The Invisible Wall

This is my story of language barriers at university, which I had been ashamed to talk about and which I had not been able to vocalize.

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I lost language.
Invisible wall is always surrounding me and shutting me out from the society. from language. 
I see the world through the invisible wall.

It's invisible, but it's always there.

Language became something foreign that I cannot reach.
I cannot trust myself anymore–what I read, what I heard, what I understood, and what I felt.
I became an unreliable narrator to myself.
I became an outsider.

The invisible wall always creates fear within me whenever I speak up.
People might not understand me.
People might perceive me negatively.
People might not listen to me.
People might not….

The invisible wall transforms language into random noise.

The invisible wall always blurs my eyesight whenever I read.
I became a slow reader.
I encounter unfamiliar words in every single sentence.
I can never read between lines.
“What’s this nuance?” “What does it mean?” “I can’t understand what the author says.” “WHAT IS THIS?”

The invisible wall always makes me feel my writings do not represent me. 
I can never understand how my writings sound like.
I can never understand how “based off,” “based upon,” and “based on” are different.
People tell me I made grammar mistakes, my essay did not flow well, or my essay was not polished.
Tell me how I can write without grammar mistakes.
Tell me how I can check the flow of my writing.
Tell me how I can make my essay polished without full understanding of my own writing.

I have learned “professionalism” is the synonym of “high language proficiency.”
Academia didn’t welcome me with a warm hug.
Instead, it told me the invisible wall that I’m facing is an illusion.
Knowledge is being placed at the top of a high mountain. I stretched my arm to grasp it, but only my finger could barely touch it.

The invisible wall taught me how to repress my emotions.
The invisible wall taught me how to cover up my frustrations, anxiety, and fear with smiles.
To act like a "successful international student," "role model"...
To fit in the roles that people expect to see. To be accepted.

To celebrate their "diversity" and "inclusion."

But, whose "inclusion" ?Who is the narrator of this story of "inclusion"?

"I can't understand you." "Go away." "I cannot help you." "Your English is bad."
Those voices I heard in the past are echoing in my head.
But, the invisible wall taught me how to not feel anything.
The invisible wall taught me how to apologize when I am not wrong.
The invisible wall taught me how to apologize for facing language barriers.
The invisible wall taught me how to laugh with other people without understanding what people are laughing at.

The invisible wall is always whispering into my ears that I’m not enough.
The invisible wall took confidence away from me and gave me an unwanted gift of inferiority, anxiety, and fear.
The invisible wall reminds me that my voice is voiceless and worthless.
I need to break this invisible wall before I speak up. I need language to speak up.
But, language is so far away from me.

People said to me, “It’s okay that your English is not proficient.”
I wanted to believe.
I tried to believe that's true.
But, society and institutions are constantly telling me it’s not okay.
I realized people who told me cannot see how the wall is high and thick.
Because it’s “invisible.”
Because it “cannot be helped.”
Because it’s “a lack of my effort.”
Because it’s “all my fault for coming into a ‘foreign space.’ ”

The invisible wall taught me how language is important.
How much we are relying on language.
To understand others.

To understand ourselves.
To understand the world.
To shape our identities.

To believe in ourselves.

Now I regained my voice to speak up.
To tell that the invisible wall is not an illusion.
It's not invisible, either.

But, just you don't know it's there.  Or, you don't know how to know it's there.