I'm finding it hard to be myself in my life. But I want you to know that it's not a negative thing.

(I used DeepL translate function to make this English version from the Japanese entry.  I looked the translation over a few times, but my Japanese was not easy to be translated so some parts sound funny.)

I've been on a solo trip to Thailand and Vietnam for a month.  A lot of decluttering after moving for the first time in several years and the decision I made before turning 40. All have made me think about many good things.

First of all, I'd like to say that I've returned home Japan.

The purpose of this trip is to see if this trip was my "rehabilitation".

I told the people I was talking to in person and wrote on Facebook that I was going to be a backpacker to "regain the feeling of traveling," but since it had been 10 years since I had been on a trip alone, I wondered if I could do what is called "backpacking" and traveling with a bag on my back. I decided to go to Bangkok, where there are many backpackers, in order to find the answer to this question. If it goes well, the trip will continue. But if it doesn't go well, I'm done with traveling. In any case, it was something that I could not understand until I tried. It is useless to think about this in Japan. You will never know unless you actually do it.

Solo backpacking trip different "for me" than in my 20s.

At any rate, all I can say now (because even if I feel that way now, I don't know if I'll feel the same way doing the same thing in a few years) is that this trip was not what I thought it would be, at least for me.
I have different sensibilities, different experiences, different things I know, different financial sense than I did when I was in my 20s. (In case you're wondering, I have a lot more money left in my bank account than I did in my 20s.)
I am not saying that it was bad that things were different from before, but I am trying to tell you that the world is different because I see them differently.
For example, I stayed in a bunk bed dormitory three times, but it didn't seem quite "for me" anymore.
The place I stayed in Bangkok was nice, but I was still very tired because I could not sleep well for both of those nights. Eating alone was also very hard for me, and I realized that I was tired of eating out every day, since I have been living a life of not eating out much since I was a child.

Now that I have almost achieved my goal.

So, the search for answers, which was the purpose of the trip (backpacking solo trips don't appeal to me right now), was over. But this was also quite a struggle. The number one thing was that people would say to me, "What? You're back already?" I would say, "Yes, I am.
I might have said that if I were in everyone's shoes. But, as I wrote in the purpose section, I tried to do something that "you don't know until you try it," and that is the direction that I have answered for myself, that I will not continue the trip.
Then the question becomes, for what purpose do I need to continue traveling? I can think of a lot of things, like, "I just quit my job and I have time and money."

If I say I'm going on a trip and come back from it quickly, I feel like I've done something wrong. How long are you going for?" I was asked, and I replied, "I haven't really decided." It could never be just long, it could even be short. But basically, many people see the way I responded as the one where the trip is longer. So I think that's why they responded, "I envy you!".

How many countries are we going to? Will we go to countries I've never heard of? That kind of imagination, or expectation, overflows. And it stirs people's fantasies because I said "a trip where nothing is decided," and there is nothing wrong with those people. Again, I'm sure I'd be in everyone's shoes.

Admire the lives and lifestyles of others, but value yourself as different from them

Let's say you have something like, "I want to live like this." In my case, I've probably been thinking since I was a little kid that it's great to see people who are active overseas. However, at least through this trip, there is a big gap between me and those people. I want to be myself and take on new challenges, so I need to carefully assess where the Challenge Zone is for me.

It sounds very backward to say that I have given up, but I don't feel that way, but I may have given up after all. It sounds like a disappointing life, but I don't think my life is that bad. I have been blessed with many wonderful people in my life.

After all, "my" decision must take precedence.

It's me who quits my job. It is also me who goes on a trip.  Because of my personality, I am concerned about what other people think of me, but I can't help that anymore.  If I don't make my own decision, I will have the biggest excuse from then on. You see, adults often say to children, "You made your own decision, didn't you? You made your own decision. It is the greatest self-responsibility.

But, you know, it is very difficult to live as you are. It is also difficult to make decisions on your own, imagining what other people might think. What does it mean to be yourself? If you live in a society, you can't just be yourself.

The people I met on this trip are married and have children, and for various reasons, they cannot live their lives based solely on "being themselves. And yet, "being oneself" has become something that is "right" and "something everyone strives for" in school education and in social life, and I think that is a bit annoying.  I don't think that's the only way to be happy.

It all sounds like excuses to some people. I'm sure such people haven't read this article I've written so far.

So what are you going to do when you return home?

Going to register for unemployment benefits (for the second time in my life).

I went to Hello Work for the second time in my life because I wanted to get unemployment insurance (which most people have). This time, I had returned my certificate of residence to my parents' house, so I thought it would be in Kashiwa, but it turned out to be a mini version of Hello Work, and I had to go back to Matsudo on the Joban Line to go through the proper procedures. Damn.

Then I came to Matsudo and realized at the general reception desk that it would be a bit of a hassle to keep coming back to Matsudo every time from now on. After consulting with the receptionist, I decided to register here, stay at least in Matsudo office until the next orientation, and then go to Tokyo office if I had changed my address. （I'm writing this while I'm waiting for the next orientation.)

Job hunting (4th time in my life)

I'm updating my resume again, and updating my CV. I also need to make a cover letter and CV in English, so I've been mind mapping and using mandalas to organize my thoughts, and brushing up my motivation in English with a little help from Chat-GPT. Since I made my resume for the first time, I've become a little more conscious of what I can put on my resume when I work. (I can now ask myself if it's okay to work when there is nothing to put on my resume.)

I also want to travel to Japan.

Hello Work and job hunting are both things that can be done online or on a set date to go to, so I don't have to stay home all the time. So I met about 11 people in Bangkok and Vietnam, both people I knew and people I met for the first time, and I want to do that in Japan as well. There are too many people I would like to meet but haven't been able to in the past few decades. It is important for me now to spend time and money to meet those people again. So I would like to think about doing that from time to time.

Is your overseas travel over?

I honestly don't know about that. If I want to go back, I want to go. It's the same sensation as wanting to eat ramen noodles or go to a hot spring.