英検１級ライティング Day7

いつも見て頂きありがとうございます。今日のテーマはビジネスです。
5分で立場と主張を決めて１つ目と２つ目で15分、残りの３つ目と結論で5分、という自分なりの時間配分を感じつつあります。

TOPIC Should the number of weekly working hours be decreased?

オリジナル

For over one hundred years, workers have been working eight hours, five days per week. However, we are heading to new working style with short, intensive one. This stance is supported by three key factors: Pursuing effectiveness, keeping private time, and improving mental health.

First, decreasing working hours needs more effective and wiser time management skills for each employee, section, and entire company. Pursuing effectiveness is important for company to develop. Working time inertia means the idleness of the company.

Second, keeping private time is essential in society nowadays. People try to learn new things in their private time. Many adults do the home choir after their working time. The chauvinism, which forced women to stay home  and raise their children, is now outdated and many people have to do their own job after their work. Long time working is not accepted by many working population.

Finally, long working time wanes worker’s mental health. As internet technology develops, people have to do more tasks and tend to have much stress than before. They need more relaxing time to get recovered from daily work.

In conclusion, I believe that the number of weekly working hours should be decreased in terms of pursuing effectiveness, keeping private time, and improving mental health.

採点結果: 24/32

• Content (内容): 6/8
  内容はしっかりしており、主張も明確ですが、一部のアイデアが浅くなっています。例えば、「効果性の追求」と「プライベートタイムの確保」の関連性をもう少し深掘りできると良いでしょう。

• Organization (構成): 6/8
  論点の流れはスムーズですが、各段落のつながりが少し弱く、改善の余地があります。より明確なトランジションがあると、議論の流れが一層良くなります。

• Vocabulary (語彙): 6/8
  語彙は全体的に適切ですが、いくつかの表現が単純で、より洗練された語彙を使うことでさらに向上させることができます。

• Grammar and Syntax (文法と構文): 6/8
  文法的な間違いはほとんどありませんが、いくつかの文はより自然に表現することが可能です。また、一部の文は冗長であり、簡潔にすることで効果的になります。

リライト例 (240ワード以内)

The longstanding tradition of working eight hours a day, five days a week, is increasingly being questioned as society shifts towards shorter, more intensive work periods. I argue that reducing weekly working hours is beneficial for three primary reasons: enhancing efficiency, preserving personal time, and promoting mental well-being.

First, a reduction in working hours necessitates a focus on efficiency. Companies must optimize time management, ensuring that each hour spent at work is productive. This drive for effectiveness is crucial for business growth, as it eliminates complacency and promotes innovation.

Second, the importance of personal time cannot be overstated in today’s society. Employees are not only workers; they are also learners, caregivers, and individuals with diverse responsibilities. The outdated notion that personal life should be sacrificed for work is no longer acceptable. A shorter workweek would allow people to pursue personal development and fulfill their household duties without overwhelming stress.

Finally, the mental health benefits of reduced working hours are significant. With the rise of technology, workers face increasing demands and heightened stress levels. More time for relaxation and recovery is essential to maintaining mental health, which in turn boosts overall productivity and job satisfaction.

In conclusion, decreasing weekly working hours is a necessary step toward a more efficient, balanced, and mentally healthy workforce.