Impress yourself

Today I am writing in a different place. I usually write at the library or at home, but today I came to the lobby of a movie theater.

I've been writing at home, but today I decided to come to the lobby of a movie theater because I feel lonely when I stay at home, and the library is only open in the afternoon because it's Sunday. I can't even go to a café because I'm fasting, so I'm reading books and writing this article in the lobby of my favorite movie theater, even though I'm not going to see a movie.

Actually, this place was also told to me by a friend who recently decided to leave. It's not too noisy, not too quiet. There is internet access, and the smell of popcorn at the movie theater makes me feel a little excited. Even that excitement feels like a thorn in my side now, though, as the memories come flooding back.

It's been a week today since I was so self-centered and hurtful to him that our relationship has become twisted. I feel depressed and regret every day, wondering what I have done. But I can't change the past, and at least I was honest at the time. I apologized afterwards and felt sorry for myself. Still, things did not get better in the end.

But I did what I could do, and I don't want to go through this again. I think I am probably more honest than I thought. I bought a book on Adlerian psychology on Kindle this morning for improvement and finished it in two hours. I am amazed at how I can face failure and fear head-on like a dab of antiseptic on a wound.

After reading the book, I realized that other than that attitude that night, I had not made any mistakes in the way I normally think and treat people at work. To be honest, 80% of the things in the book were things I was already doing on a regular basis. And yet, I don't know what's wrong with me that I'm so depressed.

The only way to get back on my feet was to wait for time to pass. A deep knife wound will not heal immediately, no matter how much you apply good medicine in the hope that it will heal quickly. The only way to heal is to pay the price of time.

Even if they don't reply, even if they don't forgive me, even if they don't like me, that's not my problem anymore, it's theirs. I faced up to what I thought was my fault and did my best to improve it. So there are no more issues left for me to deal with. I did my best because it was a relationship that I seriously wanted to repair. So I don't have to hurt myself any more and I have to put a band-aid on the wound and stay quiet now. Even the doctor would say, "Yes, take your medicine and rest until it heals."

Behind me as I write these serious things, a grandmother and her grandson are playing air hockey very excited, and this is the kind of thing that makes me happy and peaceful. There is absolutely no such thing as being attached to someone and only being happy with that person. I hope that if I feel lonely, I can try to go out and find some small happiness, contact my friends and family and talk to them, and bring myself into situations every day that don't get me down.