decaf pourover in the evening, nostalgia for the past

today, I came across some of my baby pictures when I was one (lower left, lounging on the pool chair) and three (looking un-amused in front of my birthday cake). I see these pictures and they make me laugh, while also making me wonder if I somehow even felt overwhelmed by life at the mere age of three? I mean, the look on my face… 

somehow out of the blue today I decided to scroll back on my instagram to ten years ago when I was in high school. things that pleasantly surprised me were that I still look pretty much the same (if not better, thank god), I have actually always been a quite artistically-inclined person, and a wholesome person. when I look back at the posts and photos my younger self took, it strikes me that I was a very sweet, wholesome, and innocent natured person. I do think I still am to a degree, but how to say… life feels more complicated now. although perhaps it really isn’t, and it’s all in my head… is this what it’s like to be jaded?

for example, I always looked so happy and sounded so happy, posting the most mundane but cute pictures like my simple creative meals, the shadows and sunlight of a tree branch, pictures of the forest, my DIY projects, fresh flowers in a vase that smell like jasmine, documenting my cute outfits and nail art, my favorite books, pictures of sunsets. I was surprised to read that I worked so hard - I often made posts about staying up all night to study, or waking up at 4 am to study. compared to then, it now feels somehow like I don’t have that kind of energy in me anymore. well, maybe if it was a creative assignment I would stay up to do it. 

I remember I always had a dream of going to stanford for some part of my medical training. although I’m apply to my first residency program in less than a month, I really only began to give serious thought to where I wanted to end up next recently. I think part of it is that it felt like a bit of a futile excercise, considering that an algorithm will ultimately match me… but still, I do get some choice in ranking programs.

I do feel like I’m at a crossroads in life again… very soon. or perhaps I won’t get interview from programs in other places and the decision will be made for me. perhaps there isn’t a good reason to ponder so much, to imagine and fantasize what my life could look like in new places… but I will say that doing so seems to have sparked something in me. I think these past 3 years living in los angeles I’ve mostly focused on getting through school, spending time with friends, pursuing my creative and artistic interests, less so my “primary” or “professional” career ambitions. I suppose I’ve done what I can when I can, and found a small path that I can carve out for myself based on my interests and talents, and the needs that people have. but I suppose I’m a bit uncertain when I think of what kind of future I want to create for myself. on one hand, since I was young I had always been an ambitious person, dreaming of doing international work and traveling the world, which I have actually been lucky enough to do for a a few years before starting medical school. but now that I’ve been back in the intense structure and workload of medical school for a few years, it feels cloudy to try and remember, try and envision that kind of future for myself again where I had plans to do big big things. I do know that I enjoy working at the community level, I enjoy the interactions there, the emotional intimicacy, and I know I love making creative work, whether art, music, sculpture, or film. I suppose I feel a bit rusty in terms of branching back into tech, design, architecture, advocacy… but then again I do remember that when I was in those worlds, the world of innovation and real world impact, I felt so alive, I felt all the possibilities teeming with energy. like when I think of my brief time at MIT- my memories are jam packed with so many different colorful people and places and ideas, so much synergy to be had at the perfect timing. and when I lived a peaceful seaside life in taiwan with the tribe- I had such a beautiful, pure lifestyle filled with community and nature, a spiritual connection to the land and every day, a breathtaking awe of life. 

when I try to think about how I feel about my time in LA so far…. hm…maybe I would say sweet, exciting, tiring. I loved all the urban adventures, delicious food, fashion, music, friendships, and even nature I have made memories with, and I’ve never experienced a density of human culture as richly diverse as this in one place before. but yes, it is a bit tiring for the soul, chaotic, and I do feel myself wanting to reach back towards peace. I remember my sweet teenage years hiking or day tripping to beautiful sea caves and redwood forests, exploring the city in cozy outfits, just the general sense of sweet peace of the bay area/san francisco, and a part of me has begun to long to return home. 

at the same time, there is still a part of me that feels I want to finish giving it a proper shot at making music and performing in LA while I’m still here… I suppose I still have around 6 months to do it, to finally record and put out my ep with my friends. I am proud of myself for building up my bodies of work in film, writing, and visual arts - these are mediums that I feel I have made significant progress in and are now at a good resting point to return to at some point in the next couple years. to cut myself some slack, I have been making my own music for much less time than my visual art practice, so I think it is nearing personal growth and maturation soon. I feel writing is perhaps the last creative practice I may shift to in my later years. I can’t quite imagine myself in traditional academia, but carving my own path, maybe doing interesting stints with institutions here are there that broaden my interest, like the new school in new york. well I guess that’s the other thing… I did always imagine myself having kids… which means I can finish residency at  32, hopefully live my final single life for 3 years (a stint in new york, hopefully also around the world), then have a kid at 35 and another at 37?

it feel so strange to be trying to plan out my life like this. ok thats enough, going to sleep now….