[英検準1級ライティング＃15]日本は外国人労働者をさらに雇用すべきである［賛成］

[写真について]
桜が咲いていたから・・4月かな？トロントのミツヴァの先生の家（サマーハウスのような？別荘なのかな）にうかがったときのこと。広いトマト畑があって、その中に植えられていた桜です。

桜も紅葉もトロント最大の公園、ハイパークが有名で、素晴らしいそうです。私、観光をほとんどしなかったので、行っていない。。
ステイホームで散歩慣れした今なら、どこに行っても前以上に楽しめるとおもうなあ。

［ライティング］
日本は外国人労働者をさらに雇用すべきである。というテーマ。
試験だからどうしても書きやすいPointを選ぶ必要があり、
高齢化とコストを選びました。すると、先進国と途上国の関係が
如実に現れる文章になるので、これをフィリピンの先生にみてもらうのは
心苦しい気持ちがしました。色々考えられる良い機会です。

　◎TOPIC
Agree or disagree:
Japanese companies should hire more foreign workers

*I wrote it from the "Agree" side.
◎Points
Aging Population
Costs

[a final copy]
［A Bosnian tutor's］(*9/22追記)
　　There are many discussions about increasing the number of foreign workers. I think it is desirable for Japanese companies to hire more foreign workers.
　　First of all, Japan has an aging population. The workforce is declining especially in the fields of caregiving. We will need more caregivers because the number of senior citizens will increase. We need workers from foreign countries to support our labor shortage.
*experience an aging population　ではなく、have an aging population
　　Secondly, hiring foreign workers would be a solution for the industries which struggle with cost reduction. These companies' wages are often low. Japanese people are not keen to be engaged in low-paying jobs. However, foreign workers would take those jobs because the wages are often better than the ones in their countries.
*または、the ones を省略して、the wages are often better than in their countries.
　　Considering the lack of labor due to an aging population and the necessity of cost reduction, Japanese companies need more workers from overseas.

[a Filipino tutor's]
　　Japan is experiencing a decrease in population. I believe Japanese companies should hire more foreign workers. I have two reasons why I think so.
　　First of all, Japan is now experiencing an aging population. Our workforce is declining especially in the fields of agriculture and caregiving. We need workers from foreign countries to support our labor shortage.
　　Secondly, for some industries which have had problems with the shortage of workers, hiring foreign workers would be a solution. These industry's salaries are often low. Japanese people won't like to get these jobs, but foreign workers would take these jobs. This is because the wages are often better than their country's.
　　Considering the lack of labor due to an aging population and the necessity of cost reduction, not only Japanese companies but also Japanese society need more workers from overseas.

４【清書+Grammary添削後】
　　Japan has faced a decrease in population. I believe Japanese companies should hire more foreign workers. I have two reasons why I think so.
*a decrease in populationはface(向き合っている)のではなくて、実際にexperienceしている
　　First of all, Japan has experienced an aging society. Our workforce is declining especially in the fields of agriculture and nursing for the elderly. We need workers from foreign countries to support our labor shortage.
*Japan is an aging societyとすべき
　　Secondly, for some industries which have had problems with the shortage of workers, hiring foreign workers would be a solution. Foreign workers often voluntarily are engaged in these occupations, because the wages are often better than their country's.
　　Considering the lack of labor due to an aging population and the necessity of cost reduction, not only Japanese companies but also Japanese society need more workers from overseas.

３【2の先生添削後】

【a rough draft after the tutor's check】
　　Japan has experienced a decrease in population. I believe Japanese companies should hire more foreign workers. I have two reasons why I think so.
　　First of all, the workforce in Japan is declining especially in the fields of agriculture and care-giving. We definitely need workers from foreign countries to support our labor shortage.
　　Secondly, many Japanese people are not keen to be engaged in low salary jobs such as farm work and care-giving. But the wages are sometimes a lot of money for foreign workers. They are often voluntarily engaged in these occupations.
　　In conclusion, accepting foreign workers is necessary not only for Japanese companies but also for their society.

　2【1のGrammary添削後】
【a rough draft after the Grammarly check】
　　Japan has faced a decrease in population. I believe Japanese companies should hire more foreign workers. I have two reasons why I think so.
　　First of all, Japan has experienced an aging society. Our workforce is declining especially in the fields of agriculture and nursing for the elderly. We definitely need workers from foreign countries to support our labor shortage.
　　Secondly, many Japanese people are not keen to be engaged in low salary work such as agriculture and nursing for the elderly. But the low wage is sometimes a lot of money for foreign workers. They often voluntarily are engaged in these occupations.
　　In conclusion, accepting foreign workers are necessary for Japanese society.

1【添削前】
  スペルミスがいっぱい！！
農業まで間違うなんて。。意外と書かないから。。漢字と同じで
書けないのかも、と気づけてよかった。　

【a rough draft】
　　Japan has faced the decrease of population. I believe Japanese companies should hire more foreign workers.I have two reasons why I think so.
*increase, decrease の後は、in!!! 覚えた！
　　First of all, Japan has experienced an aging society. Our workforth is declining especially in the fields of agreeculture and nursing for the elderly. We difinately need workers from foreign countries to support our shortage of workforth.
　　Secondly, many Japanese people are not keen to engaged in low salary work such as agreeculture and nursing for the elderly. But the low wage is sometimes a lot of money for foreign workers. They often voluntarily are engaged in these occupation.
　　In conclusion, accepting foreign workers are necessary for the Japanese society.