Self-care that can be painful at times

Author: Sachiko

"When would you like to schedule your next appointment?" said my counselor C with a smile.

Her counseling room was adorned with brown lace and dried flowers and had a small Art Nouveau-style lamp. The place was like a good witch's room in the woods. Her expression is kind, but her words are delivered with a firm and resolute tone.

I quietly sighed to myself. This is my third session, yet there is still no concrete plan for the future. It's about time to conclude whether to proceed with a divorce or work towards rebuilding the relationship.
 
“My husband doesn't provide enough living expenses for me.”
When and to whom did I first utter those words? Was it a mom friend or perhaps an old classmate? At first, everyone seemed to think it was just a joke or a common marital issue. Of course, I thought the same way too.
 
Due to the influence of the family, I grew up in, I believed that women, upon getting married, should prioritize the household and make sacrifices in their careers, in return taking charge of managing the household finances.

At the same time, I held the belief that the head of the household was the man, and it was only natural for the final decision-making authority to rest with him. I had a passion for my job, but after talking with my husband, I decided to quit.

After I quit my job, the power balance within the marriage gradually shifted, and unfortunately, it shifted in a negative direction.

The daily living expenses are handed to me in cash. However, there have been times when it stopped, with or without a reason.

When our child was born I argued that household expenses should increase due to the need for childcare. Then even for a single diaper, a "detailed breakdown" became necessary.

I thought it was because of lack of effort for my part. I believed that it was natural not to immediately understand each other since we came from different backgrounds. I believed that it was my responsibility to save more, to understand the unspoken intentions hidden in my ex-husband's silence, and to speak to him in words that would reach him.

I believed that someday I would be able to prove to him that, as a full-time homemaker, I had been managing the household finances appropriately and taking care of a child requires covering the essential expenses for their upbringing and education.
 
One day, I placed a magazine article about saving for education expenses and a detailed household budget on my husband's desk. The budget meticulously recorded expenses down to the last yen, as he had requested. However, my busy husband never bothered to look at them.

The money he gave me was always slightly less than the amount I had communicated as necessary. Daily payments became a struggle. My personal savings, which I had been relying on, were running dry. By that time, I couldn't even make substantial purchases without his permission.

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One day, while living such a life, I found myself unable to move. It was just after my ex-husband and I were finally just about ready to talk money up front.

When I thought, "It's finally going to be okay," I also lost sight of the meaning of living in this world. The vibrant energy of my child became painfully piercing.

I couldn't even enjoy my usual favorite thing. Even if I read a book, the content doesn't come into my head. During that period a friend living far away contacted me.

I found myself saying, "I've been feeling a bit off lately." It was a friend who I couldn't meet up with right away due to the distance, so I didn't feel guilty relying on her. She was a colleague who worked with me and shared the ups and downs before I got married.

Thankfully, she quickly gathered support from those around her and offered a shelter for me and my child. "Leave home immediately" even my mentor said. When I met them after several years, they were surprised by the lack of expression on my face.
 
During the two weeks after I left home with my child, I gradually started to open up and vaguely understood what was happening to me. My friend and mentor patiently explained in a simplified and detailed manner, repeatedly, so that I could understand that behavior of neglect and indifference are forms of violence.

"Take care of yourself," "Prioritize yourself and your child," "There are different ways to handle this." Still, the word "divorce" seemed distant and far from me. I told myself, “Is it really something that cannot be resolved? Let's give it one final try and see”.
 
For the time being, I returned home. However, simply going back didn't change anything. Something was wrong, and I was in so much pain... I realized that I had been suffering.

I sought help from a psychiatric clinic where I had received treatment in the past as if I was being manupilated by something,  and there I met counselor C.

I have been regularly attending counseling sessions, intensively from before and after leaving home until the divorce was finalized, and then gradually reducing the frequency. 

At first, it was frustrating. When I talked about my issues and emotions at the time, C would gradually uncover the underlying background and structure of the problems through a few probing questions. I couldn't grasp the meaning of her words when I first started the session.

Back then, I used to think like this, "I'm building a happy family, right?" "Things are just not going well at the moment, right?". As I kept discussing it, the essence of the problem began to emerge. Words like "control" and "emotional abuse" started appearing, and each time, I would read books and do research.

I was taken aback. Things that I thought were unrelated to me, things that I thought belonged to a distant world, turned out to be the harsh reality happening right inside my own home.
 
Those words perfectly encapsulated the commonalities between the family I grew up in and the family I built. As someone who grew up in an overinterfering household, my ex-husband's indifference seemed like a blessing, and I believed that the institution of "marriage" would protect me.

I was mistaken.

Overinterference and indifference were just two sides of the same coin.

I was on the verge of despair.

But I didn't stop "speaking." I started expressing the frustrations and concerns I had been holding back, sharing them with my counselor C and many friends.
 
I no longer held back and spoke openly about my experiences. I remembered the importance of taking walks, resting, crying, and allowing myself to get angry. I embraced moments of doing nothing.

I realized that the prince who would save me was none other than myself.

The words that had echoed in my mind since childhood, "Someone, please tell me what to do," transformed into "I will make the decisions, and I appreciate your support," after a few years of personal growth and progress.
 
The term "self-care" carries a sweet resonance. Some people might interpret it as indulgent or self-centered. However, for me, self-care was the process of truly "knowing myself" through counseling and engaging in conversations with others.

It meant understanding my current state and uncovering the underlying issues.

It can be painful to realize that there are things that need to be changed.

However, a shift in awareness pushes me forward, undeniably.

As I started looking for work and a safe home for my child, I discovered that I still had the strength within me to take action and make necessary arrangements.

I kept up with regular counseling sessions. One day, using the money I earned for myself and my child, I hung some of my favorite postcards on the wall.

I was overwhelmed with emotion, and my body trembled with excitement.

In this home I had created, there are no place for violence or neglect.

Home" became a place of peace.

And I rediscovered my true desire, which I had half given up on: the desire to live as I am and to be happy.
 
Five years have passed since I first met my counselor C. Even now, in May 2023, I continue to drop off my child at school and leave work early to attend counseling sessions.

There is a particular challenge that I must overcome in order to fulfill my next dream.

It involves engaging in self-care which can be painful at times.

Facing myself in counseling can be painful at times, but I need that time for myself.

-Fin-

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Thank you for taking the time to read our essay. This essay was written by a single mother for the Mother's Day Campaign 2023. The Japanese non profit Single Mothers Sisterhood is an organization dedicated to supporting the mental and physical well-being of single mothers. Every year in May, we conduct a campaign to promote the importance of self-care and celebrate the diversity of families. Reading the essays written by single mothers allows us to appreciate the diverse qualities and characteristics that make each and every one of them special and unique. We would greatly appreciate your support. You can visit our donation page by clicking here.

Single Mothers' Sisterhood

Mother's Dayキャンペーン2023｜特定非営利活動法人シングルマザーズシスターフッド