step mother ~living with a child~

I am very deeply experiencing the Journey with "Juna".
Juna is the 9 year old daughter of my partner Simon.
She is staying 50:50 between her mother and him.

I am now 37 years old. I have been told that it would be difficult to conceive because my body iron levels are extremely low and I have a benign tumor on my ovary.
However, I have been on a strange journey for several years now, receiving messages about "will have a baby" from everywhere.

...It was a very very crazy way to receive messages...

One day, first thing in the morning, a friend of mine who I hadn't seen in a while at the Mullumbimby market told me, "I was meditating this morning and received a message that 'Aki is going to get pregnant with Sydney men!'",
The next day, during a healing session, the healy (recipient) told me that he received a message that "Aki is going to get pregnant!",
The next day, my ex-boyfriend contacted me for the first time in a long time and said, "I got a message that 'Aki' is going to get pregnant!"

In one healing session, the memory of my past life, "I became a mother but abandoned the child" came back to me,
The fact that Healy from that healing session was my child in a past life came up.
I found myself sobbing and apologizing to him.

At one point, I connected with my grandfather's sister when she past way. She is a survivor of the atomic bombing.
She was unable to have children because of the atomic bombing,
I learned that she was feeling "unworthy as a woman," "unable to procreate," and "invisible pressure from her family". I was healing her pain through my self healing journey...

The examples are too numerous to mention, but I have received messages in this way and then repeated the self-healing process.
These messages in the midst of not having a clear answer as to whether or not I want children myself, I had no idea what they meant, and they brought me only hope and anxiety, which of course had a big impact to my relationships.

・・・・・

Living in the community, I naturally had more contact with children, For some reason, the children liked me more and more, and my friends asked me to babysit for them more often.
I saw many different styles of parenting.
I saw many fathers and mothers.
I saw how children are born with their own material and how they change with the influences of their surroundings as they grow up.

・・・・・

My relationship with Juna began two years ago during my stay in Germany.
I started dating Simon and began to share a little time with her.
In the beginning there was a lot of "don't take my dad!" was seen in many of her feelings, and yet she also showed interest in me.
I could also see her English language skills growing significantly as she communicated with me, and even she was beginning to develop an interest in learning Japanese.

When I traveled with Simon in Central America, we spent 4 days in the same room at a guesthouse, including Juna and her mother, followed by a 2-week trip to Costa Rica/Nicaragua by myself, Simon, and Juna.

This trip brought us closer together and we became "friends" who shared a common love for Simon.
It was strangely close to the feeling of polyamory, and the three of us began to build a good relationship

・・・・・

Then, for the second time, I stayed in Germany.
I felt her attitude toward me was changing more and more from "friend" to "lover".
And sometimes she wanted to call me "Mom.

The other day, she seemed to think in her own way that I would return to Japan from Germany and she wondered if I could somehow live in Germany. She started to say, "would you like to have baby with Papa(father)?? I want to take care of Papa and Aki's child!"
And she brought me picture books every day and started to teach me German. (She puts an animal sticker on it after every chapter)

・・・・・


Although I had my boyfriend for last 7 years since my divorce, my feelings are that I am living as an "independent/single".  and now taking care of someone else's child as family.

I have a worldwide and dynamic life that I could only experience as a single.

Instead, I was outside of the process of building a "family" in a sense.
So I have time to hone my skills, knowledge and experience.
And many women tell me they envy me for that.
(We all tend to see the colorful side of life that we don't have...)

I have so much respect for women who have become mothers.
They have gone through pregnancy, childbirth, and many periods of emotional instability,
They give so much of their time to their children.

I feel that if I had a child, it would be difficult to move in the same way of my life.

I have come to love all people, animals, and plants, including myself, as if they were my own children.
This is what I call "Unconditional love".

I am also interested in what the real "my child" means to me, when "everything" is my child...

Throughout my life with Juna, I have had several discussions with Simon about how we split the cost of living payments.
When there are two of us, shopping is 50/50.
When there are three of us, I try to pay one-third.
Both Simon and Juna eat more than I do, and both of them are messy and I always feel like I'm following in their footsteps and cleaning up after them.
I feel like I am "supporting" them.

And as I help Simon with his houseboat project, sometimes I have to take care of Juna by myself.

It became very difficult for me to make time for myself, and I had to reduce the amount of work I was doing.
While my income is decreasing, I have more money and time to spend on them.

・・・・・

This question has been growing in my mind.
What benefit will there be for me in the future?"
Isn't it my life to "support him?"

Then how will their life and my life intersect?

One day, during a deep meditation in the houseboat he had built, I arrived at an answer and sent an e-mail to Simon.
Last night was lovely to spend my own time in your creation.
Thank you for your support to make my life more shiny*"

They were making my life "more colorful".
And I realized I was "benefiting" from these by spending my own time.

・・・・


I believe that "children" are the most "pure", "complex" and "beautiful" CREATION in this world.
This creation called "child" is definitely a subject of great interest for me.

Whether or not I choose to "have a child" in this life.
I have been at the crossroads many times.