2023/06/12 English

BGM: スチャダラパー - ジゴロ7

Next Sunday we're going to have a meeting about autism. It will be an online one on ZOOM. At there, although this is not related with autism, I want to talk about "the things I have learned through learning English until now". Actually I enjoy talking with my friends from Indonesia or America on clubhouse, or I also talk a lot with a reader of my Facebook journal from Russia. Besides them, I declare my opinions in English on Discord, attend an online salon in English, and also go to the English conversation class in my town... Writing these things, I am really impressed because it must be "too much". But these "too much" connection might come from my past traumatic days when I couldn't make any friends enough. Anyway, I thought I wanted to share the fact that I have learned a lot by learning/using English. Now I have many many friends. I am feeling really grateful for the fact that I have learned a lot certainly from them. I want to make practice more.

I am still thinking about Teruhisa Se's book. At first, I had thought that it must be a controversial/suspicious one, but now I accept that as a great work. It gives us an important point of view we shouldn't treat so lightly. I guess that this book never says "You shouldn't learn English anymore", but "It would be stupid if we decided to use English as a common language" and "Look at how important we think things in our mother tongue, Japanese". And I agree with him. But, though understanding this opinion well, I still want to learn English because I can think of the greatness of Japanese through learning/using English. I never agree with the opinion "Japanese is illogical". If so, why Haruki Murakami's works would have the intensity to be read by so many readers all over the world? Though I am not a specialist about these thins, I think that I can try to think steadily a lot of things within the system of those languages. I want to stay serious and dutiful about this.

On LINE, a friend confessed us about "the meaning of life". It seemed that he had lost the meaning therefore was suffered from it... I want to accept this as an important problem. I thought about "MY meaning of life". In the past days, in other words in my 20s and 30s, I had lost what would be the meaning, therefore I had disguised as ""It must be nonsense to live this life. There can't be any reason or meaning" and "Everything is stressful". And I had drunk a lot to dream of death. Now I feel that I can have had the meaning of my life with learning English. The journey of learning must never end. Everyday I can find new things to learn. That's "MY meaning of life". But I couldn't find this by myself alone. Through the relationship with my teacher, and the communication with my friends. I am really grateful for them. It must be an enigma of living.

Of course, you can think about these things I wrote above as "It would be nonsense to learn something from now. It's too late" and "What could it mean to learn since your 40s (it's too late)". Yes, I can see it. But then, I will answer them as "Turing my face from any material successes, I just do the efforts which fit me". Indeed, it might be too late. It would be a really late trial. But I want to live this life to get satisfied enough. So I read philosophical books and learn English to make my life which I have got from the higher one more completely. Of course, this would sound childish, you can think about this as "Life has no worth to live" and "You just have to live your life just with boredom". But... I want to keep on learning. I want to live more actively with learning even if it would end as a waste of time. That's life I guess.