2023/04/27 English

BGM: Depeche Mode - I Feel You

"Lolita" by Vladimir Nabokov has a style of the main character Humbert Humbert's monologue. We Japanese have learned the "lolita complex" (or "lolicon") by this novel, and it actually tells us the deep and passionate thoughts of Humbert Humbert to an innocent girl Lolita nakedly, and it also does their strange days about love. It is really awful, but also I can feel some sad and funny, profound truths of humanity. Humbert Humbert is now arrested and confesses himself, and the situation seems like he is a powerless person. Because he is now actually arrested. But the story he tells (writes or confesses) blows us seriously. Then we can say that he is in a way controlling us. This strange and important dealing relationship makes "Lolita" a vivid and marvelous literature. It is beyond a pornography, and I say it tells us about the relationship between a writer and a reader.

Although I wrote this yesterday clearly... I have an opposite obsession of "lolicon", which goes to any mature women. We call it "milf". And it actually can end as "every woman is not your mama so give up" by real women. I know it... but I want to tell a little more. I had been hated by girls since I was a kid. I have never experienced the first love. "Don't stand closer because you have plague!", and also they said to me as "cringe"... so I couldn't breed normal love or real knowledge about female people. I know I have distorted knowledge or image about women. Ah, could I be saved if I wrote it nakedly? But if I did so, if I opened the awful or almost beasty desire on this internet, then I would lose something actually even though I could be saved a little. I am afraid of what I would lose if I see both fairly. I want to save or keep a pride as a pierrot as Ango Sakaguchi says.

But now... what would this confession bring to me? I can't go back to my childhood to live this life again. I don't think it is clever to think this life badly because I could have an ideal childhood. Or I don't want to be soaked into the delusion as a victim. I remember the past. I exactly thought I was a miserable person because I had been bullied, or had to shoulder huge trauma of female people... now I am trying to cure that trauma. I am trying to do an "exorcism" as Natsuhiko Kyogoku's novels or Wittgenstein's philosophy... or it is like a trial of writing by Franz Kafka. He had done it during his life. I have read once that he wrote "I am the end, or am I the beginning". This graffiti of mine is the beginning of something?

Today I worked early. This evening I attended the meeting I always do. We learned about ChatGPT at there. I have used it a little once, but I tried to ask about "Who did God born in this world?" or "How would this world be after 1000 years later?", and I got really "square" answers (of course!) so I lost any interest. So I could learn it again therefore it was a good lesson. We talked about the progress of technology, and about what we will lose with synchronizing that (the importance of personal information, and also the skill of thinking individually). I was really impressed by the deep knowledge of the members, and thought I shouldn't be loose. My time of presentation is coming, so I decided to do about Discord I always use (or I am now deeply "addicted").