Life is Tough yet Simple
Author：Kao
"Ah, I want to die."
Those words come out when I open my mouth, and tears come out when I close my mouth. I'm tired of it all, I want to die, I've had enough. I accept and deny the words in my head that I want to erase but can't. I hold on to them and push them away.
In the midst of such thoughts, the clock is ticking past 8:15.
It's already time to go to school.
*****************
This is an essay I stumbled upon among my sixth-grade daughter's crumpled pile of papers. Yes, my daughter is experiencing school refusal.
I keep finding "I want to die" spelled out in her contact notebook and handouts.
"Why do I have to go to school?"
She asks me every morning.
And the teachers and everyone else asks me, "Why doesn't she want to go to school?"
Is it because she is being raised by a single mom ? Is it because she transferred schools? Is it because I've been too busy to give my daughter enough love?
I've been thinking too much about what was wrong with me, and I've lost my mind.
Something similar happened when my daughter started elementary school.
My daughter had symptoms of daytime enuresis, but I could not find the reason.
I consulted mother-child support facilities, urology clinics, the school, pediatric psychiatrists, and child welfare offices , but her symptoms didn't improve.
One support worker said to me, "Maybe it's because you're not giving your daughter the attention she needs. You may need to give more attention to her rather than seeking help from outside. "
I blamed myself and apologized to my daughter, thinking I made her patient a lot and I had burdened her small shoulders.
But the situation did not get better. I also became depressed and unstable. Sometimes I felt a sense of not being here.
During that time, a teacher from the after-school program encouraged me, saying, "It is not your fault." I cried my heart out in the glass-walled after-school room at the elementary school. And a school counselor told me, "I know you must have had a hard time just standing still. There is nothing wrong with a daughter wanting to help her mother. Stop apologizing." I looked up and saw a clear blue sky outside the window. And gradually, my daughter's symptoms started to improve.
People around me blamed me and made me ill, and people around me encouraged me and gave a hand.
Now, I want to save myself this time, I strongly think so.
If I try to find it, there are countless reasons why my daughter doesn't want to go to school. However, in the end, I don't know. But is it all about doing well at school?
No.
After much contemplation and messing up in my thoughts, I decided to let go.
Both my daughter and I thought, "Let's do the fun things we want to do now and enjoy them." I gently hugged my daughter, and I hugged myself also.
And this April, my daughter entered junior high school. Not a single day goes by without hearing her say, "Why do I have to go to school? I'm tired. I want to die." But on a slip labeled "Goals for the Year," she wrote, "Finding Myself."
My daughter's face, covered in tears, sweat, and dust, is somehow looking forward, I think.
I feel like all we have to do is to accumulate the fun things we want to do in the present moment and that is enough.
Life is tough yet simple.
We just need to keep piling up the fun.
This is what I think now.
Call for Donations
Thank you for taking the time to read our essay. This essay was written by a single mother Kao for the Mother's Day Campaign 2023. The Japanese non profit Single Mothers Sisterhood is an organization dedicated to supporting the mental and physical well-being of single mothers. Every year in May, we conduct a campaign to promote the importance of self-care and celebrate the diversity of families. Reading the essays written by single mothers allows us to appreciate the diverse qualities and characteristics that make each and every one of them special and unique. We would greatly appreciate your support. You can visit our donation page by clicking here.
よろしければサポートお願いします。いただいたサポートはひとり親の心身のセルフケアとエンパワメントの支援活動に使わせていただきます。