たくましく、強かった。僕は癌と戦う父を支えようと、仕事を休み実家に帰ってもろもろの手助けをしていた。そこで見た父は、寝る時間が増え、起きていてもリビングの机に突っ伏す姿も目立ち、少し歩くだけで息が切れてしまう弱弱しい姿だった。辛そうだった。

　僕はそんな姿を見るのが悲しかった。この先、奇跡が起きて癌が治癒したとしても、良くない未来は簡単に想像できたし、四六時中そんな思いに襲われていた。それはおそらく母も姉もそうだった。強い父はもう戻らない。仕方がないこととは言え、その現実に直面する毎日は辛かった。

　だが、今日は違った。久しぶりに、あれほど力強い父を見た。闘気を纏った、父親の顔だった。３１歳になったばかりの僕はすっかり一人前の大人になったつもりだったが、子を守ろうとする父の表情の前に、心から安堵した。

　「いや、ゴキブリが出て……」。拍子抜けする僕の言葉に、父はあきれたように「何を騒いどるんだ」と言って、また寝た。安眠を妨げて申し訳なかったが、僕は父の姿に改めて尊敬を覚えたし、嬉しかった。こんな日々が続けばいいと、願わずにはいられなかった。

　その後、ゴキブリは母が葬った。

写真＝疲れからか、目をつぶる父

　The cockroaches were out. About four inches on the ceiling in the living room, at about 10pm, after my parents had already gone upstairs to their bedroom.

　'There must have been a Kinchor...' With that thought, I opened the door under the sink and there it was. There was an old-fashioned kinchor with a chicken symbol on it. When I looked at the indications, I found that it was labeled as a fly, mosquito and cockroach remedy, which was encouraging.

　The cockroaches still stayed in the same place. The concern is that if we sprayed the ceiling with Kinchol, the startled cockroaches would fly away. I hate to think about it. But I can't just let them live and sleep. It gives me a chill just to imagine that it is sure to be lurking somewhere.

　I had no choice but to confront it, but I didn't have the nerve, so I went upstairs to see if my mother was still awake, playing with her phone. My father and mother were asleep in the hallway light that leaked through a crack in the gently opened door, and they were snoring. As an insomniac, I couldn't bear to be woken up in the middle of my sleep, so I quietly closed the door after some disappointment.

　When I went back downstairs to the living room again, he was still there. He's pretty big. I feel like my legs are thicker, too. His sense of touch twitches and twitches, and I can't find any other way to describe it other than creepy. But this Kinchor doesn't have a long, slender nozzle, and a certain amount of close combat is inevitable. I placed the Kinchor in my right hand, my index finger on the button at the top, and gradually closed the distance from about 5 meters.

　I can see the cockroaches quite clearly from a distance of about 3 meters away, as I have 2.0 vision, and I can see them even more clearly than usual. I could see them even more clearly than usual. It's very creepy. I couldn't go any further," I thought. I realized that, and decided to spray from that area. I think I've seen that the insecticidal ingredients work from the respiratory organs around the buttocks of the insects, so, hoping for that, I took the strategy of spraying the insecticide from an unreasonable distance like a smokescreen first.

　I pressed the button tensely, but nonchalantly. The white mist, fired at an angle of about 30 degrees to the ceiling, skimmed near the cockroaches and descended. There was no change in the cockroach's condition, and it still stayed in the same spot.

　It wasn't good at this distance. I would have to get closer, but if I got any closer, I would be in danger if they flew away. But I had no choice but to close the distance. As I got a little closer, I was prepared to spray the cockroaches.

　Again, the cockroaches didn't reach me, but there was a change in their behavior. They moved slightly faster. The expectation that I might have done it was the flip side of the fear that it might fly straight away. I wanted to get about five meters away again, but there was a wall behind me. I couldn't get any further away.

　The next thing I know, the cockroach on the ceiling has fallen, about four inches off. On the table in the living room. It was closer to the human eye line than it always is to the ceiling or the floor, I'm 6'6", but it was the closest I could get to that eye line, and with my good eyesight, I could see the fluttering figure really clearly already; I was right about the four centimeters or so in size, but up close I noticed the thickness of it. It had that creepy feeling of being a beetle or a cicada or something like that.

　Impossible. 'Woohoo!', I hissed, running up the stairs to the second floor and opening the door without regard to my sleeping parents.

　'What's the matter with you! . My father, who had heard me scream, was already up out of bed, one foot on the floor, leaning forward. His face was wrinkled between his eyebrows and his eyes were sharp and sharp, though he had lost his hair and eyebrows to the anti-cancer drugs he had taken to fight lung cancer.

　Even though he was snoring in his sleep, his determination to stand up for his family was stronger and more resilient than any father I had ever seen. I took time off from work to go home and help my dad with everything that was going on in his battle with cancer. He was sleeping more and more, and even when he was awake, he would lie face down on his desk in the living room and look so weak and frail that he would be out of breath just by walking. She looked like she was in pain.

　It made me sad to see her like that. Even if a miracle were to happen and the cancer was cured, it was easy to imagine a bad future, and that thought haunted me at all hours of the day and night. That was probably true for my entire family. My strong father would never return. Even though I had no choice, it was pretty hard to face that reality every day.

　But today was different. It had been a long time since I had seen such a strong father. I thought I had become an adult, having just turned 31 years old, but the look on my father's face as he tried to protect his children was a sincere relief.

　No, there were cockroaches... My father laughed in disbelief at my clapped-out words, and said, "What are you making a fuss about?" and went back to sleep. I was sorry to have disturbed his restful sleep, but I was happy to see him, and I had a newfound respect for him. I couldn't help but wish that these days would continue.

　Later, the cockroaches were buried by my mother.