2024/04/13 English

BGM: Massive Attack - What Your Soul Sings

I worked early today. Just before I started working this morning, I felt in a terrible mood, which was just like my inner voice was saying "You should die soon". Although that event is usual, I still can't get used to it... But as for me, that is not the problem exactly. This happens because my mind has been distorted/tortured by the traumatic memories. Therefore I have to face my wounded inner child from now for a certain long time to cure it.

Suddenly, I thought this. Can I "correct" that stubborn, distorted recognition in a better way? Can I make my systematic/automatic ways of thinking into a better one? Thinking about this, I remembered that there is a tool that can reform my thoughts which must be limited/bent by the bias in me (in Japanese, we say it as "Kogutore [コグトレ]".) I need to google this more.

For example, I still hear various virtual/subliminal voices that try to make me confused (as I have written above, they certainly drive me to death). Yes, they work as a destructive/self-hurting essence in me. I remember the voices... they say to me "You should die", etc. Or, I often feel that other people stare at me with a really cold attitude as enemies (but I can't find any evidence, instead, I just feel that they seem to be unfriendly to me). Those recognitions from the bias in me always let me down.

Once, I had tried to cure this wounded mind with drugs, especially strong spiritual painkillers. But (although all I can suggest is just only a possibility) maybe every problem comes from my distorted recognition, my point of view itself. If so, even though it must need a long time to correct eventually (slowly, slowly...), there can be a piece of hope that says I can be free from this wish to collapse my life itself. But one question... is it truly a good thing for me to cure/correct my bias if that bias can work for me as a booster of these philosophical, deep thoughts?

This evening, after coming back to my group home, I read the rest of Genichiro Takahashi's "DJ Hirohito" [高橋源一郎『DJヒロヒト』]. The author Takahashi must be a brilliant DJ who can make a huge, marvelous mix from plenty of classical books as sources.