Habits #1 "Tracking it down"

What are your habits? A habit, according to google is, "a settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up". 

During the month of June, I challenged myself to track my habits. I made a habit tracker in my journal to visualize what and how exactly I spend my time every day. The original motivation for the whole challenge was to motivate myself to have a healthier lifestyle (for example, to drink more water, workout, wake up earlier, etc.) 

There were two kinds of "habits" that I addressed in my habit trackers: the things I want to do more, and the things I want to do less. The things I wanted to do more were things like □ work out, □sleep before 12 AM, □wake up before 7 AM, □devotions, □drink 2 liters of water, and □do yoga. On the contrary, the things I wanted to do less (or quit) were: □alcohol, □coffee, □snacking and □swearing. 

During quarantine, I was able to spend time thinking about myself: what I'm interested in, my future goals, my passions, my tendencies, my weaknesses and strengths, my character, etc. This made me aware of how there are several practices that I think I lack and practices that I overdo. 

I am a coffee lover and I always drink a cup or two every morning. It calms me, and it makes me happy. The smell of coffee makes me smile, no joke. I enjoy drinking, and I love to snack on baked pastries and desserts. All of these things make me happy. But I started to question myself, "Am I eating/drinking for my own pleasure or for God...?" Maybe I've made too big of a deal from it, but it does say in the Bible,

"So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." (1 Corinthians 10:31)

and I took this opportunity to really challenge myself to apply the Word in the small areas of life. 

The same goes for the list of things I want to pursue more, like working out or waking up earlier. These things I don't particularly enjoy doing (because I'm a very lazy couch potato). I wanted to become a diligent person. 

"Diligent hands will rule, but laziness ends in forced labor." (Proverbs 12:24)

So, I tracked my habits every day. I tried to drink less coffee/alcohol and tried to have a healthier lifestyle. This month has been a challenging one because it questioned my self-discipline more than I expected. While this habit tracking challenge was not a vigorous one, it was truly an experience that led me to be more aware of my own lifestyle. 

But there was a greater realization to it, one I didn't expect to come.  

Above everything, however, the most important thing that I realized is how motivated I am by my own interests, my own pleasure, my own desires, my own plans, and my own purposes. 

I realized how selfish I am. I am so self-centered. I am so easily proud, so blinded by my own good, and just so pathetically living for myself. The whole motivation of habit tracking began with selfish ambition, and the process of tracking my habits made me proud of myself, too. 

Never had I known my selfishness so comfortably abiding in the small things in everyday life.

I am ashamed of myself for even saying words like "I have now surrendered my life to Jesus Christ", or "I give all of my heart to you" when these selfish desires were thriving all over the cavities of my heart. I hadn't imagined this habit tracking experience would lead to such immense realization of my sins, and I was overwhelmed by the amount of sin in me. I was so overwhelmed that I didn't know where even to begin; my sin was too heavy for me to bear on my own. Then a phrase from a song started repeating itself in my mind: 

"Oh, the overwhelming, never-ending reckless love of God." 

God's grace is deeper, wider, and more powerful than my sins. God's grace is shown to us by his reckless love that penetrates through the thickest wall of sin and overwhelms our hearts like a flood. God's reckless love shown through the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ is never-ending. 

The more sins I see in myself, the more I taste and experience the greatness of God's grace. It's not that the more I commit sin, the greater His grace becomes. My sin is already greater than I can bear, and there's no purpose in adding more sin to it. God's grace is already so much greater, that there's nothing a man can do to change the amount of God's grace. His grace is a gift we don't deserve; it is a one-way gift from God and all we can do is to receive or reject it. 

"You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows. Surely your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever." (Psalm 23: 5-6)

OH, man. There is TRULY no good in me, apart from God. 

Nothing I do, apart from God, is good. 

The fact that He allows me to experience grace through something shameful and embarrassing like recognizing sin, is such a surprise to me. God is so good to me. Through the process of my selfish habit tracking challenge, God was merciful and again, and showed me His grace. When we truly experience God's grace, all we have left in our hearts is thankfulness and praise, and joy. 

I will continue to pursue a healthy lifestyle, but I know now that whatever I eat or drink, whatever life choices I make, whatever physical habits I pursue or quit, what matters is God. Am I glorifying God through this decision? Does God want me to do this, or not want me to do this? 

God, through his mercy, makes His will and desires clear and understandable in the Bible. He hears and answers our prayers. The Holy Spirit is always with us to help, encourage, and lead us the right way. When we don't know- we are able to ask God freely, because Jesus Christ had given us His own rights to sonship. 

The habit of constantly being in touch with God is a habit I want to pursue the most. A month ago, I read these words from my current devotional "My Utmost To His Highest": "We have to get into the habit of hearkening to God about everything, to form the habit of finding out what God says."

I hope and pray that God will continue to break me, melt me, mold me, and fill me to become more like Him today, tomorrow, and forevermore.