Not You But Myself Making My Day

    Throw back to the day when my senpai and I were chitchatting nonsense. He suddenly went on saying "Oh you should date a guy like me - a super positive and extroverted athletic guy, who has a sister at home and knows how to handle women very well". At the time, I remember being a bit irritated, thinking "Bro is he looking down on me just cause I'm a junior? Or is he quite serious, like yeah if my weakness with insecurities would encourage my anti-social behaviors… at some point I need to get some support from others".
But then, I asked in my mind, "Wait, but why does it have to be a relationship? How will dating change my bad habits? Why do people think that romance could heal all wounds? I have always been dead inside, in what sense would you consider that this heterosexual relationship could polish my heart of gold?"

    Humans are born alone in most cases, right? I opened Twitter and surfed for the quote that's been running through my head. There we go again, I can't find it. You know that I'm not a good surfer on social media. I should have retweeted. Well, anyway it was about humans coming out from their mums' bodies mostly ALONE. Therefore, humans are supposed to live ALONE and end ALONE. Though we never live alone. This world of chaos, filled with imperialism, capitalism, socialism, communism, misogyny, patriarchy, and conformity forces us to not be ALONE. We're not how we're meant to be, that is how we became weaker. Though the pains we have lived with turned into ashes, the endurance we gained in our mothers' wombs has broken into pieces. We keep on painting and concealing our bullet holes with momentary relationships of humans to be blinded. When the spell is broken, we feel the pain and break into pieces. As well as the endurance we've lost, we turn ourselves into some stained - ripped - limp rubbish. But in the end, rise like nothing happened and talk ill or beautify the past.

    It's so funny how I'm weak and you're weak. Especially at midnight, we try not to notice that we're at least one of the luckiest humans. Some cry at midnight, just like me. This sudden pessimistic view of the future and human motivation aches me and surrounds me with insecurities and my recent not-so-good memories. My happy memories fade away like they never existed, not letting me know that they're temporarily hiding because they're damn too tired to fight against the evil.

    I know and you know that our lives are what some people dreamed about. Yet, we pretend that they're not. This life is a mess. One day, I would like to live as Paris Hilton so I don't need to worry about my own future, human relations, family issues, and ongoing global politics. Nothing really, but quarrel with paparazzi and scam texters (aka love letter writers wanting money). Then I'll transform into Cinderella, do the housework and gardening all day with my lovely little mates, and dance all night alone in the cottage in my mother's best dress. The fairy godmother will eventually come and pick me up so I can go to the ball, where I can finally meet my destined soul mate. In the end, I will have some time for myself and my loved ones in a quiet tidy country cottage, live without anxieties or my evil spirits but think of the clean river water and my horses.

    Sometimes when people smile at me and say that I'm tough - extroverted - bubbly - friendly - honest - funny - intelligent - down-to-earth - cheerful - weird - mentally strong, I feel honoured. At the same time, the feeling of being out of place comes right into my mind. Screaming in my heart that NO ONE WOULD EVER UNDERSTAND ME, I HAVE TO SURVIVE ALONE, SOLVE ON MY OWN, NEVER LET MY GUARDS DOWN, AND NEVER LET OTHERS KNOW MY DARKEST FEARS. Of course, I don't like myself. Not really, I LOVE MYSELF TO THE CORE! It's just that teeny-tiny bits of me that I don't respect can drag me down. But I never show it. I won't let my haters or jealous weirdos take my weakest parts.

    I wear a rainbow gown with sparks of positivity. This is how I protect myself. Sadly it seems like it's not working. This is a total disaster. Others truly believe that I am this bright optimistic freak who never tears up, blames herself til she tries to end herself, never goes through any issues and only lives a good life. When will my life of confusion, the hand-to-hand culture of human bonding begin? I am all alone, just faking because I want to be strong.

    This is why I started smiling. Hoping that one day, this fortune that I've long been dreaming of would find me. And I began throwing positive energy, thoughts, ideas, and words to my people so they would reincarnate in my heart.

    When will I bump into a corner and find a fortune? I believe in idioms, they kind of make sense. I keep making idioms as well. A gift of pleasant words and luck. Because I want to make my people happy. Wishing that they safely land at my place in the end.