Liberating Myself from the Garment of Roles
Author：Lemon
“ Mom, you are just like “Slaking Pokémon” lately. You're taking a break, right? “
A sudden remark from a Pokémon-loving son.
"Ha-ha-ha BINGO! That's right! I'm taking a rest. I'm in the process of recovering."
For those who are not familiar with “Slaking Pokémon ”, please search "Pokémon Slaking" on the internet.
The official Pokédex introduces it as follows:"
Classification: Lazy Pokémon
It is the world’s most slothful Pokémon. However, it can exert horrifying power by releasing pent-up energy all at once.
My son always observes me closely.
Confusion and struggle
It was last year when I evacuated with my child from my former partner.
Regarding the details of that situation, let's not touch upon it as the emotional wounds are still fresh.
Nevertheless, up until just two months ago, my mind was overwhelmed by an intense wave of emotions, coiling around from the top of my head. It felt as if the whole world was saying, "You’re a defective person. Everyone thinks that. No one will help you," completely negating my existence.
Every day, my mind was still occupied by the Voltex of negative words that I had repeatedly heard.
I was deeply confused.
I used to be interested in many things and was optimistic and proactive, but now I'm too scared to take action on anything.
There is a sense of self-blame, feeling like it's not supposed to be this way, and guilt for not being able to do things as desired.
Endless introspection, self-doubt, and a loss of confidence.
Despite all the challenges I overcame such as parenting, household chores, starting a business, my ex-partner's work, volunteering, and serving as a PTA officer, there was a version of myself that couldn't seem to move forward.
Am I worthless? Why has it come to this?
Realization
In order to somehow resolve the confusion, I made appointments for consultations with various service providers, medical and support groups.
I felt frustrated because I couldn't clearly understand my own emotions and struggles, and couldn't articulate them well in words. Despite the fact that in the past, I had no problem continuously talking about products on TV for work and could talk about children endlessly.
"This isn't me, and now nobody might believe me though..."
That was the state of my mind. I was plagued by intense anxiety at that time.
Nevertheless, as I continued to seek advice and share my thoughts, I began to gain understanding and clarity about what had happened.
I became aware of my emotions and started to grasp knowledge and a sense of care.
The words from the counseling sources,
"You have the strength,"
truly became a source of support.
By seeking help from others, I experienced significant realizations.
"The role" brings us expectations from others, the ability to take responsibility, a sense of fulfillment, and confidence in being useful.
But before roles, it is more important and wonderful to feel that one's existence as it is, is okay every day.
Now, for me, self-care means taking off the garment of roles and focusing on my emotions and body, it's about acknowledging and accepting oneself just as we are.
Feeling the Body
In such a state of groping, I learned about the online self-care classes in the early morning offered by the support group Single Mothers Sisterhood. Having distanced myself from the dance I used to immerse myself in, it had been a while since I last did stretching exercises.
I rediscovered the sensation of my body that I had forgotten.
I recalled the time when I used to dance a lot despite the numerous injuries and busyness. During those moments, I could detach myself from all roles.
I think It was destined for me to come across this online self-care class.
I realized that I still possessed strength and that this strength had not disappeared.
Perhaps one of the quickest ways to access the version of myself free from roles is by feeling my body.
"Seeking advice and support from others" and "sensing my own body."
These two elements are currently grasped in both of my hands.
Okay! Okay!
Most of the "identity based on roles" that I used to have has come to an abrupt end, and the belongings that I cherished during my marriage have not returned to my possession.
Now, aside from being a mother, I am on a break from any roles.
I decided to be OK with myself not taking on the role.
I value even the part of myself that is not burdened with responsibilities.
Mom who used to be constantly frantic and rushing around is now completely relaxed in the living room, like a different person. I think my son must feel that way.
He believes that now is the time for me to save my strength.
And I know.
My son is also in the process of finding his own pace while trying various things. He is also "Slacking Pokémon".
Even as the number of role garments increases in the future, I really want to continue having moments where I can laugh and talk with my son like this.
From now on, I want to remember today and, occasionally, engage in self-care while doing laundry on the role garments.
This time, I took on the challenge of writing an essay for the first time.
From something that belongs only to myself, into words that open up to the outside world and society.
Interestingly, I have discovered something that becomes visible when I discard the burdensome roles I used to have.
Slacking Pokémons have already begun to walk forward.
Call for Donations
Thank you for taking the time to read our essay. This essay was written by Haru for the Mother's Day Campaign 2023. The Japanese non profit Single Mothers Sisterhood is an organization dedicated to supporting the mental and physical well-being of single mothers. Every year in May, we conduct a campaign to promote the importance of self-care and celebrate the diversity of families. Reading the essays written by single mothers allows us to appreciate the diverse qualities and characteristics that make each and every one of them special and unique. We would greatly appreciate your support. You can visit our donation page by clicking here.
よろしければサポートお願いします。いただいたサポートはひとり親の心身のセルフケアとエンパワメントの支援活動に使わせていただきます。