（英訳付エッセイ6）赤いセーターとチョコレート

赤いセーターとチョコレート

　3月のある朝のこと。

　夫が眉間に皺を寄せてスマホ画面をじっとにらんでいた。どうしたのか尋ねると「カオちんから無言電話が入ってたんや」と。

　カオちんというのは、夫の叔母のカオルさんのことである。夫の母の妹。義母は八人姉妹の一番上。カオちんは一番下。夫が子供の頃、家（カオちんにとっては姉の家）に下宿していて、高卒後、その家からお勤めに出て、そしてその家から嫁いでいった人。夫にとっては、叔母というより姉のような存在だ。

「カオちんが机の引き出しに隠してたチョコレート、こっそり全部食べてやった！」とか、「カオちんの鞄にカエルのおもちゃ入れといてやった！」といったような、夫の悪ガキ時代の武勇伝の主な被害者である。「寝てる間にこっそりおっぱい触ったった」こともあるらしい。エロガキによると、「起きよらへんかった」らしい。

　夫とカオちんは、「戦友」でもある。すでに故人である夫のお父さんは、大変怖い人だったらしく、夫たち兄弟は、お父さんにはずいぶん痛い目に合わされてきたらしい。同居していたカオちんもそこに含まれるのだ

　お酒を飲んで帰ってくる気配がすると、お母さんの「あんたら、はよ隠れ！」の号令が飛ぶのだそうだ。男三兄弟は、殴られることもしょっちゅうだったらしい。カオちんは女の子だし、お父さんとは血のつながりもないから、殴られることまではなかったらしいが、厳しさは同じ。みんなで並んで正座させられて、長時間説教されることはしょっちゅうだったらしい。夫とカオちんは、そんなサバイバル子供時代をともに過ごした戦友なのだ。

「掛け直したら？」と提案したが、「あの性格や。用事やったら掛け直してくるはず。無いってことは、大した用やないんやろ。それに、前にカオちんからの着信にかけ直したら、旦那のやっさんが出たこともあったし…」と夫。話出したら止まらないカオちんとの会話が長くなるのもちょっと……と思ったのか、彼は仕事の準備を始めた。

　カオちんの話題が出て、私はふと思い出した。
「そうだ。そろそろ今シーズンの着納めにしようっと」と、クローゼットからお気に入りの真っ赤のセーターを出してきた。赤は一番好きな色。赤にもいろいろあるが、私は真紅のバラの色が好き。そのセーターはまさに真紅。しかも上質そうで、着心地も抜群だ。

　もともと夫のものだが、自分には小さいからと私に譲ってくれたのだ。もらい受けた時、新品と見紛うキレイさに、「え？コレどうしたん？」と尋ねると、「中学生の時にカオちんがくれたんやけど、ほとんど着てないんや」と、夫はこんな思い出話をしてくれた。

　当時、高卒後就職したカオちんは、初任給がでた時、「アキラ、何か買ったるわ」と買い物に連れて行ってくれたらしい。その当時、若者に流行していたBe〇〇tonというお店で、カオちんは中坊の夫にその赤いセーターを買ってくれたらしい。超カッコイイそのセーターを意気揚々と着込んで帰宅したアキラ少年だったが、その高揚した気持ちは、一気にどん底へ突き落とされたのだった。

「中学生の男がそんなちゃらちゃら赤いセーター着て、お前はバカか！」
と、お父さんから殴られたらしい。そしてカオちんも、
「オマエも、何考えてこんなもんをこいつに買ったんだ！？」
とひどく叱られたらしい。

ということで、夫の赤いセーターは、私が袖を通すまでの15年もの間、箪笥の奥で眠り続けることとなったわけだ。

　実は、夫は高校生の時、お父さんからの暴力と暴言に耐えかねて家出している。赤いセーターとも当然完全おさらばである。それ以来、ほぼほぼ彼は一人で生きてきた。夫が実家に戻っていわゆる「和解」に近い「雪解け」が起こったのは、私と出会う直前のことだったらしい。（つまり、「雪解け」したから私と出会ったわけ。セーターとの再会も）

　あの3月の無言電話から1か月が過ぎた4月のある日、夫は、今度は母親から電話をうけた。それは、カオちんが亡くなった……という知らせだった。

「癌やったんやて。随分長く闘病してたらしい。誰にも、私にすら言わんと、逝ってしもうた。お葬式も家族だけで済ませたって。それが遺言やったんやて。まあ、あの子らしいわ」

　訃報を聞いた翌日は、天気の良い夏日だった。夫と私は共に仕事を休んで、カオちんの家へ向かっていた。平日の朝から夫とドライブ遠出をするなんて本当に久しぶりだ。そんな理由で無ければもっと良かったのだけれど。

