2022/12/19 English

BGM: Fatboy Slim "Because We Can"

This morning I went to the hospital to see my doctor, talked about the job coach, and got some medicines as usual. When I was a university student, I decided to rely on this kind of mental health. I was influenced by Wataru Tsurumi and thought that "medicines would make my life easier" or "Tuning my brain by medicines would let me free". But now, I admit I was wrong. However the medicines help me stronger, I have to keep my will to face my problems on my own initiative, and try to get along with them. Me, my problem is autism, which will be alive as I live this life. Yes, a lifelong issue.

This afternoon I had lunch and watch Twitter. An autistic influencer posted tweets as "autistic people must lead Japan from now" again and again. I guess it would work badly. This is just my opinion, but I have to look at our brains from the concept of "neurodiversity", in other words, "we must have various brains naturally", and accept them. Everyone must get their dignity and just the person who has their troubles might be treated as "autistic" or "handicapped". So if we keep on dividing ourselves as "this person is neurotypical" and "I am autistic", it would empower the gap between them. That division must be nonsense, although you might think this is just a silly opinion.

After taking a nap, I went to Saikouji (a temple) to join the meeting we have once a month. We talked about the topic of gender identity disorder we had the previous month, and I said about my autism as the topic of the same "diversity". I admit that it is important to declare "accept my(or our) autism", but also I have to choose the attitude to accept that swallowing my autism is my own issue. That would work as my insight or reflection and brings me to the higher stage... we got this conclusion. Me, I can't see why I am autistic. But the member would say that it must be fatal. It might be brought by the connection with a higher existence. I guess great literature and philosophy come from there.

This evening I read Yoshio Kataoka's "Living as a Japanese". I was born Japanese, therefore I have learned the Japanese language as breathing air. But Kataoka says that learning is artificial. I have tried almost infinite trials and errors to learn Japanese, and it must make my personality. Learning English should be the same. I guess that Kataoka says I should "re-learn" the Japanese language to face the world appropriately. Accepting other peoples' points of view and opinions, and thinking of the Japanese language to commit outside with my initiative. It could be read as accepting the fate of being born in Japan, and choosing the essence of this country again (for example, pacifist constitution, etc.) Is it just thinking too much?