【英検ライティング#7】日本の高校教育は改善する必要がある【反対】

こんにちは。
【写真について】
5年前トロントへの13時間フライトで隣だった韓国人の女性。
名前が英語でいうと、Flowers(日本語だと、花たち？)という珍しい名前。
私と歳が同じということもあり、いろいろおしゃべりしながら、
辛い長いフライトを乗り切りました。
　
彼女は、韓国系カナダ人と結婚していて、旦那さんが空港に迎えにきてくれたのですが、そのまま、私をホームステイ先まで送ってくれました(T_T)(T_T)！！！
　
 料理に不慣れな私は、かつて、中国に留学した際、
韓国のルームメートと毎日韓国料理を作って食べていました。
トロントでも韓国料理を食べて過ごそうとしたところ、
彼女と旦那さんが、韓国スーパーに連れて行ってくれ、
料理のアドヴァイスもしてくれたのでした。
　
タシダというだしの素を使わず、冷凍煮干しを使う方法を教えてくれました。本当に美味しくて。。私は又、毎日韓国料理を食べておりました。
ほんの5年前の。。しかしすでに遠くに感じられる思い出です！


今日は、英検準1級の過去問のライティング問題。
日本の高校教育は改善する必要があるというテーマで
とにかく速く書くことを意識して(；´Д｀)
【反対】の立場にしました。

◎TOPIC
Agree or disagree:
High school education in Japan needs to be improved
■I wrote it from the disagree side.
◎POINTS
・Pressure on students
・Curriculum

【先生添削後】

　　Admittedly, the quality of Japanese high school education is quite high in the world. Although I think we have to maintain it, we don't need to improve it.

　　First, the Japanese school system has had a very firm system for many years. If the government changes it, the change could apply a lot of pressure not only on students but also on teachers to adapt to a new study process to proceed to higher education.
※don't have flexibility in the education systemだと、改善する必要があるという意味になってしまうので、a very firm systemというpositiveな意味の言葉を使う
※give a big pressure→apply a lot of pressure 
※reschedule their study→adapt to a new study process
こういうのは覚えるしかない。

　　Second, the curriculum of high school in Japan is well designed. Schools in some countries don't teach music or gymnastics. While, in Japan even in high school, students learn them as a compulsory subject. I think such a subject diversity is required to foster a well-balanced person through public education.

　　In conclusion, I think high school education in Japan should remain as it is rather than trying to change something.
※is better to be as it is →should remainって美しいなって思った！

【Grammary添削後】

もう少し時間をかけて書いた＆Grammaryで修正したら。。

　　Admittedly, the quality of Japanese high school education is quite high in the world. Although I think we have to maintain it, we don't need to improve it.

　　First, we don't have flexibility in the education system. If the government changes it, the change will give a big pressure not only on students but also on teachers to reschedule their study to proceed to higher education.

　　Second, the curriculum of high school in Japan is well designed. Schools in some countries don't teach music or gymnastics. While, in Japan even in high school, students learn them as a compulsory subject. I think such a subject diversity is one of a requirement to foster a well-balanced person in public education.

　　In conclusion, I think high school education in Japan is better to be as it is now rather than trying to change something. 

【添削前】

25分間で書いたら・・

　　Admittedly, the quality of Japanese high school education is quite high in the world. I think we have to maintain it, but don't need to improve it.

　　First, the curriculum of high school is well designed. School in some countries don't teach music or gymnastics. While, in Japan even in high school, students learn them, which foster well ballanced person.
※何を指すか不明な、it やwhichを使わない。と指摘いただきわかってるのだが、つい使う。曖昧な言葉遣いが癖になっているんだろうな。

　　Second, high school education schedule is hectic. Everyone study hard for entering good university. If the govenment change the system or the curriculum, the change will give a big pressure not only on students but also on teachers.
※冠詞をつけられない〜。つけるなら、the high school education, a good university
※everyoneは3単元なので、everyone studies
※government スペルを間違いやすい！

　　In conclusion, I think high school education in Japan should be as it is now.