april: she was very tired, and she was very relieved

someone communicated to me that i can try to articulate my feelings without passing judgements on them. so I will try.

feeling no.1 :: I feel exhausted, slightly irritated, and more exhausted. it feels like I know my body needs rest but I am unable to rest, my mind keeps racing. I am sick and tired of the inhumane violence that is ongoing in gaza, and that I lived in the united states and am forcibly complicit through my taxpayer dollars in the us funding israel’s weapons. it is the month of ramadan and I visited the mosque for the first time in a long time today with my family, and we prayed for those suffering in gaza. physically, I also had an exhausting week as I drove 7 hours north to the bay area from los angeles, and spent three days straight, nonstop working on my installation, which is finally done. i also feel obligations to spend time with my family since i am not here often, and i am trying my best to do so, but I am undeniably exhausted and in need of rest. the exhibition opening is tomorrow, and some friends are coming which I should be excited about (and logically, I am,) but I cannot feel this excitement currently because I am so exhausted. it is hard to feel anything when you are this exhausted.

feeling no.2 :: relief. I am feeling very relieved because a decision has been made that has now made it much easier to see, understand, and plan what the next few years of my life will be like. I am so glad it didn’t work out, even though a small part of me had been curious about it and the wholly new direction it might have taken me, because I love my life as it is, I love the pace of it and the people I get to spend time with and how I can choose the way I spend my time and have autonomy, and it is a blessing to get to continue this path. I really need the rest, and it aligns so much more with the person I want to become and things I want to do if I can continue staying on the trajectory I am currently on. I suppose sometimes it seems like you need to step away for a bit to realize this. this decision means I can continue to work with relative confidence and moderate challenge to see myself grow in the several areas I would like to grow, rather than throwing myself into a wholly new situation with many uncertainties. I used to be that kind of person doing the latter more when I was younger (and I still am to a certain degree), but as I gain experience and maturity I realize I do not need to choose to struggle all the time, or always choose the most difficult option to challenge myself. sometimes it is best to continue at a steady, trusted pace and see what emerges from there. I am now in an era where I deeply enjoy stability.

feeling no.3 :: accomplishment. although I currently only have a vague sense of this feeling due to the exhaustion, I know that somewhere deep down inside me, I am proud of myself for doing things for the first time that I have always wanted to do - create and self publish a book of my writings with my film photography, participate in a landmark art exhibition, and create + share an intimate yet expansive body of artistic work. at this point it still feels intangible, but I wonder how I may feel tomorrow after I witness others, the general public, experiencing the things I have created over the years of struggle and growth. I hope atleast someone can walk away feeling a sense of connection or belonging or hope after experiencing my work. 

feeling no.4 :: curiosity and wonder. I recently had what felt like an “out of the blue” amazing sounding opportunity arise. I am still unsure how it will pan out, but regardless, I appreciated that it happened because it reminded me of the serendipities of life that Allah swt designs for us, at the right place, time, and moment. it gave me a renewed sense of ease and possibility, as it feels like it has been a few years since I have felt those kinds of doors open for me. 

feeling no.5 :: gratitude. for loving parents who come with me to help set up my installation. for a warm home to return to. for fresh air, a beautiful forest, and cherry blossom season. for all the blessings and opportunities I have been gifted with.