The Identity of 'N'

Straying from the path, I walk around the amusement park. The main gate is definitely in the opposite direction, so maybe the station is on the opposite side too. Walking against the strong January wind, I contemplate whether to go home or attend the coming-of-age ceremony. As I walk, I think about what to tell my mother after returning. At least the fact that I went out has been established.

Everything in front of me is everything. It is the "message in everything my eyes capture." The current scene represents everything about 'N.' Wandering vaguely in the amusement park's parking lot, even with 'N's clouded eyes and dulled mind, one can understand this much.

Now, what I see in front of me is the figure of "him" riding in a car, causing a commotion. Who is "he" again? I pretend not to remember clearly, but deep down, I know 'him' well. That face, that voice. I remember his name. Seeing "him" appear with friends, the ceremony must be over by now. He glanced at me, shouted something, maybe the same line he shouted that day when he turned around. I felt a slight thrill. I tried to ignore it as if not to be noticed.

I first recognized him during elementary school summer vacation. It was the day of the first-grade summer swimming class. Reluctantly going along, despite my mother not accepting my refusal. Despite being summer, the wet body felt cold from the wind blowing from the gas station next to the school's pool. Watching "his" swimming, it was unclear what we were doing on such a boring, cold summer day. The teachers, perhaps lazy or something, called "him" without even changing into a swimsuit and had him swim as a demonstration. Skilled in swimming, "he" entered the water with a blank face, momentarily showing a slight expression as if the water was cold. Then, he smoothly dived into the water, swam to the other side, and emerged. That day was supposed to be the usual boring and cold summer swimming class, but it was a bit different. There was no demonstration of "him" swimming.

Until just now, we were together up to the intersection near the school. Somehow, it felt dangerous! and exciting! I followed my honest feelings and left from there. "He" collided with a huge dump truck. "He" seemed very irritated, shouting at our group, but no one turned to look at him. We had asked everyone to ignore "him." Irritated, "he" walked toward us, shouting something, maybe the same words he shouted that day when he turned around. I ignored him to avoid being discovered.

After that day (we walked straight to the sushi restaurant and crossed the signal at the school gate, which was the rule), we were all set to welcome "him." The moment we greeted him with "Finally, you came!" and "his" surprised face is unforgettable. After all, he came to pick us up, but ended up being welcomed. Everything went well, exactly as planned. Every preparation for this plan went smoothly, making my heart leap. Emotions swirled.

Since then, everything around me has become trouble-free. No scolding without doing anything, no mention of school grades, and no worries from teachers. The distinction between school days and non-school days disappeared. The teachers who used to be concerned stopped coming, and I spent a lot of time at home. Buffeted by the January wind, I, with a small body, unkempt hair, and minimal facial hair, venture outside after a long time. Wondering if my old blazer would still fit, it fits perfectly. I just need to go out; the established fact is already there. Suddenly, I remembered, on that day and today, "he" was shouting at me, saying, 'Come over here!'

The end.