“Lesbian or Bi?”

I find it very curious that I almost always fall in love with people who are somewhat straight, even if we meet in queer or feminist spaces or communities, or if they’re men. So I can describe my sexual orientation and preference as being towards straight people, although they are all allies.

If it’s “natural” to be attracted to something different from myself, it’s also quite interesting that I'm drawn to the straight aspects of people, whether they are women, men, or non-binary. It might mean I’m fully, completely gay. Also, I can’t stop falling in love with them, no matter how many times I've been heartbroken.

However, I never thought of my identity as being a lesbian. Even if people categorize me as a lesbian, or if I date, have sex with, or fall in love with women, even if I join lesbian or queer woman activism, I don’t see myself that way.

Some of my friends have told me I’ve said, “I am not a lesbian,” quite strongly, but I don’t remember saying that.

I have loved men, but I’ve always been confused about whether I love them as lovers or if they represent the image I want to embody.

Maybe I have some internalized homophobia as a gay person, but I also don’t know how to avoid falling in love with straight people, which often ends in heartbreak.

It’s quite masochistic. I am basically quite sadistic dom, though.