“Dear My Lawyer”

“Dear My  Lawyer”

Thank you for your meeting again.

I tried to write straight forward like below, because I couldn’t do that in our meeting because of dissociation:

I can’t survive as a human if I go back to Japan, so it’s completely impossible for me to be non-binary there. I wouldn't be able to access any trans care, such as hormones, top surgery, or other treatments. I’m still exploring how much I need transition toward a male identity, but in Japan, I would have to move backward.

Since 1999, I have interviewed trans non-binary people in Japan, as well as around 10 psychiatrists specializing in trans care. I’ve also recorded sessions with psychiatrists or counselors and their trans clients for my research. It’s incredibly difficult for me to live as a trans or non-binary person with fluidity there.

Coming out is also very challenging. I would face more threats, rape, hate, and bullying.

It's too overwhelming for me to even think about, so I avoid thinking about it, but it’s a reality.

As you pointed out last time, I have psychological blocks that prevent me from fully embodying a masculine expression, using a masculine voice, and even speaking with complete English pronunciation and articulation. These same blocks hinder my ability to fully transition toward a masculine identity.

Every time, immediately, I tighten my arms, shrug my shoulders, tilt my head, raise my voice pitch, speak only inside my mouth, and smile to avoid trouble, avoid hate, avoid calling the police, or confronting having a woman’s body. Even though this is Canada, but I am still living with a Japanese mindset.

Additionally, people from Japan who live here cannot treat me as a non-binary or trans person, so I feel I need to be cautious around them.

I can’t stop being afraid of criticism, and I can’t stop making myself nervous and anxious, just as I did in Japan.

Thank you for reading this,
K


* it’s for a poetry reading. My original style, blending slam poetry with an essay style: Poetry writing.