waiting and waiting and time is passing

my soul feels tired today. it feels as if things have been set into motion, or are about to be, and I’m just going along with it all, not really stopping to think as much as I’d like to. I suppose it’s just that season of life this summer, until I finally submit my residency application this fall.

I do enjoy my day to day, I do find ways to take pleasure in simple blessings, such as eating well, dressing to express myself, going where I’d like to. when I have more time, I try to get back to longer term passions, chip away one bit at a time. I remember feeling similarly during my first year of medical school, just doing what I needed to do at that time because it was time to focus and there wasn’t time for much else. 

sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I really tried to pursue a creative career full time. I suppose I did in a way for a few years, though still within the context of academia, and I think at the end of the day thought I enjoyed the process, it felt like a lot to be in my own mind all the time. I really do appreciate interfacing with other people, having a slim entrance into their worlds, to be captivated by other existences in such an intimate way. I really do enjoy that part, which is why I’m on the path I am currently on. at the same time, it is a cold, hard fact that in order to get where I want to be, to be able to really spend time with my future patients as a psychiatrist, there are many difficult and less desirable phases I will have to move through. to be fair to myself, I actually have moved through most of these phases already and succeeded. I am nearing the end of medical school, soon applying for my first job as a physician. I think I feel slightly fatigued by it all since I am so close to the finish line, yet somehow still driven by a quiet anxiety that I didn’t do enough, am not doing enough, or will not be able to finish the things I need to finish in order to get everything in order and graduate on time. some anxiety is good, as it is driving me to be more diligent, disciplined, consistent. but a large part of me is also very very fatigued, and I dream of just having time to spend making music, art, spending time with loved ones, being in nature, connecting with like minded people. 

I think what’s bizarre is when I look back on how hard I worked, a part of me always waives it away with a hand, thinking to myself, “well, I did it, and so did all my other classmates. so did everyone else who became a doctor.” it is not so much a feeling of accomplishment as it is a feeling of relief. I feel similarly with my upcoming makeup exam this friday. I did well on my practice exam yesterday (and passed the first licensing exam) and yes, I feel relief, but still a part of me is worried that I did not study enough, that I didn’t do all the things I could have, and so I feel a constant sense of inadequency, or the feeling that I’m only barely getting by. I do have beautiful life memories here and there, such as walking through downtown la with my partner the evening of july 4th to see the beautiful fireworks, fragments of sweet recollections, but more often than not if you ask me “how I’ve been” or “what I’ve been doing” it all seems like a big cloud of foggy haze. I can’t seem to put things in chronological order. is it because I’ve been so tied up, preoccupied with the emerging business of preparing to graduate medical school? probably. 

it is a tough time in that sense, that there isn’t as much breathing room when my foot is on the accelerator. but I am trying, here are there, to enjoy all the peaceful, sweet, cute, and happy moments, like eating hamburg steak for dinner that my partner cooked for me, watching k drama together, or studying in the cool shade and playful ambience of homage brewery. seeing friends here are there, like how sarina stopped by to just study with me at my house for a few hours in silence, and we took a brief walk to the temple garden. deciding to finally write to an artist/author I have been curious about, and the excitement of hearing back from her that she wants to have tea together. summer jam session with my friend christine, and tahitian dance fitness practice at home on a hot summer morning. seeing my uncle and aunt from vietnam, visiting my vietnamese grandma in thousand oaks, getting to eat delicious vegetarian vietnamese food with my family in their backyard. a cleaaaan house. drinking mugicha in summer. the way the plants perk up after I water them (it gives me hope, that even when I’m droopy like that I know I will also perk up with just a little water). nourishing my soul with water… I am grateful that I have been able to do so by spending time on a cute double date with sally and jinsoo at the hole in the wall ktown pub (a perfect summer night to remember), watching quiet place at movie theater in alhambra w my partner, going to lacma with eliana and eating bingsoo together and visiting the cute french bakery…it really is important for me to write down and commemorate these happenings intentionally before they slip away from me!

and I’m very excited to soon spend time with my old friend nina, finish my exam this friday, attend a sufi meditation on saturday, and see eliana next week. 

okay okay I feel loads better now. motivated again, perked up. 

back to studying!

until next time <3