単なる物語として(少し違う！本当の話は！)

いつもではないけれど
本当の話は「少し違う」！

ー

単なる物語として
A story

改題
「そして
犬は
永遠に！
どこかへ行ってしまう！」

title:
"...And
Dog has gone
Somewhere...
FOREVER!"

Kの母は
K's Mother

あんなふうに
産みたくなかった
頼まれても
Didn't want to
but
She did coz XX(or who?) asked her to give birth

だから
体外受精で
戻す
そんなふうな便利な出産方法(relaxmaxが昔suggestされたイギリスのIVF)があったのなら
そうしたかった
so
She thought
She wanted to give birth "K" as IVF if she knew about "in vitro fertilization"
As a tummy! just a tummy for a BABY K (coz XX wanted to)

出産する
産みの母にはなれる
Just a tummy!
She could be... if she "KNEW"
The WAY

だけどセックスで産む
BUT
SEX
and
GIVE birth "K"

セックス
SEX

そうしたいわけではなかった
(選択肢でさえない
技術？
モラル？
国の違い？)
She didn't want to have SEX
but she did (coz XX wanted to have "A BABY"...( Dose this "A BABY" ... could be "someone else not him"?)

A way? (which she didn't know if there was "another way"!)
(it wasn't "A CHOICE",
just SEX (not IVF? "in vitro fertilization" technique!
Moral issue? what? it's "MY" LIFE! (not yours!)
If she were born in a different country...she had "CHOICE"?

君のことを
愛していない訳ではないけど
She said
"I LOVE YOU"
"BUT..."

あんなふうに
セックスして
君を産みたいとは
思えていなかった
"I must say"
"I didn't want to give birth..."YOU"!"
"SEX...and YOU are here!"

無理して産んだ
"I didn't want to"

だからこそ
の
「もし」
so
She started to think about
"IF"...
(coz she needed to)

産みの母
としてなら
君のことも
別の形で愛せたかもしれない
"AS a tummy (without SEX!)"
"I COULD LOVE YOU"
"in a different "WAY"..."

XXさんが君の父
XX is a FATHER

(そう　夫は別)
(yes my Husband is not XX)

それは
お互いにとっての
ある種の癒し
This was some kind of understanding
Healing
For Both

母に充分に愛されていない
母に嫌われることをする(してやる！)、、、どうせ嫌われている　愛されているわけではない
K was thinking
"My mom didn't love me (there is always "NOT ENOUGH"!)
"I DO something naughty! (I WANT! to be naughty!)"...coz K knew MOM didn't love him in a way..."I AM NOT LOVED coz I came here this planet EARTH with "UNWATED SEX" with "A GUY"(K knew it's XX) not mom's HUSBAND!

そういう、、、
生まれる前にはなかった
Something
SCAR in K's SOUL
K didn't have it
before
he was born...

産まれた後に！
彼が自分でつけた傷！
母と息子
After K came to this planet Earth,
K hurt himself, his SOUL

Mother and SON

母には愛されない
(母からしたら　充分に愛しているのに！　もっと要求される　疲れる　無理　無理をしない　愛ではない)
K knows
"MY MOM NEVER LOVES ME ENOUGH"
(and she was thinking..."ah I LOVE K but he never knew" ... K is demanding "ALWAYS MORE!" tiring
NO! I CAN'T DO "MORE"! better not to force me to LOVE K more...THIS IS NOT LOVE)

嫌うわけでもない受容
NOT "NOT LIKING" ... ACCEPTANCE

受容の仕方
最近まで知らなかった
How to accept their "GIVE BIRTH" as MOM and SON
they didn't know till...

いくつになっても
早くも遅くもない
Doesn't matter if We are "grand ma and..." kind of AGE
not too late or JUST FINE

ただ「ココ」だっただけ！
It WAS "TODAY" (we call it "HERE")

ー

君は子供の頃から気づいていた
(大人で気づく人は案外いない)
"You knew it" (xx is your father and my husband is different GUY)
(Other "people" didn't really notice about "IT" UNEXPECTEDLY)
"since you were a child"

ただ
"不可能の
「もし」！の家族"
JUST K didn't really "KNOW"
it's "impossible"!
if WE ARE "REAL FAMILY"! (like his older brother? if HUSBAND (that's what mom call him) is MY DAD...

にいつでもなりたかった！
愛の欠如
HE WANTED TO BE
something impossible
"LACK OF LOVE"

欠乏感
というより
「欠如」(だって「違う」と知っている！)
Suffering
WANT MORE

"LACK"(coz "I KNOW I'm not loved coz...) "WANT"

K knew he is different...

NOT
"REAL FAMILY"

本物の家族
「ではない！！！」
のに。。。(求めても得ることのできない「この4人が本物の家族」！！！！)

"NOT" real
"I"am (that's what K knew)
K wanted "UNREAL FAMILY"
..."4 of US is REAL"...something NEVER COULD HAPPEN!

ー

母の心の声は聴いた
K heard
his MOM's voice of her HEART

ー

結論
君が君だったから
そうなった
"IN CONCLUSION"
(it's just "A POINT")

K is K
coz
You are "YOU"
so I don't love YOU
coz...(why you are SO BAD?)

ー
君のことは嫌い
あんなふうに
セックス
"I don't love you"
"...why you did?(something wrong to HUMAN BEING)"
"...(ah I shouldn't give birth "WITH SEX"(...that's what she couldn't accept "HERSELF"!)

