Nightly habits

So there she was on the train, thinking about all the possible things that could go wrong. This habit of hers started around when she was in elementary school. On nights, she would just lay in bed and first go through the day focusing on things that she could have done differently. She thought that was a brilliant idea because this way she could correct her bad habits every night and that will really help her become a really “good“ person sooner, though she really didn’t know what that “good” person was like. Now that she thinks about it, the definition of that “good person” was completely conditioned by her parents and what the society at that time wished for her.
For the second part, she would just then simulate in her mind how if she didn’t do what she “should” do, how the worst case scenario would happen. She also thought this was a great idea as this way she can use fear to refrain from procrastinating and prevent herself from getting her into troubles.

Now she is 38 years old, and turning 39 in two months. She realizes that she still has this old habit of hers, it’s just that she’s so good at it that she does it all the time throughout the day unconsciously. So you can imagine, how quickly her mind shifts to this mode instantaneously whenever her mind is not occupied with something better or simply plain bored.
And her worst case scenario simulation she does has become so realistic as if it is now produced by Hollywood. Her stories are so real it really scares her off.

彼女は、電車の中で、いろんなことの最悪のシナリオを妄想していた。この習慣は、彼女が小学生になった頃から始まった。その習慣は小学生の頃からで、夜、ベッドに横になると、まず一日のうちで「こうすればよかった」と思うことを考える。そうすれば、毎晩、自分の悪い癖を直すことができ、早く本当に「いい人」になれるからだ。今思えば、その「いい人」の定義は、完全に両親と当時の社会が彼女に望んでいたものだった。
そして、「やるべきこと」をやらなければ、最悪の事態が起こるということを、頭の中でシュミレーションする。そうすれば、恐怖心によって先延ばしにすることを防ぎ、トラブルを未然に防ぐことができるからだ。

今、彼女は38歳で、あと2カ月で39歳になる。彼女は、この古い習慣がいまだに残っていることに気づく。ただ、今ではあまりにも得意になったので、一日中無意識にやってしまっている。単に退屈しているとき、彼女の心は瞬時にこのモードに移行する。
そして、彼女が行う最悪のシナリオのシミュレーションは、まるでハリウッドが制作したかのようにリアルになっている。彼女の話はあまりにもリアルで、本当に怖くなる。