“Decision: After 27 Years”

“Decision: After 27 Years"

When all my dating relationships ended recently, I suddenly realized I no longer needed to incorporate feminine behaviors. Although I had both consciously and unconsciously tried to act femininely, I questioned why I did it—was it to make the other person feel safe with me? (I'll explore this reason in another essay.)

I don't want partners who expect me to behave femininely anymore, so I've decided to date only those who treat me as a kind of dude variation from now on.

This made me recall an interview I did in 1999:

"Why did I use the women's bathroom after the transition? It was for someone who thought I was a woman. But honestly, I changed my mind and realized I don't need to care about such people anymore."

Being perceived as a safe person is not a simple matter. Moreover, in everyday life, in public spaces, when people get confused about my gender, their confusion affects me negatively, so I used to present myself as neither woman nor man to avoid this. But maybe it doesn't matter anymore.

Actually, I really didn't want to avoid my gender fluidity.

But I think my classical trans tendency is partly due to generational issues and maybe my undiagnosed intersex condition. I've extensively researched classical trans identities and found that it prevented me from transitioning or coming out in Japan. Yet, even after fleeing to Canada, I don't need to strive to be visibly neither man nor woman for the sake of strangers anymore.

Isn't it enough that only those on the gay street, at the dance studio, in the places I live, and my friends and acquaintances already know?

There's another reason for my change in perspective:

If I don't lift my D cup breasts, my clothes can make me look like a muscular man or a man with large breasts. Even without a binder, it's not an issue. Even when undressed, my back looks more masculine from behind, and the same goes for my arms.

Honestly, how people perceive gender is largely a matter of presentation. Most people, or rather, those who haven't attempted to transition, just don't know this. (I wrote this in my dissertation as well.)

Additionally, there are many trans people in Vancouver, so if someone perceives me as a transmasculine person, AFAB, they treat me as a man or leave me alone. I only need to be defensive when facing potential trans hate.

Therefore, I've decided to live as stealthily as possible. (I'll need to confirm if there's a specific term for such "halfway" stealth with someone.)

I must not slouch. Keep my center of gravity low and remain as still as possible when seated. Move slowly. Tuck my chin in. Avoid tucking my elbows too much. Keep my feet about shoulder-width. Maintain a relaxed, neutral facial expression.

Every time I change partners, my gender shifts. So maybe I will change my mind soon. But that's FLUIDITY.