2024/05/10 English

BGM: Manic Street Preachers - 1985

This morning, I went to the library to borrow Charles Bukowski's autobiography "Ham On Rye". And, with Bob Dylan's songs, I started reading this. It reminds me of my childhood and teenage days... as I have been writing in these journals. Probably, I have misunderstood the concept of "teenage innocence", which means that teenagers must be so innocent as Salinger's "The Catcher In The Rye" describes. I guess (remembering MY teen days) it isn't.

How can adult people like me explain/represent "teenage"? When I was a teenager, there had already been a strong/stubborn narrative about the concept of "teenage". Although I have just read the beginning part of that book, I can find that Bukowski tells us that teenagers already have found this world's dirty core with their pure/keen senses. Also, they have to feel that they also struggle with their dirty essences as physical desire, etc. His writing contains a rough but sensitive touch in itself like Steve Albini's sound (I'm recalling Nirvana's "In Utero" in my head... Rest In Peace).

Looking back to my teenage days... basically, the internet was not available in our daily life yet. Therefore, I felt that there was still a strong, massive voice from a certain majority via various mass media such as TV and radio, which expresses a monotonal point of view. At that period, I was already a true maniac, a minor guy therefore had to struggle with miscommunications with others.

On WhatsApp, a friend taught me about an article about Paul Auster. He said he actually feels sad about this, but also tries to stay calm to defend his sensitive mind from that sadness. I can feel how he is feeling, and think that it must be an issue of drawing a certain boundary between the world and me. But, I believe that it must not become any strong "shelter" around me not to be invaded. Because that can deny any possibility of interactive communication.

Yes, I have needed certain connections/guidance (as another friend said to me). Like Morrissey needed Marr, Damon Albarn needed Graham Coxson, and John needed Paul.