“Ishin-denshin” Is Just Like Winning the Lottery

I had been married for several years when I read an article in which someone wrote that if you see a couple eating in silence, they must be a married couple.

I totally agreed with this point. But I’m not sure if I was thinking the same thing as the author. The author may have meant to say that after years of marriage, intimacy gradually fades and conversation ceases.

But I was thinking the contrary.

If you are unmarried or don’t live together, you should go home separately when the date is over. Maybe you have many things you want to share with him/her within a limited time. So, you might feel that remaining silent during the meal is a waste of time.

Or you may be talking distractedly in order to avoid awkward silence, fantasizing about where to go after the meal and what to do till you have to say goodbye.

But if you are married, you don’t need to hurry. You can talk after you go home. You can concentrate on savoring the food during the meal. So, you may remain silent.

Silence is nothing to worry about because you don’t need to talk much to communicate with each other after a long marriage.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that a married couple should be able to understand each other without having to say it out loud every time.

Many Japanese people seem to have an unwavering belief that non-verbal communication is the best communication. “Ishin-denshin”(以心伝心) is their most cherished word which means heart-to-heart communication, or communication without speaking a single word.

Yes, I admit there are certainly moments when a couple can understand each other without talking if they have been together for many years.

For example, when I have a problem at work that I can't tell anyone about and my wife somehow notices and casually gives me advice. It can be a serious issue.

Or it can be a small matter, such as when my wife doesn't say anything during a meal and I silently pass the salt to her.

If such a moment happens, great, but I don’t think it is an ideal way of communication.

I believe that the basis of communication is still to put things into words, either spoken or written, and to convey them distinctly to the other person.

By communicating with words, the meaning is clearly conveyed to others, and this will lead to a clear response from others, which will lead to further communication.

The timing of what you say is also important. You need to make an effort to say what you can on the spot. If you don't say anything at the time and then rehash the conversation later, you will only upset your partner.

It is respectful to the partner to put everything into words right away. I believe this is the basis of communication.

If there are couples who can communicate without saying much, it is probably because they have made such steady efforts since the beginning of their relationship.

“Ishin-denshin” is just like winning the lottery. If you win, you would be happy. But you cannot make a living from lotteries.

It is your own words that support your daily lives, and you can only play a steady game of catch-up for so long.

There have been indeed some cases when I was able to communicate without saying much, but I know there have been millions of times when I could not communicate properly due to a lack of words.