#4/26: all shades of peculiar

The train's jingle indicated that it was about to close its doors. Descending the stairs at a rapid pace, I was determined not to be left behind, not this time! I ran, clutching my briefcase to my chest and swerving around those slow people who decide that the best time to look at their phones is when they are walking down stairs. With the jingle almost finished, I arrived at the last step only to be blocked by a girl who literally stopped moving to check her phone. I really wanted to just shove her aside, but Instead I squeezed through the open space to her left, clicked my tongue at her, and darted towards the platform. By miracle of my own maneuvering, and no thanks to the zombies on the stairs, I managed to slip through the doors as soon as they began closing. 

Finally, I was onboard. I took a deep breath and exhaled. I hadn't run like that in long time. What a joke. People at train stations frustrate me to no end, and now they were making me regret not working out. People everywhere these days are so attached to their electronic devices that they can't walk properly. But it's at stations where it is the most dangerous. It really amazes me that they aren't more careful. Especially on this train line, since they haven't installed platform doors yet. Unfortunately, no matter how much I complain, there is not much I can do about slow people. There are times, though, when I can barely keep myself from indulging in my real desires to punish them. After all, they are all breaking some vague rule of not getting in the way of others, right? Either way, I guess my rage wouldn't be justified. Would it?  

Lucky for me, not only had I actually made it on the train, I was even able to find a vacant corner spot in the gap between the adjacent row of seats and the door. This spot is my favorite. I can put my briefcase on the floor and stand with my back leaning against the barrier with both hands free. If I stand in the aisle in front of the seats, I always need to hold my luggage and hang on to an overhead handle with my other free hand, swaying as the train rocks along the rails. And by chance, I always seem to take the train when the less skilled conductors are operating. I've heard that only the best are on board during rush hour. As such, I get jerked around as their inconsistencies in speed cause the train to bump along like an inching caterpillar. Why is it that I am always a victim of the carelessness of others? 

Ironically, the train had stalled as soon as the doors closed. After taking a moment to catch my breath, I removed my paper mask from my face and took out a handkerchief to wipe the sweat that had formed around my brow. Outside the glass door, I could see the girl who had stopped moving to stare at her phone. Her expression, complete with a double chin and a scowl that would make a baby cry, was one of contempt as the train started pulling away. Serves you right! If I had missed this semi-express train, I would have had to wait a whole ten minutes for another and I would have run for nothing. It would have been nice if she had learned her lesson, but judging by that face, I doubt she had. Regardless, I'm glad I didn't give into my violent urge this time. I definitely took the high road. 

The station began passing by as we traveled along the Kanda River with the distant Tokyo Dome and ferris wheel in the distance. Inside the train wasn't especially crowded. It was still nine in the evening, and since it was a Saturday, the hoards of people returning home from a night of drinking were still occupying the bars and pubs of the city. Perhaps if I got along with others, I would not have been on the train at that time either. Regardless, I have better things to do with my time. I don't listen to music, play games, or watch TV. Instead, I enjoy watching things. Trees, flowers, insects, birds, mountains, rivers. These are fun. Taking the Chuo Line in the morning is one of the best parts of my day. The Kanda River may be murky and full of green algae, but seeing the various colors, curves, and angles of the animals that hunt the waters brings me so much pleasure. Obviously this kind of examination becomes difficult at night as the sky is dark and the reflection from inside the train makes it progressively more difficult to see outside clearly. Instead of the river, the reflections of those sitting in the row opposite me usually appear more vivid.

Over time, I have fallen into the habit of watching others in this way. Watching nature or the distant buildings is perhaps more therapeutic, but my nighttime observations of the human species is fascinating. I don't want this to come off the wrong way; I have my standards and I follow the rules set by society, but if you had seen what I have while straddling this line of acceptable behavior, you would certainly agree with me. We all do strange things when we think others aren't looking. Given that we are in public, it should be common knowledge that we are constantly being watched. As such, I have come to feel no guilt in this activity. Well, almost. Getting caught can lead to disastrous consequences. 

