Follow the heart

Yesterday I was still very depressed and I really felt like I was in a dark tunnel because I didn't know what to do with myself anymore.

But fortunately the weather was fine and clear, so I just felt like doing something. I had an interview in the afternoon, so I decided to put on my makeup, put myself in a good mood, go to the library, and rethink about my future.

I told myself that to try to take action, and that was great of me. I tried my best, but still my mind was very clouded. Even though I was contacted by two places about employment, for some reason I was not pleased. I also tried meditating after I got home. It didn't work.

I was trying, but failed.

But at night I talked to my best friend about why I was feeling so bogged down all the time and why I couldn't clear my mind. He gave me advice for a very long time, and what I found out was that I was probably just trying to do my best in my head and not following my true heart's voice.

I thought giving to others was my joy. That probably will never change, but I gave so much that I had nothing left for myself. I thought I was just the last one. That's why I'm so bad at shopping. I feel guilty about rewarding myself. Did I really do enough to deserve this reward? I wonder if I have really done enough to deserve this reward.

But then he told me something that made a lot of sense to me. He said, "When you have to wear an oxygen mask on an airplane, the parents should take it first, not the child. He said that this was because if she could not get oxygen to herself, she might not be able to help those she could help. So, he said, if you don't take care of yourself first and love yourself, you will try to get too much love from others. I thought that's exactly me. I love others too much, but I can't love myself, but I want to get love in return. No wonder things don't work out.

It was not only about love, but also about friends. Especially after I coming here, I really felt alienated a lot. Even when I am with a group of close friends, I feel like everyone is speaking a different language even though we all speak English. I feel like I must like what everyone else likes.

Life is long, so I have to have the spirit of not accepting what comes and not chasing after what goes. If I hurt every time, I am really wasting my time. Why should I care about people who don't care about me? That probably goes for myself as well. He told me that what I need is not him or other friends, but myself. He told me to be my own best friend.

I always felt like I always had two personalities in my body. The one who controls the brain and the one who controls the mind. The one who controls the brain understands how to look at things and thinks that I should do or the right thing to do. On the other hand, the one who controls the mind is very childish and selfish. If things don't go their way, they immediately become unfaithful.

But I put too much emphasis on brain, ignoring heart. But when my heart can no longer stand the pressure, I skip brain and suddenly only my sensibility explodes. As a result, I lose sight of myself and lose everything.

I want to get out of this situation now, I really do. I've decided that I'm going to do whatever it takes to take care of myself. I will stop thinking about others. I will not give up kindness, but I will be kind to myself too. I was a little too hard on me, I'm sorry. But I persevered well till now.

First of all, I'm going to make a list of things what I want to do, and I'm going to do all of them.
Besides, I've made up my mind. I'm going to get myself back on track this year.

Yes, I'll do it and I can do it.