「葬式は済んでるし、行ったところで、やっさん（カオちんの夫）もミカやタダシ（カオちんの子供、つまり夫の従兄弟）も留守かもしれん。そやけどな。あの時、何で電話してきたんか、知りたいんや。三秒ぐらい無言で、ほいで切れたんや」
　夫は、運転しながら何度も呟くようにそういった。
　気持ちは解るが、私は複雑だった。もしカオルさんが、何か彼に伝えたくて電話してきて、彼が出なかったことで話すことを諦めていたのなら、彼は後悔してもしきれないだろう。だけどこのまま真相を知らずにいるのも、確かにもどかしい。ずっと「あの時は一体……」と思い続けることになる。

　途中、お供えするお花とお菓子を買おうと、朝から開店している大型スーパーを見つけて立ち寄った。仏花と水ようかんの詰め合わせを買って、支払いを済ませたのに、夫は陳列棚をぐんぐん進んでいくと、お菓子売り場で立ち止まった。車の運転にはキャンディが欠かせない夫。慌てて出てきたからキャンディを忘れたのだろう……と思ったが、「あ、あった」と、夫が手に取ったのは、ガーナチョコレートの赤い箱だった。
「え、こんな暑い日にチョコは溶けちゃうんじゃない？」
と思わず言うと、夫は言った。
「俺が食うんやない」
そう言って、夫は、紙袋に入った水ようかんの包みの横に、赤い箱を滑らせた。

「よう来てくれたな」
　仏壇に手を合わせたあと、ちょっと寂し気な笑顔でやっさんは礼を言ってくれた。
「手術したらもうちょっとは長生きできたかもしれんけど、人口膀胱つけるなんてごめんやわ……って、そう言うて聞きよらんかったんや」
　それもまた、カオルさんらしい。だから、本人も家族も覚悟はできていて、まあ心の準備はできてたんやと。ただ、ほかに何か道はなかったのかと心の奥で悔やまれる。しかし本人の意志だ。

　夫は、仏壇に真っ赤なパッケージのガーナチョコレートを置いて、随分長いこと手を合わせていた。
「これ、子供の頃、いつもカオちんとこっそり布団の中で分けて食べてたんや。親父に見つからんようにな。懐かしいわ」
「え、分けて？ホントは居ない間に全部食べてやったって言ってたじゃん」
　私が指摘すると、その場は大笑いになった。

　しばらく思い出話をあれこれしてから、夫はようやく切り出した。
「3月の下旬に、カオちんから電話があったんや。3秒ほど無言で、切れたんや。もしかして、カオちん、何か言いたくて電話してきたんかなって思って……」
「え、いつ？」
やっさんが聞いた。
「3月25日の夜」
やっさんは、しばらくカウンターのカレンダーを見て考えていたが、突然「あっ……」と振り返った。
「それ……、わしや」
「は？」
「わしが間違えてかけたんや。カオルの携帯のアドレスに入ってる番号にかけよう思って、間違えてお前に掛けてしもた。すまんかったの」

　夫は口をあけたまま、仏壇の方へと目をやった。ガーナチョコレートの赤が仏壇で異様に目立っていた。
「やっぱ、そうか……。やっさん、前もおんなじことやったよな」
　そう言って二人はまた大笑いした。

　ガーナチョコレートのパッケージと私のセーターは同じ色。もしかして、カオちんは夫の初恋の人かもしれないな……と、その時私は思った。

(英訳）Red Sweater and the chocolate

It was late in March.  I came down to the kitchen to find my husband staring intently into his phone.

"Hey, what's up, Akira?"
"It looks like I got a call from Kao last night while I was asleep. I didn't realize it."
"Oh, what about?"
"Well, no message. All I could hear was three seconds of some breathings."

Kao is his aunt, Kaoru, the youngest sister of Akira's mother, who is the oldest of the eight sisters. (Eight!)  I guess Kao's parents, which is Akira's Mom's parents, must have had some financial issues back then. When Akira was a young boy, Kao, just in high school then, joined to live with his family.  Even after she graduated from high school and started working, she continued living with them until at last she got married and left.  As Akira and Kao, close in age, are growing partially together in the same house, she was more like a sister to him rather than his aunt.

Akira's childhood episodes include Kao a lot.  He was such a bad kid.  He ate up all the chocolate Kao had carefully hidden deep inside her desk drawer.  Often he would secretly put ugly-looking rubber frogs and insects inside her school bag.  He even confessed touching her boobs while she was asleep.

Akira and Kao were, in a way, "War buddies."  I hate to write about a deceased in such a way, but this has a root in the fact that Akira's late father often became quite abusive when he was drunk.  Akira and his brothers (he had two) were always so scared of their Dad.  But mostly, his target was Akira, sadly just because he at that time happened to fall into the age group that required reform.  His older brother was a grown-up, taller than Dad, and the younger one was just way too little still in grade school.  Whenever Mom sensed Dad coming in drunk in the evenings, she would hiss harshly to the boys to go hide in their rooms.  When that failed, it was always Akira who got beaten quite often for no apparent reasons.  Kao, a girl and not actually related to Dad, didn't get beaten physically but verbally and thus psychologically as well.  They were often forced to sit still on the floor side by side for a long time while they 'had to be preached for their sake.'  Akira and Kao were thus war buddies who survived the hell together.

