2024/05/04 English

BGM: Depeche Mode - Walking In My Shoes

This morning, I thought about an interesting Japanese word "Amae(甘え)". It can mean "spoiled", "indulged" and "pampered". TBH, I was often said "You must have been a spoiled, immature guy" by others such as teachers and classmates. Therefore, I still think that "I should get stronger to become an adult as soon as possible" so strictly.

Yes, now I can see at least two possibilities for that. One is just that those teachers and classmates must have been idiots, and that's all. Another is that I might have already been able to become such a strong guy as they once ordered. Anyway, now no one blames me for that therefore I'm alright... I need to think so (and, yes, I CAN think so). But, still, something is in my way.

Even though I have to admit that I have been spoiled, what should I do about that? What kind of effort should I make to separate/move myself from that spoiled, immature state to be an adult, independent one? Or, simply, any effort by myself can be the best solution to this problem? What if even not being "spoiled" enough in our childhoods can cause various problems now?

As for me, once when I was a kid... Even though my mother said I was a tender child, my classmates blamed me I must have been a weird, crazy kid. As an old theory tells us, this kind of "double bind" situation can drive you to be an illness. When I was a teenager, I had to struggle in my mind seriously therefore I needed to read books. Like Winston Smith in George Orwell's "1984" who tried to escape from the thought police and keep his inner freedom, I needed to keep my mind sane against those classmates (but I don't want to call them idiots).

Now, where have those people who once blamed me as "a terribly spoiled guy" gone? Yes, everything was finished... I must start walking toward my future. Now, I say that even though we can see any "spoiled" essence in our relationships, we shouldn't blame it so simply. Of course, you can blame it when it can cause any trouble actually. But even though I am as old as this, my inner child is always waiting for my care... for being treated with dignity. Or, You still describe me as "You have been spoiled yet"?