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お題はcan individual privacy be protected in the modern world?

It cannot be said that individual privacy can be protected in the modern world. I feel this way for three reasons, which I will explore in the following essay.

Generally speaking, modern society has witnessed rapidly progressing globalization. In today's globalized world, it is very easy for some companies such as big international firms to obtain a wide variety of information even private. I would have to say that it is difficult to be protected personal information in this situation.

The advancement of social networking services is also a serious problem for our information security. It is an obvious fact that social media are indispensable for our daily life. The use of social networking services will lead to update our everyday life, for example, what we ate, how long we studied, and how many children we have, voluntarily. It is, therefore, almost impossible to secure personal data.

Finally, as a result of the wide spreading of social media, these multiple influences have significant changes for our consciousness. According to a lot of researches, almost all people use some social media on PC or smartphone, especially teens. Once this situation becomes normal, personal data such as name, birthday, even credit card number will be disseminated and never will be back in the previous condition.

In conclusion, although it might be true that personal privacy can be protected, the Advancement of globalization, the expansion of social media, and the changes in our awareness make it clear that individual privacy cannot be protected in today's world.

すると、、

Content: 5
Composition: 4
Vocabulary: 5
Grammar: 6

Your essay presents a clear perspective on the challenges to individual privacy in the modern world. However, the composition could benefit from a more structured organization, and there are areas where you can enhance the depth of your argument. Vocabulary usage is generally appropriate, though some phrases could be refined for clarity. Grammar is solid but watch out for sentence structure to avoid occasional awkwardness.

厳しい評価となりました、、なのでもっと洗練されたエッセイに書き直しを依頼してみると、、

Certainly, let's refine your essay with a more sophisticated approach:

Privacy, once considered sacrosanct, finds itself imperiled amidst the sweeping currents of globalization in the contemporary era. This vulnerability is underscored by the facile acquisition of private information by colossal multinational entities, emblematic of the inexorable global integration. Protection of personal information becomes an intricate challenge in such an interconnected world.

The advent of social networking services compounds the predicament, as our reliance on these platforms for daily interactions becomes inextricable. Unwittingly, we voluntarily divulge intricate details of our lives—culinary choices, study durations, familial compositions—rendering the safeguarding of personal data an almost quixotic endeavor.

Concomitantly, the omnipresence of social media induces a paradigm shift in our collective consciousness. Particularly pervasive among the younger demographic, research attests to the ubiquitous use of social platforms on both computers and smartphones. This normalization precipitates the dissemination of personal data, including but not limited to names, birthdates, and even credit card information, with scant hope of restoration to prior anonymity.

In summation, while the assertion that personal privacy can endure remains plausible, the relentless march of globalization, the ubiquity of social media, and the transformative impact on our collective awareness collectively affirm the insurmountable challenges in safeguarding individual privacy within the labyrinth of today's interconnected world.

OMG！
わずか数秒でこの文章、ChatGPT恐るべしです！
洗練され過ぎて最早参考になりません、、