"Why don't you just call her back?" 
Though I suggested, he just shook his head and said,
"If it was something important, she'd call back.  Apparently, she hasn't.  So, I guess it must've been something silly, you know, as usual." 
Kao was always talkative, and he just wanted to avoid that in the busy morning hours. So I supposed.

Speaking of Kao, something had come to my mind at that moment. I went upstairs to my closet and pulled out my favorite red sweater.  I thought it was good weather that day to wear it for one last time in the season.  And then, I could get it dry-cleaned for the next winter.

Red is my favorite color.  Among the so many different shades of red, I prefer the deep crimson as of red roses.  The sweater is in that distinctively deep crimson that I like.  It looked brand-new when Akira handed it to me, saying, 'This is too small for me.  You can have it if you like.'  I asked where it came from, and he told me that it was a gift from Kao.  And he told me this story of what had happened when he got it.

After graduating from high school, Kao got a job as a bank teller at a local bank.  When she received her very first salary, she offered Akira to buy a present with the money.  They went downtown together for shopping, and she picked out the red sweater for him at this foreign apparel shop that was very popular among young people back then.  Cool sweater!  Akira was so delighted and proudly wore it home, failing to predict what it could cause.  How devastated he must have felt.  Whenever I wear the sweater the story comes back to my mind and It still breaks my heart.

Of course, his Dad got red hot angry seeing the sweater.  He slapped him.

"What on earth are you thinking? A young man in school wearing such a flashy red thing?"

Kao was badly scolded as well.

"Are you out of your mind to spend your precious earnings on something stupid like that?"

Thus, there gone the red sweater for good deep inside a tansu drawer for more than fifteen years until it landed onto my hands.

Akira ended up running away from home when he was in high school after Kao left. He could not bear living with Dad.  So, he never saw or touched the sweater again until he finally came back home to live with his parents years later on forgiveness, redemption, and understanding on both sides.  Because he regained his heart to forgive, he thus met me (and the sweater), so I believe.

Almost a month had passed since the night in March when he received the silent call from Kao.  This time he received a call from his mother.  It was a call to notify that Kao had passed.

'She had had cancer for years.  But, she told no one.  Didn't even tell me.  I never knew.  Just found out today.  She died so quietly.  The funeral was already done only with Yasu and the kids.  That was her will.  Oh..., it's really like her, isn't it?'

The day after the sad news was a hot summerly day, unlike April.  Both Akira and I decided to take a day off and drove down to Kao's.  It was going to be a few-hour drive.  It had been a while for us to ride out together.  It was a beautiful day, and it felt as if it were a drive date.  We just wished it had been for other reasons.

'You know? The phone call in March. I just have to find out if there was a reason for her to call me.  If she wanted to say something to me or..., I don't know.  I'm just dying to know.  I mean, that three seconds of silence..., and she hung up without a word!' 
Akira repeated so on the way.  It was understandable how he felt, but on the other hand, I felt very much worried.  Suppose she had called, and as he didn't answer, she gave up the urge to talk to him. Wouldn't that be something way too regretful for him?  He has to live with it.

We found a grocery store that was open early and stopped there to buy some flowers and sweets to offer to her altar.  As I was paying at the cashier, he started to walk down the aisle for candies and chocolates.  He needs candy when he drives.  So I was expecting him to pick out a bag of candy, but what he picked was a package of Gahna Chocolate, the red one. 

"It's quite hot today. It'll melt, honey."
I said.
"It's not that I'm eating it!"
He answered harshly and slid the red package into the paper bag for the box of sweets I bought.

"Thank you for coming all the way, you guys."
Yasu, Kao's husband, greeted us. 
"She could have lived longer if she had gotten a surgery. But, she refused. She just refused to live with a pouch for the rest of her life."
We agreed it was something Kao would be determined to do.  We all just wished that there had been other ways for her to survive.

Placing the red package of Ghana Chocolate next to the flowers on the altar, Akira said, 'Kao and I used to share this Ghana Chocolate. We hid from Dad and ate it in the cover when we were kids.'

"Oh, come on! You stole her chocolate when she was not there and ate it all yourself. We know that!"

We all laughed and shared many of the good memories of Kao.  Finally, hesitantly Akira brought up the question he was holding.  He told Yasu of the silent call.

"I got a call from her cell about a month ago.  She left no message.  Just three seconds of silence, and she hung up.  I am wondering if there was something she wanted to say to me.  If I've missed the last chance to talk to her, I don't know if I can forgive myself."

Yasu, listening to him intently, frowned with concern.
"Oh wow, really? When was this?"
"March 25th, midnight."

Yasu stood up and flipped the calendar on the counter.  And suddenly, he gasped and turned around.

"Oh...! Oh my gosh! Ah... that was me.  I wanted to call someone listed on Kao's phone and accidentally tapped your number.  I'm...I'm sorry."

Akira's jaw dropped.  He was speechless for a second, and then we all burst into laughter together.

I glanced at him glancing at the altar, where the red package of Gahna Chocolate was resting against the flower base.  The red was the same red as my, originally his, sweater.  It was then it occurred to me.  Maybe, just maybe, Kao had been his first love.