Besides that, examining the human figure is quite a thrilling activity. Can you draw a person? Maybe? Can you imagine a human body, a human body of someone you have no connection with? Probably not. Why? Because the biases we gain through our interpersonal relationships warp our ideas of what the human body truly looks like. Our investigations of the truth of humanity is prevented from being truly carried out. Taking advantage of the train's interior reflection, I can examine these people and their various shapes, actions, and expressions. People, Society, Humans: they are all so fragile. Some secrets are meant to be kept, but this essence of what it means to be human, is that not one of the greatest questions of the world? It is impossible for me to leave my investigations and intrigue to that of those at my office or the zombies on the train platform. This is not to say I don't support order. Like I said before, staring directly is out of the question. No one likes to know they are being examined, and I wouldn't want to cause anyone discomfort. Especially not in the way they constantly to me.

This evening, my activity progressed nicely. As my eyes ran over the profiles of several people, I felt as if I was sketching their images onto an invisible notepad, one that only I have access to. Their head shapes, some ovals, some squares; hair styles, or lack of; facial expressions, tired, content, bitchy, asleep: every one of them unique and personal. Some noses are flat and wide, some small and narrow. The shape, color, and thickness of mouths and lips change considerably person to person. Some are shut firmly closed, while some are left ajar as sleep overcomes them. Beautiful, ugly, funny. People come in all shades of peculiar. 

Eyes, though. These are the most frightening. In the reflection of the train's window glass, I can safely inspect the bodies of other passengers without fear, but once I get a glimpse of their eyes, I'm finished. For some reason, however, this evening, I couldn't stop myself. The woman was beautiful, sitting in her seat with such a delicately strait posture, as if she were a ballerina poised for her dance to begin. He hair was black, straight, and thick, presumably covering a pair of adorable, tiny ears. Her lips full and plump, nose small but prominent. She wore a thin white lace cardigan with a dark green sweater that sat low enough to reveal her long neck and collar bones. Her thin, porcelain fingers rested on the black leather bag she had placed in her lap. A clear beige polish gave them a slight, but in no way gaudy, shine. My gaze moved back up her frame again as I followed the folds of her coat up her arm and back to her neck. I probably shouldn't have loitered so long, but she was stunning. I wondered if I had maintained my gaze for just a little longer, maybe I would be able to catch a glimpse of those ears! I truly was just about to move onto the next person, honestly, but then our eyes met. A shock wave ran through me. I had been caught. How do I explain this? My face turned various shades of pink, but her gaze didn't alter. This, especially, had never happened before. Had I found someone with the same twisted hobby? Unfortunately, the more I stared, the more I realized her eyes had been moistened with tears. What a sad girl, I thought.

Nothing eventful happened for ten minutes or so. She looked sad, but I couldn't find any indication as to why. We kept eye contact until the train pulled up to my station. Noticing that my gaze had shifted, she shifted her own to her lap. I hesitated, annoyed that our connection had been interrupted and that I would miss learning anything more about this sad girl. I hopped off the train regardless. Unexpectedly, she came running out the train behind me just in time. She grabbed my hand. "Thank you," she said in  hushed voice. I replied awkwardly with a simple "okay". There was nothing else we could say from there. We stood in silence for about a minute until I decided I would try asking her out. She smiled, but shook her head "no". Still, I slipped her my email. Perhaps I had done something, for her eyes seemed to have cleared up and that small smile remained plastered on her face. Anymore attempt at a conversation at that point would have just been a waste of time, so I bid her farewell. She was beautiful, but I can't be held to other people's lack of social awareness, no matter how mysterious or enchanting they might be. Anyways, email is more efficient. She didn't, however, tell me hers. Perhaps, I thought, that's for the best.  

She stayed on the platform, waiting for another train, as I walked towards the ticket gate. Even though it was Saturday night, I was in a rush. Thanks to a few minor events at work my daily routine was already in ruins, but I tried my best to reorganize everything. I began clearing my head. "Her sad eyes, plastered smile. No. I mean, eggs, rice, chicken, what else..."

"The next express train will not stop at this station. Please stay behind the yellow line." The announcer's voice softly echoed in my mind. 

"What else...?"

As I tapped my IC card, trying to remember what I was missing from my grocery list, I stopped for a moment. I don't know why I stopped, but it was an idiot move. I held up two other people who had been walking behind me. Pulling myself together, I apologized and headed in the direction of the supermarket. As I did, the express train ran overhead. It halted suddenly, causing the station to shake.

"We regret to inform you that the super express train will be delayed due to human accident. Please refrain from approaching the platform."