“Man Wannabe”

“Man Wannabe”

In my generation and my younger age, there was not enough choice to be a lesbian woman,
no choice to be a dyke,
also no choice to be trans masculine.

That’s why I envied New Half, trans women in Japanese my generation's words. Because they could choose to be trans.

But after I knew the first generation of trans masculine people in Japan and joined trans activism as their partner, I could not identify as trans. I banned myself from thinking about gender and sexual identities because my partner was a straight man.

Also, as a trans activist scholar and extreme feminist, I could not permit myself to quit being a woman. Because men were kind of the enemy, even if they were allies and feminists.

I had struggled to interview trans and nonbinary people from 1999 until recently, but I have no idea how I could have a trans identity.

What are identities?
How do I have one of them?
How can I choose one of them?
What’s the evidence that I chose it?

Finally, I just tried to use nonbinary,
starting transition,
using testosterone,
switching to genderqueer as trans masculine.

But still, I could not say, and I am hesitating to say, I want to live as a man.

I feel like a fake,
my voice could not change,
I am so short,
I can’t sex same as men,
I am so classic,
and etc.

But I am just trying to say I actually have been wanting to be a man.
If some of them sexually assaulted me,
sexually harassed me,
marginalized me,
and discriminated against me.

I feel like I am sooo stupid.
But, even so, still.

I want to be a man.