君のことは嫌い
(本当の言葉はここで隠す)
"I don't love you" MOM said
(...and relaxmax hide "TRUE WORD" here... coz THERE IS REASON)

なにか違うことを
「母」は息子に
すでに言った！
MOM said
to her SON
"I don't love you... (and something going on... what relaxmax hide as "word" in "a story")"
Already
they MOM and SON
said and heard...!

ー

それは
彼が「彼として選択して！」そうなったから！
彼の「生き方」！

Because!
it was Her SON's CHOICE
"HIS CHOICE"(he had "CHOICE" and he DID!)

HIS WAY of
"LIFE"
ー
ー
ー

本当のことを言わないで！
(知っている　僕が誰の子か)
"Don't tell me TRUTH"
(I know
I am not "my mom's husband's kid)

ー

本当のこと
隠したくて

K wants to
hide
TRUTH

ー

の理由が
今ならよくわかる

Now K knows himself MORE
(acceptance? No! WAY! okay! I'll tell lies!)

ー

子供の受容
インナーチャイルドを愛すること
ACCEPTANCE of
"their" inner child

TO LOVE
and FORGIVE
to
"TELL THE TRUTH (I am not loving my son)"

ー

本当のこと
隠したくて
嘘をついた
でまかせ並べた

He wants to
HIDE something
True Feeling
LOVE
(coz K knew MOM didn't LOVE him in the END)
so
"I'll always
TELL LIES!"
K always tells
whatever comes "NOT TRUTH"
(coz WANT! LOVE!)

"I want to be LOVED"
"LOVED CHILD? never!"

ー

あの歌詞を思い出す
relaxmax remembered
"THAT RYLIC (she used to listen in her teenage ERA!)"

ー

本当のことへと
動き続けよう
(そして辿り着きたくはない！
だってすでに「知っている」から！
僕はこの家族ではない、、、と！)
K wanted to
MOVE BACK FORWARD!
(...and he never ALIFE?
coz K knew "I AM NOT LOVED coz when I came to this planet EARTH... the WORLD is NOT MINE!" (MOM never LOVED ME! coz she wanted to be "JUSDT A TUMMY!" not MY REAL MY MOM AND...(DAD? fuck!)

K moved somewhere
there is NO TRUTH so...
(but he knew HE NEVER BE! LOVED CHILD! this is what K didn't want to ACCEPT!)

でも
不可能を求めた

「この4人が
本物の家族！」

幻なんかではなく！

BUT!
K
wanted
something "TRUE"
"THIS IS TRUE FAMILY!
4 of US"

not a illusion
at ALL!

ー

母と息子
MOM and SON

ー

くりかえすこともある
repeated FAMILY history
sometimes happens
(who saw "a jacket" "a boy(son?)" "a... boy?(is he your...? No he is not mine)"

KIDS
are
YOURS?
alright?

ー

何度か
その陰を見る
Saw
shadow
of DEATH

ー

そうして
あの
犬を思い出す
then,
relaxmax
remembers
"THAT DOG"(not illusionist anymore! coz K chooses to become "something different"!)

ー

犬になった僕は
もう、、、(ミラージュをみせる、煙幕をみせる、、、ある種の、、、)
K as a Dog
doesn't have to "bark"
anymore
(illusions, YOU SEE? (coz K WANT) NOT TRUE! coz TRUTH is TOO HURTING! MOM doesn't LOVE ME "in the END"!)

彼女には会えなかった
ことを知る
K knows
that
he couldn't MEET "HER" as relaxmax

(永遠にたどり着けない、、、というわけではなかったのに！)
(there is a WAY (coz relaxmax is a time traveller) ... 0 to distance to LOVE...(K knew MOM didn't love him
BUT!)

0を無限に目指すのではないのだから！

「答えがある！正解がある、、、この世界！」

0
is
0

a point? fuck!

THERE IS
AN ANSWER

Answered Prayer
THEY HEARD!

infinity in 0
PERFECT ANSWER
there IS!

ー

犬になった彼を見た
彼女は
relaxmax
ONCE
SAW
a dog in a distance

ちょっと遠くの方にいる犬としての「彼」を見て、、、

A dog (of course relaxmax knows it's HIM! K! as a dog)

「あ！ワンワン！^_^
かわいい、、、
あ！どっか行っちゃった！」
"Wanwan! Doggy there!
so cute! ... ah he's gone..."

ちょっと遠くの方に
犬が見える

relaxmax
CAN
LOVE
K as a distant dog in a universe!
(and K's mom CAN ! CAN love her son as "JUST A TUMMY" but...)

犬からは
、、、もちろん見えている
K as a doggy
SAW
(OF COUSE! that kind of "distance"! they need to HAVE!)

そして
犬は
永遠に！
どこかへ行ってしまう！
then!
A dog (K)
has
Gone
SOMEWHERE

So LONG
in "a"
Universe
(in "a point")

「そういう物語」
"a story"

title:
"...And
Dog has gone
Somewhere...
FOREVER!"

書いているのは
彼女の右手(比喩として！)
written by HER(relaxmax's) right hand as a...

A METAPHER

真夜中すぎ
昼間はだんだん長くなる
昨日は春分！
it's just after
MIDNIGHT

the day is getting longer
(ah relaxmax wrote this line in her old poem in 2005...?)

Yesterday was
Spring Equinox

2024/03/20 1:20 (in Japanese) / 7:53 (in English)