2022/12/21 English
BGM: Hiroshi Takano "See You Again"
Today was a day off. This morning I went to AEON to read Souseki Natsume's essay "The things I remember". It is about when Souseki, who already had a severe illness, wrote about the time he had to face his death. It suggested that I also have to meet my life and death, so it made me serious. But his style is really calm and he seemed not to have any panic. I thought that Souseki, one of the greatest intellectuals in the Meiji era, had such a great calm so it told me a lot. I also thought that Shinji Aoyama's diary which I read recently seems to have almost the same taste as this essay, but I need to think about this again (my imagination used to work too much).
This afternoon I attended the 'danshu' meeting. I met a newcomer there, and we talked a lot about her. She said she couldn't stay sober. This might sound proud, but I guess she can never imagine herself after stopping drinking alcohol anymore. I also couldn't imagine how my life could be if I stopped drinking alcohol altogether, because for me alcohol was a great "Rosario" or "the meaning of life". I feel that we need something which fills a big hole in my mind instead of alcohol. And also we have to face ourselves who doesn't drink anymore and love too. My experience says that heavy drinking addicted people already hurt themselves terribly. We need to go out of that state.
Ah, I have to think about the "big hole in my mind". I was once a student at Waseda. Certainly, I can see that in a way (yes, in a way) I made a success. But it never brought me any pleasure. After that, I gave up my life and just drank a lot... now I can see. The reason why I can feel the "big hole in my mind" has been filled enough is the fact that I have many friends who treat me tenderly without concern Waseda. I can make my thoughts larger and write them like here by the supports by them. It was a long way but I come here. I accept that happy fact so not I say I never need alcohol more. No more.
This evening I attended the 'danshu' meeting again. It was about 7 years ago I arrived at this meeting at first. I can remember that I certainly doubted if this meeting has any value to being a member. For me, this meeting is like a clam or school. Because of this meeting, I can look at myself clearly and bring up strongly. I trained myself a lot... Ah, people can change themselves. The chief of this meeting said I was exactly changed by this. How the next year would be? All I can say is that I need to complete "just stopping drinking alcohol for a day" step by step, and also I need the will to go into the future bravely. I can stop drinking alcohol today, and that's the happiest fact for me. I can stop alcohol. The alcohol that drank me heavily, and the alcohol I wanted to stop seriously.