わかって欲しいって思ったり

Hello,

This is Ven. (The one and only nine-tailed, fox-masked, Oni from Utsushiyo🦊🎭👹)

I wonder who you are, reading this from somewhere out in the human world?

I Ven writing (haha I’m punny) mostly in Japanese in a lot of my more recent SNS because the language allows me to express a lot (not all) of how I feel.

Though one thing I have noticed is that I have more connections and friends who don’t use Japanese.

Maybe my English-speaking friends and audience are more open to connecting with me. Or maybe it’s something I’m doing unconsciously that alienates Japanese speakers.

I can always make up a lot of reasons to feel bad about whatever I do or don’t but I know there are others in this world who speak English and Japanese. There are so many people who speak multiple languages and probably think in a lot of different ways. Sometimes I think about continuing studies in French or Mandarin since it would be neat to be able to communicate with more people but also to enhance my own experience of this human world.

Anyway, I’m writing this because I feel a sense of close isolation with people. I mean that I feel close to some but there’s an invisible wall separating me from others. Is it my own making? Is it the same for others? Is this just a feeling that I need to learn to let go?

Maybe it’s just a fundamental desire to be understood. I know “understanding” is a wishful sentiment. People can relate and empathize but no one will understand what it’s like to have all of the sensations I feel as I write this down. As much as I recognize that, there is a part of me who wishes I had someone to connect with in a different way.

When I’m thinking to myself the words may start in Japanese, then become English and then switch back to Japanese. It would be nice to have a conversation where I can flip flop and the other person knows what I’m trying to say instead of taking pauses to translate what comes next.

I believe monolingual people might relate to this in a different way. It’s fun to know people who share the same inside jokes, phrases, cultural ideas. I’m grateful I have friends who I can do this with, but I only know one individual who I can share an extra punny moment with. Maybe all of this will come down to how I need to be grateful that that one individual even exists in my environment (which I do).

I’ve been trying to focus on self-belief and self-confidence. I have heard that putting myself and my thoughts “out there” will help me find like-minded people. Like-minded doesn’t mean  compatible so I don’t want to have any expectations. I’d like to believe that if I keep trying, maybe I’ll end up making a new friend or two.

Anyway, if you are reading this sentence, I hope you have a great time in your timezone!

See you in the next post or elsewhere!
ごきげんよう！

With hope and love,
Ven