That was eight years old.　８歳

母が苦労話をする時、いつも８歳の私が出てくる。

千葉に住んでいて、父の実家北海道にみんなで移住するという話が出た時母は離婚を考えたらしい。

母「お父さんとお母さん、どっちがいい？」

8歳のあたし「2人ともがいい」

いつも母は私のその言葉で北海道に来たのだと言う。私と妹のために自分は犠牲になりながら頑張ったのだと言う。

褒めて欲しかったのかもしれないし、労ってほしかったのかもしれないが、私は北海道に行ってから苦労することになった母からそれを聞かされるたび「離婚して好きなところでお母さんらしく生きたらいいんだよ、」と本気で一緒に逃げる方法も考えながら伝えてきた。

解決に向けて子どもながら真剣に考えて出した答えだったのに、いいとも悪いとも何もないまままた同じ話を聞かされる。辛いループ。

今でもお前のあの時の言葉が…と言われるとなんとも言えない気持ちに襲われる。

そして今夜母の口からまた同じ言葉が出た。

眼から涙じゃなくて火が出た。

介護士さんのように「そうですね大変でしたね」とは言えない。

8歳の自分が横に座っていて私を見てる。さてどうするべきか。

「今なんて言った？あなたが私に投げた言葉をもう一度言ってみて」大きな声が出た。明らかに怒っているとわかるトーン。我慢できなかった、無理だった、

いつものように母は「聞き流せばいいのに」と言う。なら投げてよこすなと言い返す。

言葉は大切だと母に毎日言ってるのはこのためだった。だけど今夜は自分が守れなかった。守ったのは8歳の自分。

口の中で色んな味がする。

Whenever my mother talks about her struggles, I, an eight-year-old, always come up.

We were living in Chiba, and my mother was thinking of divorcing my father's family when there was talk of us all moving to Hokkaido, my father's home.

My mother: 'Who do you prefer, your father or your mother?'

Eight-year-old me: "I want both of them."

My mother always said that those words were the reason she came to Hokkaido. She said she sacrificed herself and worked hard for me and my sister.

Maybe she wanted me to praise her, maybe she wanted me to work for her, but every time my mother told me that she had to struggle after she went to Hokkaido, I told her, "You should get a divorce and live like a mother wherever you want," while seriously considering how we could escape together.

I was the answer I came up with as a child, thinking seriously about how to solve the problem, but she tells me the same story again, with nothing good or bad about it. It's a painful loop.

Even now, when she tells me that your words at that time..., I'm struck with an indescribable feeling.

And tonight the same words came out of my mother's mouth again.

There were no tears in my eyes, but fire.

I can't say, like a caregiver, "Yes, it's been hard".

My eight-year-old self is sitting beside me, looking at me. Now what should I do?

'What did you just say? 'Say again the words you threw at me' A loud voice came out. A tone that clearly showed he was angry. I couldn't hold back, I couldn't,

As usual, my mother says, 'Why don't you just listen?' Then I tell her not to throw it back at me.

This is why I tell my mother every day that words matter. But tonight I couldn't protect myself. It was my eight-year-old self who protected me.

I can taste many things in my mouth.