...still...late...august...

heavy sighhhh. I've definitely been struggling lately. it's irksome because my conscious mind knows that everything will be okay, but my body is running away from me, talking back and sabotaging my mental peace with stabbing stomach pains, a wavering appetite, tears coming out of nowhere like a sudden break in a quietly leaking pipe. a heavy mind, at times a body filled with stones, other times a body floating away, untethered. it's difficult because it's not even like I'm ruminating on things, I'm actively trying to stay positive, to do things that I know are good for me (eating well, taking walks, reaching out to friends, sleeping, crying, taking medicine, lifting weights), but it's like the sensation of dread has been hardwired into the meridians of nerves running through my body. it's all right. I'm just accepting it, feeling it when I feel it (like right now, writing when I "should" be studying, but do what I gotta do. it's helpful to remind myself that I've felt this way in the past, and if I've taken breaks before I still end up doing more than okay. 

currently listening to a mix that ryuichi sakamoto curated for his favorite restaurant, and it's soothing. drinking a yuzu espresso on the rocks at a new cafe I've always wanted to visit in k town. it's beautiful here, there are wide glass windows with views of fig tree leaves and bamboo rustling in the wind above a colorful mosaic mural. working at this cafe for a few hours before meeting with an old friend who I haven't seen for six years to eat dinner somewhere. 

moments that stand out in my recent memories :: 

this morning I stopped by heavy water coffee and while waiting for my drink, came across this art journal with beautiful design and interesting looking interviews. 

somehow, flipping through the pages made my heart soar. something about storytelling, about the gorgeous colors and textures in the film photos, the slightly abstracted fragments of life captured through stills… it made my heart swell with optimism, my mind felt clear, I felt so open to the possibilities of life. there really is something about art and design that stirs my soul on a different level. it is differently part of my time here on earth, my raison d'être to create beautiful things. I think it is one of the only things that makes me feel purely satisfied, at peace in life. and I don't mean it on just a superficial level of aesthetics (although beautiful design, colors, form, function do enrich life and bring a sense of calm, rightness), but in such a way that if a messy situation can improve, that is a kind of beauty I appreciate deeply as well. 

I see this in some of my recent work with severely mentally ill clients. prior to this experience in an outpatient clinic, I was working in the psychiatric emergency department where things are, I suppose, at a maximal peak of chaos, messiness. I think there is a certain kind of beauty to that chaos, in knowing that it is a point of metamorphosis in which destruction paves a pathway to renewal. this is something I have experienced myself many times and through many forms… and something I am increasingly learning how to guide others through during my time in this special program meant for the most severely mentally ill in los angeles county. I'm quite excited because they seem to be open to nontraditional approaches, like hiking, art therapy, music, scent…much to explore. 

okay, feel a bit better. going to try to knock out some work.

until text time, 
xx